


The Wonders of Sleep

by V9olet



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Avoiding Spoilers in the Tags, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Finnpoe - Freeform, Force-Sensitive Finn (Star Wars), Friendship, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, M/M, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Sexual Content, Slow Burn, Stormpilot, implied other pairings, it's better together, learning to live with it, the horrors of war
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:27:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 45,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21998251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/V9olet/pseuds/V9olet
Summary: Poe can't sleep. The ghosts of the dead haunt him at night, when he's all alone in the dark, without the chaos and bravado and swagger of the day. He finds himself walking the empty halls of their new base on Ajan Kloss, then suddenly he's outside Finn's door, his hand raised to knock.In the months following the Battle of Crait, Finn and Poe are sent on an important mission to a strange new planet. They discover many things about themselves, each other, and how to move forward in the face of overwhelming odds.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 91
Kudos: 416





	1. Poe has insomnia

It was like this every night, and it was getting worse. Poe would be lying in his bunk at the new base on Ajan Kloss, in a dark room that was usually fine for his needs -- small, utilitarian, with parts and papers cluttering every surface. He had space for BB-8 and his few personal belongings. A bed, a shower. It was all fine.

But at night it closed in on him like a collapsing cave.

He was a pilot, at home in a tight cockpit, with only a thin layer of poly between him and the cold vacuum of space. With adrenaline running high, he forgot everything but the thrill of the chase and the beeps of BB-8 and the jolt of the guns as they fired. He never felt more alive than when sitting on one of those rockets, spinning and sliding as he out maneuvered his opponents. In the heat of combat, all strategic thinking went out the window and his mind was taken over strictly with tactics and winning the battle, no matter the costs. It’s what made him a brilliant pilot -- he takes what he’s got and makes instant, instinctual decisions. He reacts, and his reactions are the quickest in the fleet. 

But get him alone at night, confined to a small room with a single bed, the distant sounds of machinery droning in the background, and it’s quiet. Much too quiet. Before the Battle of Crait, the resistance had been growing. Hundreds of people roamed the halls, busy with the duties of planning and preparing and bustling with excitement at fighting the First Order. They had bombers and fighter pilots and a whole fleet of ships.

Now almost everyone he fought with was dead. The fleet was down to a single ship, and the whole of the resistance could fit on the Millennium Falcon. In the dead of night, the words of General Organa came back to him, about how his impulsive behavior led to a bunch of dead heroes. 

The longer they've been on Ajan Kloss, the more Poe’s been crawling out of his skin. He’s finding it hard to be alone in his room with no one but ghosts to keep him company, and tonight was no different. He swung his legs over the side of his bunk and put his pants and boots on. He was going to find a drink. 

He left his room and looked at his wrist watch. It was way past midnight, and he knew from experience that no one would be in the mess hall. He walked there and looked through the cabinets, not finding anything that he wanted, of course. If he wanted to find something stronger than the strange pinkish juice from the native trees, he was going to have to talk with some people. Unfortunately, his best connection was a bomber co-pilot named Maarta, and she was dead, so he’d been dry for weeks. He kicked a chair and it flew across the room, then he sighed and picked it up again and put it back in its place. He continued to walk the halls until he found himself at Finn’s door.

Not for the first time.

His cheek twitched as he stood there, staring at the metal door. His stomach churned in that way it always did when he thought of finding Finn in the middle of the night, which was becoming more and more frequent. He puffed out his cheeks and turned to look back down the hallway. It’s late, Finn is sleeping, this is stupid.

Fuck it. He turned back and knocked on the door.

Poe held his breath, but nothing happened. He put his ear against the door and listened, squinting as he tried to hear movement inside. This is dumb. He should just go back to his room and take something apart. Work on his guns or BB-8 or something to keep his mind off … pretty much everything.

The door opened and Poe jumped back. Finn was in a thin long-sleeved shirt and shorts. He rubbed his eyes.

“What’s wrong?” he said, his voice rough. “Is it Rey?”

“What?” Poe said, then shook his head with annoyance. “No, it’s not Rey. Why do you always jump to that conclusion?”

“I dunno,” Finn said as he visibly relaxed and scratched the back of his head. “Because she’s always running off and getting into trouble?”

“Well, so do I,” Poe grumbled, and Finn tilted his head slightly and looked at him a little more closely, a small smile playing on his lips.

“Ok, then … uh, what’s going on?”

This was a mistake. Finn had been sleeping. Someone should get some sleep around here. Poe put his hands on his hips and shook his head. “Sorry to wake you, Finn, it’s … not important.” He flashed what he hoped was a classic cocky-Poe smile as he took a step back and pointed his thumb down the hallway back towards his room. “I’ll just catch you sometime tomorrow….”

But something else must have been playing on his face as well because Finn stepped out of his dark room and put his hand on Poe’s shoulder. Poe dropped his hand, his whole body swaying a little at the contact.

“You didn't wake me. Do you want to come in?” he said, dipping his head down a little to look into Poe’s eyes. His face was calm and serious, his eyes focused and searching. Poe could never say no to Finn. Didn’t want to. Despite his best efforts to push it all back down and leave, he nodded.

Finn stepped aside and held the door open as Poe stepped in. The room was dark, with a faint blue light in the corner and a red one in the kitchen. Like most of the rooms at the base, the apartment had a small living room and kitchen, a tiny bedroom and a toilet, that was it. Finn had managed to find a couch and a table, and a smaller stuffed chair sat opposite. Finn closed the door.

“Do you want something to drink?” he asked as he walked into the kitchen and opened a small refrigerator. “I have a few bottles of ale that I’ve been hanging on to.”

“How did you -- ?” Poe asked, amazed that Finn, who has only been with the resistance for a few months, could put his hands on some beer.

Finn shrugged. “People just give me things,” he said with an easy smile as he pulled out two brown bottles, set them on the short counter and closed the fridge with his foot. He popped the tops and handed one to Poe, who just shook his head again. 

“I’ve been looking for something harder to drink than pinkjuice for weeks now,” Poe said and took a long draft. 

Finn walked over the couch, sat down and took a sip of his beer, raising his eyebrows and looking at the bottle with appreciation. “You know, I didn’t even know what beer was until a few months ago. The stormtrooper program didn’t allow alcohol.” 

“I forget sometimes that you were raised on a Star Destroyer,” Poe said and took another drink from his beer. He went to sit on the couch next to Finn but then hesitated. It was a small couch and he would be sitting right next to Finn, legs and arms touching. Was that too intimate? He didn’t want to overstep his bounds. Poe had become acutely aware in recent weeks of how much he tended to get way up into Finn’s personal space. He went to the overstuffed chair instead and sat down.

Finn stared at him from the other side of the low table, the side of his face glowing blue from the light in the corner. Finn hadn’t bothered to put on any other lights and Poe was grateful. It was easier to drop some of the bravado and mania that filled his days and remember why he was here. As the silence filled the room, he realized that Finn was waiting for him to say something. 

But what could he say? That the dead from his fucked up decisions in the past several months were beginning to haunt his room and he couldn’t sleep there any more? That he has actually spent more nights out on the benches in central command than he cared to admit? That he was beginning to think he was more of a liability than an asset to the resistance? That he has found himself wanting to knock on Finn’s door a dozen times in the last few weeks but has always turned away?

Finn leaned forward, with his elbows on his knees, his bottle held loose in his hand, and an unsettling look of concern in his dark eyes. “Are you going to tell me why you’re here in the middle of the night? Not that I’m complaining….” He smiled, and Poe let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. Fuck it, he thought again. He might as well just lay it out.

“I couldn’t sleep,” he said simply, shrugging his shoulders. Was that really so hard?

Finn nodded his head as if considering. “Yeah, I get that. I’ve been having a hard time too. It’s so quiet here.”

“Right?” Poe said, leaning forward a little. “I just… there were more of us, and now….”

“... there are so few.”

“Right,” Poe said and slumped back into his chair, taking another long drink. He was almost finished with his bottle already. He should have savored it more. “Before… well, before, there were so many of us, and I’m having a hard time with….” Ok, yes, this is hard. This is very hard. He pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes.

“You miss them,” Finn’s quiet voice rumbled.

Poe groaned. “It’s more than that, Finn. A lot of those people aren’t here because of me.”

“Hey, you can’t think of it that way. Poe. Look at me.”

Poe reluctantly opened his eyes and looked at Finn. His friend's face had a look of determination that he’d seen many times.

“I get it. I do. Even though I never really had friends in the First Order, they were still people I knew. And … well, I’ve killed a lot of stormtroopers since I escaped. Some of them I didn’t like very much, but still. Sometimes I start to think about it and I begin to feel guilty, because they didn’t have any more of a choice than I did. They were all kidnapped as kids and fed all this propaganda bullshit, and most of them have never even thought anything different. It’s dangerous to think anything other than what your commanders are telling you. So they were as much of a victim in all of this as anyone, but I gleefully shot them down anyway. From the moment I got into that TIE fighter with you, I didn’t think twice about killing anyone who got in our way. And that's the truth. But if I let myself think about that too much, I’ll just shut down. It makes me want to leave, to get on the next transport that will take me and escape to the outer rim, find some cantina on some shithole planet and clean floors or pour beer and try to forget about it.”

He was talking rapidly, words spilling out of him like he couldn't wait to tell someone these things, until he stopped and took a deep breath to calm himself. He looked at Poe and reached out and touched his knee, making Poe jump involuntarily.

“But if I did that, then everyone who has died, all of these people who have put their lives on the line, people like you, who smuggled me out without a second thought, who risked their lives for someone they didn’t even know -- all of that will have been for nothing.”

Poe took in another deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair. He hadn't realized how Finn felt about killing his former -- friends? Comrades? But it made sense. It was both a terrible truth but an honest one that sometimes war is personal and it comes down to protecting the people you love. And sometimes good people die, and pilots die faster than anyone. Someday it will be him, and the thought is almost a relief.

Finn tapped him on the knee. “Let me get you another beer.”

“It's ok, I’ll get it.” Poe stood up and walked into the kitchen and looked in the fridge. Four more bottles were on the shelf, along with a few unopened blocks of standard brown food stuff. He grabbed two bottles and closed the door.

“I just think that I should have been better,” he said as he opened the bottles. This time when he came over, he sat next to Finn and handed him a second bottle. “Not so cocky, not so reckless. The general was right. I need to get my head out of my cockpit and follow orders.”

“Now where’s the fun in that,” Finn said with a smile and elbowed him in the ribs. They both took a drink and settled onto the couch. The heat of Finn’s body radiated against his leg and arm, bleeding through his clothes in a long line from shoulder to calf, and Poe couldn’t remember the last time he had sat alone with someone like this. He willed himself to relax, consciously slowing his breathing and just being present. His head fell back against the couch and he heard Finn take another pull from his beer.

“Tell me about how you grew up,” Poe said into the darkness, and Finn settled in further. He began to talk, tell stories of his earliest memories, how he had been taken from his family, how he didn’t remember anything outside of the First Order. He told of the coldness of his childhood, how he cried in his bunk at night, but never during the day. Never where anyone could see him. He knew the other kids did too, but emotions other than aggression or anger weren’t tolerated. He eventually made a few friends -- he mentioned members of his fire team, Zeroes and Nines and Slip, with a quiet affection -- but even though they were true friends and he was glad to know them, he was constantly getting reprimanded for helping them or showing weakness or affection.

Finn's stories were desperately lonely, but he spoke softly as he described how he grew increasingly disillusioned with the First Order. Poe turned to watch him as he spoke -- Finn's head tilted back against the couch, his eyes closed, the red and blue of the room making him ethereal and ghostly. Finn was so lighthearted in nature, so optimistic and enthusiastic, with an unerring sense of right and wrong, and yet the stories of his childhood were the opposite. How could someone as vibrant as Finn survive in such an environment and come out sane?

“You really are remarkable,” Poe said without thinking. He hadn't really meant to say that out loud. Finn had been telling him about the drudgery of his job in sanitation, and he opened his eyes and looked at Poe. 

“Um, thanks?”

It was already out there so he might as well just go with it. “I mean, there aren’t many people who made it out of there. I’ve only heard of maybe one or two other stormtroopers who defected. It’s pretty remarkable. You’re pretty remarkable.”

Finn looked at him with his mouth slightly open, then a huge grin lit up his face in the dim light. “You say the nicest things.” And he hugged him -- a strong, real embrace that rocked them both as Poe reached his arms around and hugged him back. 

“See, I got to meet people like you," Finn said softly, his voice resonating in Poe's ear. "If you hadn’t joined the resistance and got captured and broke me out of there, I never would have gotten to know you.” He pulled back, his hand resting on Poe’s shoulder. “Thanks for your service, Poe Dameron. I’m glad you don’t follow orders very well.” He lifted his beer as if to toast, and Poe returned the smile and clinked their bottles together. Finn leaned back into the couch and put his bare feet up on the table, and Poe took a drink from his beer and settled in next to him. 

Finn continued his story about working in sanitation and then asked Poe about his childhood. As Poe spoke of growing up dusty and hungry, the child of two rebel alliance fighters, often on the run from one place to another, he felt Finn’s head gently settle on his shoulder. He only hesitated for a moment before continuing. He talked about his family on Yavin IV and realized that even though his childhood had many challenges and losses, at least he had a family whom he loved and who loved him back. His heart grew heavy with the thought of a young Finn growing up without that love. He missed his parents, especially his dad, and he told Finn so. He wished they were still with him to tell him what to do and how to be. In many ways, Leia had always been like a mother to him, which was why her words usually made their way through his thick skull eventually, even if it was days or months later.

He paused in speaking and looked down at Finn. Finn’s face was completely relaxed and his eyes moved beneath his eyelids as he slipped into a dream. His face was so close and unguarded, and Poe let himself take the time to study it -- the full roundness of his eyes, his lips, his cheeks. He seemed so young, and he was. More than 10 years younger, and so much less experienced with the world. His youthfulness went deeper than just his face. He was buoyant, luminous, vibrant. Poe felt old and dirty and scarred in comparison.

Poe finished his beer and set the bottle gently on the floor. He put his head back and felt the heavy weight of Finn’s head as it rested on his shoulder. He would allow himself to sit there and listen to Finn's deep, steady breaths for two more minutes, and then he would politely excuse himself and go.

\--~--~--

Poe woke with a jerk. He had a crick in his neck and he groaned as he pulled his head up, his hand going to the back of his neck.

“Oh, I fell asleep,” Finn said as he sat up and wiped his mouth. “Uh, sorry, I might have drooled on you.”

Poe stood up and stretched. He groaned at the pins and needles in his legs. Finn was blinking heavily, and Poe held out his hand and helped him up. They stood there for a second and then Poe gave him a hug.

“Thanks for answering the door,” he said and stepped back.

Finn rubbed his eyes and smiled. “Hey, any time.”

Poe patted him on the shoulder then opened the door and stepped out into the bright hallway. He heard the door click behind him as he shuffled to his room and went inside. As he dropped into his bed, toeing off his boots, he thought to himself, well, that wasn't so bad. It was even nice. Maybe I'll do that again sometime.

And Poe Dameron slipped into a dreamless sleep.


	2. Poe loves the Millenium Falcon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe's got some anger issues.

Yeah, this wasn’t going to work.

Poe was just pissed. All the time. It wasn’t at anything in particular, which he knew was a lie but whatever. He’s not going to think about it. It’s his specialty. Not thinking about it.

He’s pissed at this stupid wrench, which slips and doesn’t seem to ever fit whatever he’s working on. He hates all this outdated equipment in this stupid base, which never has what he needs. It’s got about thirty thousand obsolete parts to ships they don’t have. It’s got plenty of computers, all of which have viruses that the First Order can crack the second they connect off planet. They’ve got more than enough of these disgusting brown bars of whatever-this-shit-food-stuff-is.

And there’s no fucking alcohol. Like, none. It’s getting to be a problem for him.

“I need to get off planet,” Poe said without even a hello. General Organa was quietly talking with Commander D'Acy as they looked over galactic maps, and she turned to him with her lips stuck out in that displeased expression she seemed to save just for Poe. He winced involuntarily, then stood taller and put his hands on his hips as if to emphasize that he meant it. As if that would work.

“Is that right,” she said. She grabbed one of the maps and headed to a larger table. “And why is that?”

“We need parts. We need ships for those parts. We need pilots for those ships. And it might be nice to have some working computers and communications equipment so we’re not completely blind. How long can you keep us grounded? We’ve made a dozen surveillance passes, and no one is looking for us here. It’s time to get back into it. It’s been almost two months.”

“Humph,” she said and turned to face him. Poe was not a huge man, but Leia Organa was tiny compared to him, or anyone else, really. And yet when she stood in front of him face-to-face, he always felt like a little kid. Impulsive, naughty, like he should be grounded, in more ways than one. He winced again and looked away.

That was a mistake. He hadn’t noticed Finn and Rose in the corner of the command center, rewiring a communications relay for the Falcon. Rose laughed at something Finn said as she looked up at him, her eyes sparkling. Poe grit his teeth and looked back at Leia, who was now watching him appraisingly. She noticed too damn much, and he considered just turning and walking away.

He really needed to get off this fucking planet.

“Well, I figured you would be the first to volunteer to start making runs once we finished upgrading the Falcon,” the general said with a wry look in her eyes. “But you and I are going to have some understandings first.”

Poe nodded his head. “Whatever you want. I’ll do it.”

“Uh huh,” she said, a dubious look on her face. “And what happens when I tell you that you have to be discreet? What happens when you disagree with my priorities? Are you going to run around half cocked and get yourself killed and our only good ship shot up?”

Poe took a deep breath and relaxed his shoulders. He knew he was going to have to prove himself again before she would trust him with any important missions. He dropped the impatience and sobered his face. This was more important than whatever tantrum he was having. “I’ll follow through with the mission and I won’t take any extra risks unless I absolutely have to. I’ll get the Falcon back safe.”

“Uh huh,” she said again, but this time she seemed somewhat mollified but whatever she saw in his face. Or maybe she was reading his mind in her weirding way. He hated that he wasn’t sure.

She cocked her head towards the map and pointed to a system not far from Ajan Kloss. “There’s a small trading outpost in the Lissian System, and I need you to connect with an old friend. I have a package for you to deliver to her, and then you need to come straight back here with whatever she gives you.”

“That’s it? So this is a mail run?”

“A very important mail run, Commander Dameron. You need to fly in and out with as little notice as possible. Do you think you can handle that?”

“Yes, ma’am,” he said and sighed. “When do you want me to leave?”

“Tomorrow morning. And Poe? You’re taking Finn, Rose and Chewbacca with you.”

Poe fought every impulse to look to the corner of the room or show any emotion at all. Except maybe annoyance. Some things he just can’t help.

“All I need is a co-pilot. There’s no reason to risk anyone else --”

“Poe,” General Organa warned with a sharp, challenging look. Poe sighed. 

“Yes, ma’am.”

Leia’s face softened a little, and she reached out and grabbed his arm gently. “Figure it out. We’re a team, and a small one at that. Whatever is going on, Poe, figure it out.” She patted him on the arm and turned back to her map, dismissing him and any further objections he might make. Poe turned and walked to the corner where Finn and Rose were working. As he approached, Finn looked up and smiled. He was about to say something when Poe cut him off.

“You two are coming with me in the Falcon on a mail run tomorrow morning. I want us up by sunrise.” Finn’s face fell slightly at the abrupt tone, but Poe didn’t care. He left the command center before either one of them could say anything.

\-- ~ -- ~ --

Poe was in the cockpit checking all the systems long before dawn. He hadn’t even tried to sleep that night. He just put on his flight suit, grabbed his pack, loaded up the smallish box that Leia had given him, and tried to get comfortable in the pilot’s seat for a few hours. But now the sky was turning from black to a dull grey. He rubbed his eyes, grumbled, and hit the control panel above the co-pilot’s seat. That red light was going to drive him nuts. He thought Rose had fixed that.

“I just fixed that, stop hitting it,” Rose said as she walked in and took out her screwdriver. “You can’t just bully this ship into working for you, Poe. She needs a gentle touch.”

“Well if you’d fix it right the first time, I wouldn’t have to teach it who’s boss.”

“What did you do?" Chewbacca growled as he ducked his head in. “Are you hurting my ship again?”

“Too many bosses in this kitchen,” Poe grumbled and continued going through his check list. Rose had the panel off, the light fixed, and everything put back in place in about 30 seconds. She pointed the screwdriver at Poe. “I love you, you know I do, but if you don’t stop throwing things around I’m gonna thrash you.”

Poe rolled his eyes and glared at her, but she just kissed his cheek and slipped around Chewie as she left the cockpit. Chewbacca sat in his chair and began to go through all the same checks Poe just finished. Poe finally realized he needed to chill the fuck out when he started to get annoyed with Chewbacca. That never worked in his favor.

He flipped on the intercom. “Did Finn and BB-8 make it aboard?” He heard BB-8 beeping cheerfully behind him and he turned and smiled. “Hey, buddy.” His smile faltered slightly when Finn peeked in behind the droid.

“Where have you been? Did you spend the night on the Falcon?” Finn’s tone was sharp and his face annoyed and worried, which just pissed Poe off more.

“I couldn’t sleep,” Poe mumbled and busied himself with starting up the ship. He heard a heavy sigh behind him, but he ignored it. “Better get buckled up. We’re heading out,” he said into the ship’s intercom, and he heard Finn take a seat behind him and BB-8 roll away towards his station. Poe fired up the ignition sequence and handed Chewbacca the Lissian System coordinates. Then they lifted off the ground and headed up just as the sun peeked golden over the horizon.

Poe Dameron loved flying the Millennium Falcon. She flew like no other ship in the galaxy, and he should know, he’s flown hundreds of vessels. The Falcon had been so modified and tricked out that he was constantly learning what she could do. Her hyperdrive was twice as fast as almost any other ship, and she could thrust with bursts of speed that never failed to take Poe's breath away. Her bulk was deceptively maneuverable. She had the toughest hull and strongest shields he’d ever seen on a ship this size, and she slipped and busted her way through almost any obstacle while ships crashed and burned behind her. While X-wing fighters were all fighting power and maneuverability, the Falcon was a tank with a punch that couldn’t be beat. Every time he flew the ship, even if it was for a short run, his heart beat faster and he landed feeling better than when he set out. It was almost as much of a feeling of love has he’d ever felt for anything.

Well. Almost.

They made it into orbit and punched into hyperdrive. The light outside the ship streamed into blue and white as it swirled around them.

“Want to play dejarik?” Chewbacca leaned over and grunted.

“I dunno, Chewie --” “Dude, you always win --” Poe and Finn said together and Poe shook his head.

“Maybe if we both play him together, we might beat him,” Finn poked his head between them, his face turned close to Poe's. Gods, why was it so hard to say no to Finn?

“Fine,” Poe said and tried to beat down the smile that was betraying his face.

They went to the middle of the ship and turned on the holochess board. Chewbacca sat on one side of the bench and Finn on the other. Poe positioned himself right in the middle with plenty of space between them.

They started the game, and for the first several moves Finn and Poe easily agreed what to do. But then Chewie made a move that surprised them, and Poe rubbed his chin.

“Hey, do you think --?” Finn started and then looked at Chewbacca suspiciously. He reached over and tugged on Poe’s flight suit. “Come over here,” he stage whispered and tugged harder. Poe reluctantly slid over so they could put their heads together.

“Do you think he’s trying the Gerglaa Maneuver?”

“The what?”

“You know, where he orbits the monnok over to the ghhhk and then attacks the ng’ok?”

Poe just shrugged, bewildered, and Finn moved the ng’ok. As they sat there waiting for Chewbacca to take his turn, Finn mumbled quietly, “I went looking for you last night.”

Poe slid his eyes sideways briefly then back to the board. “Why?”

Finn shrugged. “You just seem … off. These past couple of days.”

Poe glanced up at Chewbacca, who had his hand to his chin and appeared to be studiously considering the board. Poe knew better -- that blue-eyed bastard had excellent hearing.

“Maybe we can talk about it later,” Poe said quietly. Finn didn’t respond for a moment, and then turned his face to Poe and looked at him with challenging eyes.

“Count on it,” Finn said flatly. 

Great. Now he was going to have to talk about it.

They finished the game soon thereafter -- it turned out to be very short because Chewie was, in fact, using the Gerglaa Maneuver, but from the other side of the board, using the k'lor'lsug -- and Finn stood up. “Can I talk with you, please?” he said to Poe and headed back to the crew quarters and galley. Poe sighed and stood to follow.

They passed Rose, who was working in the circuitry bay and looked up at them and smiled as they walked by. Poe just sighed again -- this was becoming a habit -- and continued to follow Finn’s stiff shoulders through the passage to the back of the ship.

“So what’s going on?” Finn leaned up against the counter and crossed his arms. “How come you’ve been so pissy these past few days? You're busting everyone’s balls all the time and it’s starting to get annoying.”

Poe rubbed his face and felt the fatigue behind his eyes. He’s so tired of being tired.

“I’m sorry, Finn, buddy, I know,” he said, and he really was sorry. He knew he was acting like an asshole, but he couldn’t help it. It was like there was a big gaping hole inside him and he kept falling into it. A big, rocky, sharp hole that filled with sand and drowned him.

Fuck, he can be a drama queen sometimes.

“I’m just really tired.”

“I know,” Finn said and moved over to him. “I told you you could come by any time, but that was a week ago. I kind of expected you to take me up on it.”

“Look, I can’t just come running to your room every time I get scared of the dark,” Poe said with more venom than he meant. “It’s not really a long-term solution, is it? I just need to get back into the fight and I’ll be fine.”

“Why not?” Finn said and Poe hesitated.

“Why not what?”

“Why can’t you come over every time you can't sleep?”

Poe just looked at him like he was a lunatic. Maybe he was. “Finn, you’ve got better things to do than babysit me. This is just crazy.”

“No, I don’t.” 

This made Poe step back and look at Finn more carefully. Finn was leaning forward, his face earnest and open and he was looking at Poe with that determined look that was Finn every time he was faced with a challenge. “I don’t have anything better to do than to support my friends. In fact, that’s all I’ve got, Poe. You and Rey and Rose and Chewie and Leia -- it’s you guys. If I can help you, and you need it, but you won’t let me, then what are we doing here? What am I doing here?”

Poe just took a deep breath as he put his head back, his hands in his hair. It was right there, in his throat, that question that he wanted to ask, but it was just a little too close to some kind of admission. It was right snuggled up against it in fact, and he didn’t want to go there. Gods dammit.

“Don’t you, you know,” he started and then looked back at Finn again. “Don’t you sometimes want ... other company?” He tipped his head towards the hall and raised his eyebrows.

Finn leaned back, his face open as if he suddenly realized what Poe was worried about. “Oh,” he said and looked down the hall then back to Poe. “Oh,” he said again, this time like he was figuring something out. “Uh, no. I don’t have … um, any other company, no.”

“Huh.” This was not the answer Poe had expected. He had for-sure, absolutely thought that there was something going on with Finn and Rose. Or maybe with Finn and Rey. Or sometimes, he thought when it was very late at night, maybe with all three of them. But the look on Finn’s face seemed to indicate that he was mistaken. “I, uh….” He sat down on one of the bunks. He suddenly felt very, very tired. Finn sat down on the bunk opposite and sighed.

“Listen, I meant it when I said you can come over anytime. When I went looking for you last night, I knocked on your door then walked all over the base then back and knocked again. I really just wanted you to know that you can come talk to me. I'd like you to. Any time.”

“Oh. Ok.” Poe felt the artificial gravity and his lack of sleep finally get the better of him. It was like a spike in his gut had been removed and the relief made him realize how exhausted he was. He was such an idiot. 

He laid back against the bunk and stared up at the top of the small cubby. Finn got up and grabbed one of the thin wool blankets and laid it over Poe. He squeezed Poe’s arms gently and actually tucked in the corners, which made Poe grunt indignantly. Finn then turned down the yellow light and the bluish night light came on. He sat on the other bunk and turned on a reading lamp, then reached for one of the books on the shelf under the bunk. He opened it to the first page.

“You don’t mind if I read for a bit, do you? Isn’t it going to be a couple of hours before we get there?”

A lump formed in Poe’s throat and he didn’t trust himself to talk. He turned on his side and watched Finn get comfortable on the other bunk and then look at Poe expectantly. Finn's eyes were gentle and relaxed, but there was also something different in them, something Poe hadn't noticed before. Or maybe it hadn't been there before. It was both mesmerizing and terrifying. He nodded, and Finn went back to his book, a soft smile on his lips.

Poe fell asleep watching his best friend read some trashy novel that looked like it had traveled on this ship for the past 42 years. If a tear slipped out accidentally, Poe would never admit it.


	3. Poe's best night ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe, Finn, Rose, Chewie and BB-8 land on a strange blue planet to meet a mysterious contact. Also, Poe finds some alcohol.

“We’re here.”

Poe was shaken gently and he bolted straight up in bed. It took him a moment to remember where he was -- he had been in a deep sleep, dreamless, and it felt like he could have slept forever. He rubbed his eyes and the world came back to him. He was with Finn, on the Falcon, and Finn was raising the lights and putting away the blanket. 

“Sorry to wake you,” he said with a smile and brushed Poe’s hair out of his eyes. “I know you needed the sleep, but we’re about to drop out of hyperspace.” Finn ran his thumb over Poe’s eyebrow as if to smooth it down and Poe swallowed. “You ready?” Finn asked as he stood up and put his hands on his hips. Poe just sort of nodded dumbly and got out of the bunk.

They walked to the cockpit where Chewie was getting prepped. Rose and Finn sat behind them as they dropped out of hyperspace and into orbit around a brown and blue planet.

“So what are we doing here again?” Rose asked as she peered over Chewie’s shoulder.

“The general was pretty vague on who we’re meeting and why,” Poe answered as he dipped down into the upper atmosphere. “But she was specific about our flight plan. We’ll fly in low and park the Falcon under cover, then we have a bit of a hike to our destination.”

As they approached the surface, they realized it was a landmass covered with huge blue forests. Poe guided them towards the coordinates, staying right above the trees, and they slowed and lowered into a small opening, just large enough for the Falcon. He slipped them forward between two enormous trees, and as they set the ship down and turned off the engines, they all sat in the cockpit looking through the windows. It was very quiet. 

The trees were as big as buildings, with trunks as wide around as the Falcon and a canopy as tall as a skyscraper. Some sort of fronded fern grew as tall as Chewbacca in the undergrowth.

“Why are all the plants blue?” Rose asked.

“Because Lissian is blue,” Chewbacca answered, which didn’t make much sense to Poe because the Lissian sun didn’t look blue, it looked white like most stars, but Chewie was smarter than him, so whatever.

“There’s a trail,” Finn said right next to Poe’s ear as he pointed off to the left. Sure enough, a trail started between two tall ferns and disappeared into the woods.

“Ok, let’s load up and head out.”

As everyone retrieved their bags, Poe handed Finn a blaster and a pair of binoculars -- “just in case" -- and they headed out onto the trail, closing up the ship tight behind them. BB-8 beeped her worry about leaving the ship unattended.

“She’ll be fine,” he said and patted the droid on its dome. “She’s been left in worse places.” BB-8 didn’t seem comforted, but she rolled along behind them anyway.

They soon found themselves on a trail through lush undergrowth that was dense and enormous. Just the undergrowth was as tall as many forests Poe had been in, and the fiddleheads on the ferns were as large as their packs. At first, they were all on guard with weapons drawn, waiting for a monster to jump out or drop out of the trees or spring up out of the ground. New planets almost always came with something weird and hostile that wanted to eat you.

But as they traveled up the trail, they became distracted by the huge green and orange mushrooms and the blue moss that hung like carpets from the trees. The forest was quiet, with occasional calls from something that sounded like birds. They spotted a small, six-armed, monkey-like thing with yellow fur and huge brown eyes. It stopped on a branch and stared at them for a few seconds before swinging away again. Rose squeed. “No, you can’t have one,” Poe said with a smile, and they continued on.

Eventually Finn put his blaster away and just looked around with his eyes wide. Poe wondered if the former stormtrooper had ever had the opportunity to walk through a forest like this.

“Wanna play Either Or?” Rose said from where she was walking behind Poe. Poe groaned, Chewbacca said “I’m in,” and Finn asked, “What’s Either Or?”

“It’s a dumb game that kids play in hyperspace,” Poe answered and sent a glare back at Rose.

“I thought that little nap would make you feel better, Poe Poe,” she retorted. “If you keep that up, your face will get stuck that way.”

“Who goes first?” Chewbacca said as he continued to scan the forest with is bowcaster ready. Poe supposed that you don’t live to be 250 years old in this business without constant vigilance. Poe followed suit and continued to watch the forest.

“I will,” Rose said. “Hey, Finn -- Blaster or Lightsaber?

Finn smiled and instantly got it. “Oh. Ok. Well, I’ve been shooting blasters since I could walk, pretty much, and I was better at it than almost anyone else in my platoon --”

“Well, that’s not hard, have you seen how they shoot?” Poe interrupted, but Finn just ignored him.

“-- but oh my stars, a lightsaber is the coolest thing I’ve ever had in my hands. It’s so powerful and amazing, the way it hums, the way it feels. From the first time I wrapped my hands around the shaft, it just felt right, and….”

Poe gave a sharp and strangled laugh, and when Finn saw his face, he instantly looked embarrassed. “Dammit, Poe Dameron, get your mind out of the trash. You know what I mean.” Poe just held up his hands in surrender and sent Finn a wink. Finn had the good grace to continue to look embarrassed, even as he smiled a bit lopsided. Maybe this game wasn’t so bad.

“Rose,” Chewbacca barked. “Rey or Poe?”

“Hey,” Poe objected.

Rose blushed and then smiled shyly. “Well, Rey. Obviously.” 

“Oh yeah?” Poe sucked in his lower lip and nodded to her, his eyebrows raised in a salacious invitation for her to go on. This sounded interesting.

“You are such a wampa,” she sighed as she looked at him. “Rey’s been really good to me. Especially after my sister died. I’d never slept without Paige, and Rey let me move in with her. She didn’t have to do that.”

Poe sobered immediately and turned back to the trail. It’s been months, but he still hasn’t summoned up the courage to talk with Rose about her sister because he feels like it was his fault. Paige Tico didn’t have to die, and if it wasn’t for Poe’s complete disregard for the general’s orders, Rose’s sister would still be alive. He didn’t know if he would ever be ready to talk with Rose about that.

“Finn, same question,” Chewie grunted.

“Rey,” Finn said immediately and threw a mushroom at Poe. “Obviously.”

“What is this? Pick On Poe Day?”

Chewbacca just chuckled. “Me too,” he said to Finn. 

“You people are the worst,” Poe grumbled and wished he had something to shoot. 

“Ok, you big baby,” Rose said teasingly. “Hey Poe, X-Wing or Millennium Falcon?”

“Well, it depends on what I’m trying to do. If I’m going to slip inside a Star Destroyer and blow shit up like the amazing pilot that I am, the best in the galaxy, I’ll have you know, then an X-wing. But if I want to get stuck in space without a functioning hyperdrive and every TIE fighter in the First Order all up in my ass, then the Falcon.” Wow, he really was cranky. Chewbacca growled a warning. 

“Sorry, Chewie, he just needs more sleep,” Finn said as they rounded a huge tree and came to the edge of a clearing. Poe crouched down and put his hands out to slow his friends behind him. Finn walked up beside him and crouched down. “Maybe we can work on that later,” Finn mumbled quietly as he crouched close to Poe and pulled out his binoculars. Poe threw him a quick glance and then pulled out his own binoculars.

They were on a small ledge, and the trail continued down a steep, rocky slope on the left. The binoculars blipped and buzzed as he scoped the trail where it re-entered the forest down below.

“Someone’s on the next ridge,” Finn said and pointed. Up above the forest across from them, Poe spotted it -- a person with their own binoculars, sitting on a large, furry mount, looking back at them. “What are they riding?” Finn asked.

“Let me see,” Rose said excitedly and grabbed Finn’s binoculars. “Oh, wow, that’s a tauntaun. I have always wanted to see one of those in person!”

“I thought those were only on ice planets like Hoth,” Poe said as he studied the rider and mount. The tauntaun didn’t look like what he had imagined. It was short-haired and reddish brown, with long, straight horns. He couldn’t tell anything about the rider other than it was humanoid.

“There are all kinds of tauntauns, some of them are good for cold climates, but a lot of them do really well in forests like this,” she said with awe in her voice, handing the binoculars back to Finn. “I would love to see one up close.”

Finn grabbed the binoculars again and watched the rider. After a moment, he stood up as if pulled.

“She wants us to follow her,” he said, his voice quiet and distant, but filled with certainty. 

Poe had heard Finn’s voice take that ethereal tone before, and it always made him feel a little strange and uncomfortable, like Finn could see things that he couldn’t. Poe had never asked about it and was a little afraid to, partially because he wouldn’t know what to think if Finn were like Rey, even a little. Unbidden, visions of Kylo Ren -- his hand outstretched as he violently ripped secrets from Poe’s mind -- flashed before him, and Poe felt his heart beat harder and his head pound.

Finn would never do that, he reminded himself sharply. Rey would never do that. Finn’s hand reached down and rested on Poe’s shoulder gently, a reassuring weight as they watched through the binoculars. Poe took a deep breath.

The person on the tauntaun put down their binoculars and took off their helmet. Long red hair flowed down around the face of a young woman. She raised a hand in their direction as in greeting, and then turned and disappeared behind the ridge.

“Huh,” Poe said, putting his binoculars down. He tried to shake the strange feeling from him, but he still felt wary. “She looked friendly enough.”

Finn didn’t wait or say another word. He just turned and walked down the trail, taking the lead at a fast pace. Poe sighed and they all followed.

They didn’t talk as they walked down the rocky hillside and back into the forest. Despite Finn’s “feelings” about this woman, Poe still pulled out his blaster. Just in case. Once they were back in the forest, they began climbing switchbacks uphill again, ducking around branches and jumping over small streams. Chewbacca put his bowcaster on his back to pick up BB-8, who beeped and snuggled into Chewie’s arms in appreciation. It didn’t take long for them to reach the other ridge. As they topped it, they stopped and looked at a wide, open valley surrounded by tall forest. Rose gasped. 

Long fields lined with tall, white fences stretched all around a small complex of rounded houses, barns, and outbuildings. The fields held dozens of tauntauns of all colors -- blacks with white spots, browns with long black tufts on their heads, silvery greys with dark socks. The woman with the red hair was in an open courtyard in the center of the complex, and three more people were coming out to meet her. The young woman turned and pointed to the party on the hill.

“This must be the place,” Poe said and Chewbacca howled in agreement as he set BB-8 onto the ground. Finn continued to take the lead as they walked down a wide path and towards the gathering in the courtyard. Poe watched the area, looking for some sort of ambush, but as far as he could tell, this was a simple tauntaun farm out in the middle of nowhere. 

As they approached, an old, white-haired woman in long silver robes walked towards them, her arms outstretched. “Chewbacca!” she cried, and after a moment, Chewie howled back and broke into a trot. He embraced the woman as the rest of them approached, and as Chewbacca drew back, Poe recognized her. 

“Senator Mothma?” he said in amazement. For before him stood Senator Mon Mothma, hero of the revolution, leader of the republic, and a legend among the resistance. She was also supposed to be dead.

He reached out his hand and she took it. “Yes, yes. The rumors of my death were greatly exaggerated,” she said with a wry smile.

“This is amazing,” Rose said when it was her turn to shake the woman’s hand vigorously. “My parents used to talk about you all the time. We all watched your final speech as Chancellor, when you warned everyone about how we needed to work together and not repeat the failures of our past. I’m just so… oh my goodness, wow.”

Senator Mothma turned to Finn and extended her hand. Finn seemed in shock but quickly recovered and shook her hand. He opened and closed his mouth several times before squeaking out, “Hi. I mean, hello. I mean, how do you do?” He winced as she smiled at him gently. 

“Very well, thank you. This is my daughter Simi and son-in-law Affred, and my granddaughter Lissa,” she said. Her daughter Simi had the same short, bright red hair that Mon Mothma had been famous for, and Poe realized that Lissa, who they’d seen earlier, was barely an adult, perhaps 15 or 16 years old. Her cheeks turned bright pink as they all shook hands.

They followed the senator, who walked slowly and seemed to have an issue with her hip, into the main house. “Let’s get you something to drink and then Lissa will show you to your accommodations for the night. Then we’ll talk. Chewbacca, stay with me for a moment?”

Lissa led Rose, Finn, Poe and BB-8 to several small, round outbuildings, each with a bed, a small wood stove and a table and chair. Finn looked hesitant before setting his bag down in his room, giving Poe a quick glance. Poe patted him on the shoulder and gave him a wink before heading to his own room right next door. Poe set his bag on his bed and took out the package Leia had given him, and the four of them returned back to the house. 

Once inside, they sat around a large table while Lissa brought out food and drinks. The food was simple but absolutely amazing compared to the terrible food at the base. Poe’s mouth was watering before he even had a bite. The senator let them eat and drink in peace, telling them to direct their compliments on the rich meats, cheeses and breads to the skills of her daughter and son-in-law, who ran the farm. 

When the eating began to slow, Senator Mothma turned to Poe.

“So what happened?”

Poe paused in taking a bite and then looked at Rose and Finn, who both looked at him nervously. “What do you mean?” he said, trying for nonchalance.

The senator fixed him with a knowing look. “The protocol is, if I don’t hear from General Organa for a standard month, and there are no reports of resistance activity, then we are to rendezvous here. Since Leia is not here but you are, I assume she sent you in her stead. Chewbacca said he was on an island with Luke Skywalker” -- she raised her eyebrows and huffed in amazement as she looked at Chewie, who just shrugged -- “so he wasn’t there. He did tell me that everyone escaped on the Millenium Falcon, which means there were very few people left. So. What happened to the resistance?”

Everyone looked at Poe expectantly, and he set down his fork and took a drink of water. Why couldn’t this be beer? He could use a beer. Maybe a whole keg. His vision was turning fuzzy around the edges and the glass shook as he set it down.

“Uh… well.” He looked at the senator. In the past, in a situation like this he would summon the same bravado and smooth arrogance that he felt and displayed those many months ago, but now it just made him feel tired. He immediately discarded any thoughts of representing their devastating losses as anything other than what they were. He might as well be honest about it. 

“We fucked it up. I fucked it up. We took out a Dreadnaught, the Fulminatrix, but we lost all of our bombers and most of our fleet, mostly because I didn’t follow orders. And when we ran, they tracked us through hyperspace. We lost everyone else at Crait.” He swallowed and didn’t think he could say much more as he rubbed his eyes and fought the overwhelming urge to get up from the table and go throw up outside. A chair scraped and he felt Finn’s hand squeeze his leg under the table. Poe reached down and grabbed Finn’s hand, holding it tightly as he cleared his throat and looked back up at the senator.

Mon Mothma looked terribly sad, her care-worn face drawn and serious, as she exchanged looks with her daughter and son-in-law. But she did not look surprised.

“We heard about the Dreadnaught. The First Order tried to hide it at first, but there was no way they could keep something that big out of the news feeds. And Commander Dameron --” She looked him in the eye to make sure he was listening. “Many people died before you came along, and many more will die in the months and years to come if the First Order is not stopped. The fact that you are sitting here means that you are a survivor, and sometimes that’s all that is needed: someone who was there, who can tell the story and light the fires.”

“And you are not responsible, Poe,” Rose said. He turned to her warily. “My sister knew what she was doing. We all did. We knew the risk, but we did it anyway.”

“Leia told me to turn back, Rose,” Poe said, his voice rough and his breathing short and rapid. “And I literally turned her off. I didn’t want to hear it. I was their leader and I let them down.” He looked around the table. “I let you all down.”

“You didn’t kill Han,” Chewbacca moaned.

“You didn’t put me in the medbay with a lightsaber wound in my back,” Finn said tensely.

“You took out Starkiller Base. You saved everyone,” Rose said quietly. “You’re a hero, Poe.”

BB-8 rolled up and bumped into his leg, letting out pips and whistles of support.

Poe couldn’t handle this. He covered his face with his free hand to hide his eyes, which had started to water. Finn reached up and pulled him into a strong hug, whispering into his ear, “I know you think you are responsible, but you’re not. It’s not your fault. We’re saving people’s lives, we’re saving the galaxy, and we will all follow you where ever you go. I’ll follow you anywhere, Poe Dameron.”

The room fell silent, and Poe felt a deep shame, for how he’s acted, for how he's hurt people, for letting it all out right here in front of everyone. So much for the cock-sure flyboy.

“Let’s see what’s in this package, shall we?” the senator said after a few quiet moments, and she pulled open the box in front of her. Poe was grateful to have the eyes turn away from him, and he took a deep breath as he wiped his face on his sleeve. Finn didn’t remove his arm from around Poe’s shoulders as they watched Mon Mothma open the box.

Inside were maps with bases and hidden redoubts, a long letter to Mon written in Leia’s own hand, and a data pad that looked like it had lists and manifests. “This looks like every lead she had for possible support,” the senator said quietly as she looked through the data. “This is very sensitive. I can see why she didn’t want to broadcast this over channels. She must trust you all very much to deliver this to me,” she said with a pointed look at Poe. He just took a deep breath and nodded.

They spent the next hour looking over the maps and data, and each of them contributed something to the discussion. Mon and Affred, who turned out to be not only her son-in-law but also one of her most trusted advisors during her chancellery, were able to add political and strategic information to the data pad, with notes on connections, finances, who to talk to and where. After a while, Lissa and Rose disappeared into another room and some music started to play, and Simi brought out glasses and several bottles of wine.

“Oh gods, you have no idea,” Poe said after he was handed a glass. He didn’t think he had ever tasted a wine as sparkly and delicious as this god-like nectar. Finn smiled, his arm back around Poe’s waist, and they all toasted each other, the resistance, and those they’ve lost. Finn didn’t let go of Poe for the rest of the conversation, and as they continued to discuss tactics and the wine warmed Poe’s cheeks, he thanked the force more than once for the closeness of his friends and how much he loved them.

“So Chewie tells me you used to be a stormtrooper,” Mon Mothma said after another hour, her voice careful and neutral as she poured Finn another glass of wine. Simi and Affred had already gone to bed and Chewie had wandered off into the living room.

Finn tensed a little at the comment, but Poe slung his arm around Finn’s neck and responded for him.

“This guy saved my life,” Poe said, his chest getting warmer as he looked at Finn. “He smuggled me off that Star Destroyer and shot up the whole deck. You should have seen him! It was something else. I don’t know what I would do without him. He’s my best friend, you know,” he said and shot a smile at the senator.

Finn looked a little taken aback. “I am?”

Now it was Poe’s turn to look surprised. “Of course you are… who else?”

“I don’t know. I mean it’s great. I’m glad. Really glad. I just… didn’t know.”

The senator was looking at them shrewdly. 

“Let me guess, commander. General Organa ordered you to bring Finn along on this mission, didn’t she?” Poe didn’t stop looking at Finn, at his brown eyes softened with wine, and his mouth so full and easy. He almost forgot the senator had asked a question, but then he nodded absentmindedly. “She’s a wily one, that princess," the senator said with a quiet laugh. "This is why the rebellion will never die, because of people like you and the love you have for each other. Don’t forget that.”

Good advice, Poe thought as he watched Finn’s face, so close. So inviting. But he just sighed and took another large drink of wine, and Finn looked away, that same small smile on his face from the Falcon. 

And then the music changed. It got louder, for one, with a heavy beat and dirty lyrics, and Poe turned towards the other room where the girls were. Someone whooped, and suddenly the beat pulled irresistibly at him. 

“What is that?” he asked the senator, the awe clear in his voice.

“I have no idea, but it seems to be popular with the teenagers on Coruscant.”

Poe’s head slowly started to bob and a smile overcame him. He looked at Finn and bit his lower lip, his eyebrows going up in an invitation. 

“Do you mind if we continue this conversation in the morning, senator?” he said without breaking eye contact with Finn. Senator Mothma gave a small laugh.

“It’s way past my bedtime anyway, boys, so I’m happy to talk again tomorrow. Good night, gentlemen.”

Poe grabbed Finn by the collar and dragged him into the central living room. It was a wide, warm, high-ceilinged room with a large fluffy rug and comfortable couches. Chewie was sitting with his back against a couch working on some sort of complicated block puzzle, a bottle of wine sitting next to him, and Lissa and Rose were dancing in the middle of the room, spinning and laughing. Lissa stopped immediately and blushed as soon as she saw Poe and Finn, but Poe let go of Finn’s shirt, set down his wine glass and began to dance, biting his lips together and scrunching his eyebrows. Soon, Lissa was laughing and dancing again too, and Poe grabbed the two women and taught them a funky line dance with lots of pointing and hip grinding. Soon they were all giggling and gyrating on the shaggy rug.

The song changed to another great tune, this one a little slower but still with a heavy beat, and Poe turned to Finn. And, holy fucking yoda, the look on Finn’s face made Poe want to get right up in there, like, right now. Finn’s mouth was slightly open and he was staring intensely at Poe, his eyes a little wide. It looked like maybe he wasn’t breathing as he stood there absolutely still with a glass of wine in his hand.

Perfect. He was fucking perfect.

Poe pointed right at Finn’s chest and started to dance over to him. Finn seemed to come back into his body and he started to shake his head. “Oh no. Nope. No thank you.”

“Oh yes,” Poe said in beat to the music. He gently grabbed Finn’s glass and set it down, then took his hand and pulled him over towards the rug.

“Uh, Poe? Um, I don’t know… how to dance. I mean, I’ve never danced.”

Poe paused for a second to register that remark, everything that it meant, of growing up without _music and dancing. What the actual fuck?_ But he quickly glided past the intense sadness that lay hidden under that thought, a sadness that felt like it could knock the wind out of him if he let it, and slipped back into the giddy energy of the room. He just shook his head slowly and pulled Finn up against him. He pulled Finn’s hand in close and put his other hand on Finn’s hip. “It doesn’t matter,” he said as he pressed his cheek against Finn’s. He smelled just like Finn should smell, of leather and warmth and something smokey. Poe closed his eyes and began to sway with the music. “There’s no right way to dance.”

Finn was breathing hard as he stood there unmoving. But Poe just pulled him in closer, crouching down a little so they fit together, and Finn took in a sudden breath. Then Poe began to walk backwards and twist back and forth as he looked at Finn. He winked, exaggerated and goofy sexy, and then scrunched up his face and rose up to his toes while holding their hands out wide. He tossed his head back dramatically. 

It had the effect he was hoping for. Finn got a twinkle to his eye and tilted his head to the side as if Poe was crazy. But then his head started to bob with the music and his shoulders started to pop a little.

“Gods dammit you’re beautiful,” Poe said under his breath as he shook his head back and forth and closed his eyes. “This is the best damn night of my life.”

\--~--~--

There were many bottles of wine. Most of it went to the Wookie, who was now passed out on the couch, but more than enough went to Poe. He was starting to think that maybe that was a mistake, and the vague thought passed through his head that he never really learns from these lessons, does he? He just shrugged at the thought and reached for Finn. Who was lying on the floor. Also very, very drunk.

“Com’mon, big boy, time for bed,” he said and pulled on Finn’s hand. He was only partially successful, however -- Finn did look very heavy, now that Poe thought about it -- and Lissa, who was soon going to be the last one standing (Rose had gone to bed over an hour ago), helped Finn up. With Lissa on one side and Poe on the other, they managed to get Finn out the door and over to his cabin. His cabin? His hut? Is this a hut? 

“S’is a hut?” he slurred, but Lissa just laughed. They managed to get up the three steps and inside the door without anyone breaking anything, and Lissa guided their fall into bed. She patted them both on the shoulders. 

“You going to be ok?” she asked. She was so sweet, that Lissa.

“You’re a good girl,” he said to her as Finn gave her a thumbs up, his face planted firmly in a pillow. “We’ll be fiiiiiine.”

She patted them again and then left, closing the door behind her.

“S'is your room ’r my room?” Poe asked as he settled his head on the pillow. Finn just gave a floppy shrug without opening his eyes.

“I should prolly go,” Poe said, but didn’t make any move to get up.

“No stay,” Finn slurred and then pawed Poe loosely. Poe turned over and wiggled his back up to Finn then pulled a cover over them both.

“We should prolly take off our boots,” Poe said, his head heavy on the pillow and his eyes closed. Finn nodded behind him.

“Finn?” Another nod. “This was the best night ever.” Another nod. “You’re awesome.” Another nod. “I love you.” A sigh and a mumbled something that sounded like “M’f you too” and Finn raised his head just enough to kiss the back of Poe’s head and then flop down again. Poe grabbed Finn’s arm and wrapped it around himself, pulling him close.

Best night ever.


	4. Finn is pretty sure Poe is trying to kill him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn felt at all times that he was barely holding it together.

Finn felt at all times that he was barely holding it together.

Every day, all day, he was just winging it. A new food? Sure, he’ll try it. Some strange custom everyone knows about but him? Sure, he can play along. New friends who made spontaneous decisions and were constantly in trouble and seemed to get shot at all the time? Sure, it beats the First Order.

But this whole thing with relationships and holding hands and kissing and flirting? He had absolutely no idea what to do. None. Total blank.

So when he grabbed Rey’s hand after they first met, he didn’t know if that was normal or not but it seemed like what civilians do, right? The big strong man holds the pretty lady’s hand as they get shot at and run away from TIE fighters together? Uh... maybe?

And when Rose kissed him on Crait, he thought, ok, maybe this is what friends do. They just kiss each other, like randomly, or when they almost die, or in the middle of a big battle when you’re in the process of dying.

It took spending a lot of time in his room by himself after they all ran away to the new old base to finally think this stuff through. And, of course, the only person he felt he could talk to about it was Rey.

“So… how do you know when someone wants to, you know, date you? Or get married or whatever?”

“What?” she said as she scraped rust off a part. They were reviewing old manuals as they tried to do inventory. The base had warehouses full of old, falling-apart stuff, and Finn was amazed that the resistance was able to function at all. It was like ants trying to take down a bantha with toothpicks and rusty nails. Maybe that said more about the First Order than it did the rebels, though.

“I just don’t get it. Like, at all,” he continued as he handed her yet another rusted motor. “I mean, there’s no dating or flirting in the First Order. People have sex and the superiors look the other way most of the time, but no one can get married or have kids, and no one talks about it. It’s all ‘don’t ask and don’t tell.’ But out here --” he waves his hand around to the universe in general “-- it’s all very confusing.”

“How should I know?” she said and grunted as she banged on the part with a hammer. That didn’t seem to be the right tool, Finn thought, but what did he know? Not much, that was clear. “I spent my childhood alone in a rusting AT-AT. Most of the people I met wanted to steal from me or kill me or both. I don’t know how it works.”

“So you’ve never dated anyone?” he said, both curious and surprised.

“Not really.” She finally put down the motor and wiped her hands on a rag. She looked up at him and paused to think. “I guess I had friends, but we weren’t very close. Not like I am with you and Rose.”

“Did you kiss them?”

“No, blech, most of them were like, 30 years older than me or another species.”

“Well then you’re not going to be very helpful,” he said grumpily. But she just smiled at him with soft affection.

“What are you worried about? Are you interested in someone?”

Finn just shook his head all around and shrugged. “I have no idea. Maybe? I don’t know. I mean, Rose kissed me, but it was kind of awkward and then she passed out. And I want to hold your hand all the time, but it’s usually because I’m always worried about you” -- Rey just smiled at him again like he was adorable “-- and I think Poe is flirting with me constantly, but he seems to flirt with everyone so I don’t know what that means. Like I said. Confusing.”

Rey just shrugged and went back to cleaning the motor. “Maybe you should just go with it. Do what feels right. As long as the other person seems into it, it might be fun.” She flashed him one of her trademark sunny smiles, and Finn couldn’t help but smile back.

Ok, sure. He’ll just go with it. Like with everything else in his life.

\--~--~--

“You will never guess what happened to me last night.”

Finn plopped down across from Rey in the mess hall, dropping his tray down with a clank to punctuate the statement. It was about a week after their conversation about relationships, and Chewbacca had managed to bring down one of the large, antlered indigenous herbivores that roamed the forests on Ajan Kloss. The entire base was enjoying the first red meat they’ve had in ages, and just the smell if it roasting in the hangar deck had brought everyone outside throughout the day. Now that Rey had come in from her afternoon training, Finn was taking the opportunity to eat his share.

“Um, Chewbacca taught you how to barbecue?” Rey said around a large bite of meat. She looked kinda blissed out, her cheeks puffed out on one side as she slowly chewed, and Finn couldn’t help but chuckle.

“No, but that would be awesome.”

“You found a new gyro stabilizer for the Falcon?” she said excitedly. It had been on her top ten wish list for the Falcon since returning from Luke’s island.

“No, sorry.”

“You named one of the porgs?” she said with a giggle.

“No,” Finn said impatiently, and he started to bounce and wonder if they were going to do this all afternoon. She saw the look on his face and smiled around another big bite. 

“Ok, tell me then.”

“Poe came to my room in the middle of the night, wanting to talk. We drank some of those beers that I had been saving and then --” he dropped his voice down to a whisper and leaned across the table “-- we fell asleep on the couch.”

Rey did an exaggerated gasp and leaned forward. “Really? Do tell. Did you kiss?”

“What?” Finn sat back again. “No.” And then he started to feel uncertain. “Should we have? Should I have kissed him?”

She shrugged. “Did you want to?” She took another bite.

He puffed out his cheeks as he breathed out a heavy sigh. “I don’t know. It was kind of weird. Poe was all… insecure and fidgety. He tried to get out of it at first, like he was regretting knocking on my door, but then he eventually chilled out and we talked for a while. He said he's having trouble sleeping. I think he’s feeling guilty. For making bad decisions or something.”

Rey was pensive as she slowly chewed and swallowed. “Did you tell him you’ve been having trouble sleeping too?”

“Kind of, but we didn’t really get into it.”

“Well, it sounds like a good thing. Maybe you both should move in together, like me and Rose. It’s kind of nice having someone else around.”

Finn thought about it. In truth, he’d been thinking about it for a while now, ever since they got to this new base. He didn’t like sleeping alone, had always shared a room with someone his entire life, and the person who came to mind every time was Poe. But there was something else there, a buzzy kind of energy that filled his belly whenever he thought about the idea, and he wasn’t sure what to do with it. It was like feeling nervous, or excited, but neither of those were exactly right.

“And then,” Rey continued, leaning forward conspiratorially, “if you did feel like kissing him, it sure would be a lot easier.”

The bees in his belly buzzed to life again. Maybe, if he managed to summon the courage, he would talk to Poe about it tonight. If he stopped by again. Maybe he just needed to spend more time with Poe and this strange feeling inside him would eventually go away. He liked talking with him. He really liked it, and despite the nervous energy, Poe was an easy person to talk to.

Maybe they could work something out. Maybe some day they could spend every night together. That didn't sound like such a bad idea.

\--~--~--

But that was before he realized that Poe Dameron was trying to kill him.

“Ugh, my eyeballs,” he groaned and turned over in bed. That was a mistake, as everything swam. He swallowed heavily, his throat dry and thick.

“I think something died in my mouth,” Poe said next to him, his voice an octave lower than usual. 

Finn tried to open his eyes but they felt like they had sand in them. The room was lit from yellow light that came in around the curtains, and he realized it must be morning. He reached up to rub his face, but the movement made the room spin more. He swallowed again and realized he was going to be sick. He quickly rolled out of bed and made it into the small bathroom before throwing up a bunch of liquid into the toilet.

“Aw, buddy,” Poe said from the other room as he sat up slowly in bed.

“This is all your fault,” Finn said and spit into the toilet. He could feel his heart beating in his head. Pound, pound, pound.

“Hey, I didn’t force you to drink two bottles of wine. You did that all on your own.”

Poe reached over and grabbed a glass of water and two white pills that were sitting next to the bed -- “oh that sweet, sweet girl” -- and downed the pills. “Ok, maybe it’s a little bit my fault,” he said and then slowly stood, swayed a little, and stumbled over to Finn. He handed Finn a full glass of water and a couple of pills. “But here, take this. It will make you feel better,” he said as he stood next to where Finn was kneeling on the floor. Finn took it, and the water settled his stomach somewhat.

“I’ve got to piss,” Poe said and kneed Finn gently out of the way. Finn crawled to the middle of the room and lay face down on the rug. 

“When will the room stop spinning?” he grumbled into the floor. Poe washed his hands and face in the sink and then walked over to Finn. He pulled off Finn’s boots and socks and then did the same for himself and crawled back into bed, fully under the covers this time.

“You should come back to bed,” he said as he rubbed his feet in the sheets and sighed. Finn crawled over to the bed and got in, lying on his back next to Poe. He closed his eyes as Poe reached over and grabbed his hand under the covers.

He liked holding Poe’s hand. He’d found that since leaving the First Order, he really liked getting to touch people. Rey said that he was touch-starved, which seemed a little over-dramatic until he realized that all he wanted to do was hug, squeeze and hold his friends all the time. So maybe there was something to that.

And as he thought about the night before -- what he could remember of it, anyway; the details were a little fuzzy -- he realized he spent most of the night touching Poe as much as possible. At the table, on the dance floor, snuggled in bed afterwards. Right now he was too tired and his whole body hurt too much to have that funny-excited-nervous feeling that he got when he was around Poe these days. But last night it was in full force, especially when they were dancing. Good gracious. He had to drink wine just to keep from losing it altogether.

He wasn’t sure if he liked that buzzy feeling in his chest, honestly. Sometimes it hurt.

“Why do you flirt with everyone all the time?” Finn asked, and then let out a breath in surprise at himself. Where did that come from? His brain was not working right. He didn’t even realize he was thinking about it.

Poe turned his head to the side and then turned over to face Finn. He put his arm around Finn’s chest and buried his face in his shoulder.

“I don’t know. Because it’s fun.” They lay there in the quiet for a few moments before Poe plopped his head up on his hand and looked at Finn. Finn opened one eye and looked at Poe.

“Why?” Poe asked, his voice rough. “Does it bother you?”

Poe’s hair was a mess. It was a lot curlier than Finn had realized, and after a night in bed, the ringlets were sticking up all over. His eyelids were at half mast and stubble had started coming in on his chin, and Poe was relaxed and soft and close and warm.

Ok, there was that buzzing in his chest again. Welcome back.

Finn closed his eyes and turned his head back straight onto the pillow. “Maybe. A little.”

Poe didn’t respond, and after a few moments he settled his head back down into Finn’s shoulder and wrapped his arm around his chest again. He squeezed gently and Finn turned his head and buried his nose into Poe’s curls, breathing deeply.

Ok, maybe Poe wasn’t trying to kill him. But sometimes Finn wondered about the strength of his heart as it pounded in his chest like it did now, ever so slowly calming as they both breathed deeper, sinking heavy and relaxed into the bed. 

He sighed and fell back asleep with the smell of Poe Dameron’s hair filling his head.


	5. Poe and Finn begin negotiations

Poe woke first. 

He slowly rose to consciousness after a hazy dream of yellow flowers and warm honey. He was wrapped around Finn, their arms and legs entangled, and Finn was breathing deeply into Poe’s hair. It was such a languid way to wake that he stayed perfectly still, perfectly relaxed, until he was completely awake and aware of every breath. Every in. Every out.

It was a dream like no other, for it was real.

He knew at that very moment that he wanted to wake up like this every day for the rest of his life. He wanted to have the warmth of Finn’s body, the feel of his breath, the urge to get closer, to be connected in as complete a way as possible. He knew to the center of his bones that there was no better place to be in the universe than right here, next to Finn.

And then his mind did a funny thing.

Every neuron in his brain began to object. Poe Dameron did not get close. Poe Dameron was a fighter pilot. A dashing, distant, fuckably handsome bastard who did not connect with other people. Not like this. What Poe did was love ‘em and leave ‘em. 

What he did not do was intimacy. What he did not do was decide that it didn’t matter if they never had sex, because even if this ache in his chest lasted forever, it would still be worth it. What he did not do was continue to nurture that small flame that threatened to engulf him if he let it.

Maybe it was the feeling of Finn’s nose against his head or maybe it was the hangover or maybe it was the fact that he was in way too deep and he knew there would be no turning back for him. But whatever the case, his mind was overridden. He saw all the reasons why he doesn’t deserve this, isn’t built for it, should never have it, and he ignored them. 

Because, dammit, it’s a nice morning. And he is going to bring Finn a hot cup of coffee.

\--~--~--

Poe slid on the sand-colored robe he found on the back of the bathroom door and quietly left the cabin. He walked barefoot back to the main house, glancing to the left where he spotted Simi on a black tauntaun, trotting around a paddock.

He found Rose and Affred in the kitchen drinking caf made by their black-and-orange domestic droid. Rose opened her arms and invited Poe to come sit on the stool next to her, and she wrapped the blanket she was wearing around them both and snuggled in.

“How are the boy babies?” she asked as she pet his head.

“Alive. Barely,” Poe replied, his voice a little rough. “You?”

“Better than Chewbacca,” she said with a grin. A second later they were both giggling, their heads tight together, as Affred put a cup of coffee in front of him. 

“Oh, you are a prince among men,” he said to Affred and then took a sip. So delicious. “How is it that all of you are so nice? It’s not natural. Your daughter both saved me and ruined my life last night, you know.”

“Yes, she told me that you declared your undying love for pop music. Several times.”

“It’s absolutely incredible. I had no idea that teenagers were so smart. It’s changed my life. Oh, that and the fact that she brought us those pills this morning. Excellent girl.”

“I will pass on the word. Or maybe you can do so yourself. Simi and Lissa have invited you all out riding today, if you have the time.”

Rose clasped her hands together and brought them up to her chin. She was shaking with barely contained delight. “Oh please oh please oh please. You didn’t let me have that monkey, Poe Dameron, so you have to say yes. You must. I insist.” She just looked so hopeful and bright as she scolded him that Poe didn’t have a choice.

“It’s a beautiful day,” he said with an indulgent smile. “How could I say no?”

“Yippee!” she yelled and Poe immediately shushed her and groaned at the noise. She spun around and then ran outside, leaving the blanket behind.

“I guess we’re going riding,” he said and Affred smiled and gave him a second cup.

“For Finn,” he said and nodded at the mug. “Also, Mon would like to talk with you and Finn before you go out today.” It was beyond question to refuse, of course, so Poe just nodded and took the mugs back to the cabin.

\--~--~--

Finn woke a little disoriented.

His head was on a pillow and his arm was slung over Poe’s lap, and he looked up bleary eyed. Poe was sitting next to him, reading the novel that Finn had grabbed from the Falcon, the one with the sexy woman with a pistol and the man with an open shirt and a lightsaber on the cover.

“I didn’t know you wore glasses,” Finn said and put his head back down.

“How far did you make it into this?” Poe looked at the book incredulously. “I think it’s supposed to be about Luke and Leia, but the author clearly didn’t know that they were brother and sister. I mean, wow. This is pretty racy ....”

“Chewbacca said it was a joke,” Finn said with a smile into his pillow. “Apparently Han Solo thought it was hilarious. He insisted on keeping it on the ship.”

“No wonder Ben turned to the Dark Side,” Poe mumbled under his breath. He took a sip of his coffee and continued reading. 

This was nice. This was kind of how Finn had imagined sleeping with Poe would be. Easy, comfortable, warm. He sighed and Poe put the book down. 

“How are you feeling?” Poe asked softly and rubbed Finn’s arm.

“Ok, as long as I’m not moving.”

“That’s going to be a problem for you then. We’ve been invited to ride tauntauns, and I can tell you right now that Rose Tico is not going to let you sit this one out.”

“Ugh,” Finn groaned as he rolled onto his back and rubbed his face. He did feel a little better -- the room was no longer swimming and his headache had subsided -- but the idea of riding an animal brought back the insane escape that he and Rose made at Canto Bight. That was a little too much excitement.

Poe was still stroking his arm, and then he ran his hand down and grabbed Finn’s hand, interlacing their fingers. Finn opened his eyes and turned to look at Poe, his cheek rubbing up against Poe’s forearm. Poe had taken off his glasses and was now watching Finn’s face, looking at his hair and his cheeks and his mouth, and they just lay there looking at each other for a few moments.

“Thanks for letting me crash here last night,” Poe said, a small smile on his lips.

Finn let go of Poe’s hand and pushed himself up to sitting. Poe handed him a mug of black coffee, and he took a drink and set it in his lap.

“So I’ve been thinking --”

“That can be dangerous,” Poe quipped and then took another sip from his mug.

“Just shut up and listen for once,” Finn said with mock annoyance and fixed him with a look. “I think you should move in with me.”

Poe choked on his coffee. He set the mug down on the table next to him, wiped his mouth on his sleeve, and turned back to Finn.

“Don’t you think that’s moving a little fast?” Poe said as he wiped at his shirt, his voice a little higher than normal. He seemed like he was trying for funny, but it came out more nervous.

“No,” Finn said immediately, but then that little doubt -- the one that always made him second-guess everything -- wiggled in. “I mean, I don’t think so. No, I don’t think it is. Anyway Rey thought it was a good idea and --”

“Wait, you talked to Rey about this? About me?”

“Maybe.” Finn turned away and took another sip of his coffee. “Maybe I did.”

“Huh,” Poe said, and after a second he got a funny little smile on his face. Finn just shrugged.

“I just think it would be nice. You can’t sleep. I can’t sleep. We could not-sleep together.”

Poe’s eyebrows shot up into his hairline and he looked like he couldn’t think of what to say. He turned and stared at the door, his face stuck in that stunned, far-away expression. He looked like he was maybe freaking out, and Finn immediately wanted to take it all back. Too fast, dummy, yes, too fast. 

“Never mind,” he said and took in a deep breath. “It was a dumb idea. Forget about it.”

“No, wait, that’s not --” Poe said and reached for Finn’s his hand, pulling it into his lap. “I’m just … adjusting. Just give me… just let me think about it, ok? It’s not a bad idea, I just need to ….” He took another deep breath and ran his other hand through his hair. He looked back at Finn and seemed to make some sort of decision. “I’m just not used to this. To having it be nice. To having…” This was clearly a struggle for him.

“To having someone care about you?”

Poe looked a little surprised by the comment, but then he put his head down and just stared at their clasped hands. “Yeah, maybe.”

They both watched their hands as Poe rubbed his thumb back and forth along Finn’s finger, and for the first time, it felt awkward. That damn buzzing came back, and Finn wondered if he was fucking everything up, and he must have been starting to breathe too fast or something because Poe reached over, put his arm around his shoulders, and brought him into a half hug with their heads close together.

“Hey, I think it’s probably a great idea, buddy,” he said softly. “Thank you. You’re a good friend and I’m lucky to have you. You just need to know that I probably wouldn’t make the best roommate. I’m cranky, I’m up all night and I leave clothes and parts all over the place, and I have BB-8 and, frankly, I’m a mess most of the time. So I just want to make sure you know what you’re getting into --”

“I know you, Poe, and I know how you live. I’ve been in your room, remember?” he said and shrugged. “Besides, I like cleaning. I don’t mind.”

Poe just slowly nodded as he looked at Finn and breathed in and out very deliberately. He bit his lip. “You’d better be careful, Finn,” he said and shook his head. “You’re not doing much to disprove that you’re a fucking perfect human being.”

Finn smiled and bent his head to kiss him on the cheek -- just a quick peck that felt as natural to him as walking. “You say the nicest things.”

Poe closed his eyes briefly and cleared his throat. He took his arm from around Finn’s shoulder and rubbed his hands together and stretched as if he were getting ready to jump into a fight. “Ok, ok,” he whispered quietly, almost to himself, and stretched his neck from side to side. “Oh I feel dizzy.”

But then he perked up and slapped Finn lightly on the thigh. 

“We can talk about this more later, ‘kay?” he said brightly. “Right now we’d better get up and get dressed.” He got out of bed and headed towards the bathroom. “We don't want to keep those ladies waiting….”


	6. Finn and Poe get some bad news

They followed a trail between two tall white fences towards Senator Mothma's personal study, a large, round building sitting at the edge of the forest. Finn had dressed in the brown leather pants, sandy-colored shirt, and grey scarf that Poe had given him a few weeks earlier back at the base. Most of his clothes used to be Poe’s, which everyone on the base seemed to know but no one seemed to care about. Finn figured out pretty quickly that it wasn’t really normal to have someone give you all their clothes, but so much had gone on in the past several months that things like that just didn’t seem very important to anyone any more.

But it was important to Finn. Finn cared about the clothes. He was very aware of what Poe was wearing at all times. Today Poe had on a soft, cream-colored shirt with the sleeves rolled up and his favorite canvas pants with a sturdy belt, and he had a scarf that was similar to Finn’s. It was several shades darker, so it matched his hair. 

Sometimes when they dressed similarly, Finn would imagine that they were brothers or partners, out on an adventure, going on secret missions with matching scarves, and it made Finn feel cool, like he was a flashy hero like the famous, dashing Poe Dameron. (“You are like Poe,” Rose’s voice comes out in his head; she even imaginary-punches him for good measure. “You’re every inch the hero that he is.”) 

Once he wrote “Finn Dameron” in the back of one of the shirts, but then immediately scratched it out, leaving a black mark. Because even though in his mind, he was beginning to secretly call himself that, he figured that Poe had already given him one name, and it seemed unfair to make him give another. No one asked Finn his last name, anyway, so it never really came up.

These were the thoughts that slid around like loose canisters in his brain as they walked to Mon Mothma’s study. He kept shaking his head like maybe they would slide back to where ever they came from, because he was having a hard time focusing. He kept looking over at Poe, and half the time he’d catch Poe looking back. It would have been funny if it didn’t make his chest do such such strange things. 

Stay focused -- you can do this, Finn Dameron!

“You seem like you’re feeling better,” Poe said, pointing to his face. Finn realized he’d been smiling to himself. Finn looked up above him, at the huge, purplish clouds and the deep blue sky, and he spread his arms around to the grand blue forests and the tauntauns running around and tossing their heads. Then he looked to Poe and smiled. “It’s a beautiful day, Poe. Even you can’t be cranky on a day like this.”

Poe snorted and launched himself at Finn, grabbing him around the neck and kissing the top of his head. Finn playfully pushed him away, but Poe grabbed his hand and pulled him next to him. The mood seemed to change almost instantly as Poe’s face softened a little, and they continued up the trail hand in hand. 

Finn couldn’t keep up with the flips that were happening in his insides pretty constantly. Something had changed in the past day, and it was like he and Poe were hyper aware of each other, constantly looking over as they got ready, as they grabbed some breakfast, talked with Rose and Chewie, made plans for later in the day. Poe sat next to him on the couch, stood next to him in the kitchen, grabbed his hand under the table. He kind of wished they could just go back to bed and talk about …

What? Talk about what? What did they have to talk about? It felt like there was something there between them, as tangible as a physical object in the room, but Finn had no idea what it was, what to even call it, so how could they talk about it? He sighed and tried to focus on the task at hand.

They reached the senator’s study, which turned out to be a large and beautiful building that was more like a temple. It had the same low walls and high, sloping, round roof as the other buildings, but it also had long, ornate wooden steps, stained glass windows, and a copper tiled roof with three copper moons rising from the top. The door had a blue glass window in the shape of a sun. Poe knocked, and a silver protocol droid opened the door and invited them in.

The senator was sitting in an egg-shaped, floating seat next to a long, padded bench on the opposite side of the open room. Book shelves lined the rounded walls to the left and the right, and a large half-circle desk sat to the left. A long, low window above the padded bench looked out into the forest. 

Mon Mothma was watching a blue hologram image, and Poe and Finn stopped when they realized it was of General Organa.

“Please, come in,” the senator said and turned off the image. She waved them over and patted the bench closest to her. “Please sit down. Would you like some tea?”

The droid brought them a tray with some hot, spiced tea, and they each took a cup. It was rich and aromatic and was unlike anything Finn had ever tasted. 

“Thank you for coming to meet with me before going out today. I hear Simi is taking you to the mushroom forest this afternoon?” She looked specifically at Finn as she took a sip of her tea. Even after the wine and conversation from last night, Finn still felt very uncomfortable talking to the senator. He felt like he was an imposter, like he didn’t belong here at her house, accepting her hospitality and talking about politics and strategy. He had no idea what to do with his hands or how to look at her, much less what to say. He often felt that way about Leia Organa too, but at least with her, they’d been in battle together. There was something about fighting alongside someone that made them easier to talk to.

He just nodded and looked at Poe nervously. Poe winked and squeezed his knee.

The senator then set her cup down and reached over to them, grabbing each of them by the hand. Her hands were soft and smooth, and the touch instantly made Finn forget about anything else he was thinking and focus entirely on Mon Mothma.

“I needed to talk with you both about General Organa,” she said and squeezed their hands. “There is no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it. The general is dying.”

Poe took in a sharp breath and sat back against the bench.

“What do you mean, she’s dying?” he said, his voice alarmed.

Senator Mothma looked somber but steady. “Not right now. And maybe not for a while. But it’s coming. My dear, the princess is strong in the force, but even that can’t prevent her from growing old. She has been serving in the resistance for a very long time -- has committed her life to the cause, sometimes even to the detriment of the people she loves. She’s tired, and the last few months have taken a heavy toll on her. She’s lost Han. She’s lost Luke. She's lost her son. While she doesn’t show it, and probably will continue not to show it until the very end, she is growing weak. She doesn’t have much time, and she knows it.”

Finn looked at Poe, and everything in him wanted to embrace his friend. Poe looked devastated, like he had never considered the fact that Leia Organa could grow old and die. Finn had been there when the command ship’s bridge had been shot out out and Leia force-pulled herself back in, but everything was happening so fast that none of them -- not even Poe -- had really processed that Leia might have died. Then they moved on and were soon right back in the action.

“Poe, you have been with Leia for a long time. Your parents were with the rebellion, and she trusts you -- even though you have made mistakes. She speaks very fondly of you, and she thinks you have the potential to be a great leader, if you can slow down enough to do it. Poe --” she pulled at his hand a little, speaking very slowly, as if maybe he wouldn’t understand if she didn’t, “-- she needs you --”

And then she looked at Finn.

“-- and you need him,” she said and nodded at Finn.

It was Finn’s turn to feel astonished. Why would Poe need Finn? I mean, yes, they’re friends, but Poe has a lot of friends. He has people with more experience, more skills, more history. He has his squadron, especially Snap Wexley and Jessica Pava, and Rey is way more powerful than all of them. It didn’t make sense. He looked at Poe to confirm that this didn’t make sense, but instead, Poe just looked resigned, like he knew the senator was right but was having a hard time accepting it.

She pulled Finn and Poe’s hands together and then wrapped her own fingers around them, holding them tightly.

“The resistance is hanging on by a thread, and you all are going to need to depend on each other. Absolutely. There’s no time for competition or jealousy, no time for distrust. Your biggest asset is each other, and those bonds need to be as strong as they can be. Leia knows this, and it’s one of the reasons she sent you to me. I can tell you things that she cannot. She knows that she is a beacon of light for the resistance, and if people knew she was dying, they would lose confidence in the fight. She can never talk with you about it and she will never admit it.

“But I am here to tell you that you must be strong for her and for everyone who struggles against the First Order. The two of you --” she looks at them both and squeezes their hands “-- are her last hope.”

Poe shook his head in denial.

“But what about Rey? Or … I don’t know, Commander D’Acy or someone. There’s got to be someone else.”

“Rey has another destiny. Leia has seen it, and that is why she is training her in the ways of the force. No, there is no one else, Poe. When she dies, she plans on making you general.”

Poe pulled his hands free and put his palms to his eyes. Finn reached up and squeezed the back of his neck, wanting to lean over and murmur his support, but he felt a little self-conscious in front of the senator. 

“I’m sorry to be the bearer of such news, but you needed to know,” the senator said softly. “Is there anything I can do for you, commander? I am here to support you however I can.”

Poe suddenly shook his head and stood up, shaking off Finn’s hand.

“Thank you for telling me, senator. I appreciate it. If you’ll please excuse me,” he said and went for the door.

\--~--~--

Poe was having trouble seeing. It felt like his chest was going to implode, as the ever-present frustration and anger and anxiety began to overrun his system. 

This had been a growing problem for weeks. He seemed to have very little control over his emotions, especially his temper, and he spent a fair amount of time in his room abusing things. BB-8 was safe, of course, he would never hurt his beloved droid, but she also knew to get out of the way and make herself scarce during these little episodes. It mostly happened at night when no one else was around, so he’d been able to keep it under control to a certain extent.

But the truth was, he was becoming completely and utterly consumed by it. By guilt, by fatigue, by loneliness, by this constant gnawing anxiety inside his chest, and it was beginning to eat him alive. This news about Leia just finally put him over the top.

“Hey, wait up,” Finn called from behind him as Poe stomped down the trail toward the main house. But he didn’t slow, didn’t turn around, because he didn’t want to talk to Finn. He had nothing to say to Finn.

“Poe, stop.” He felt Finn’s hand on his arm and he tried to shrug it off but Finn didn’t let him. He pulled Poe to a stop and stood in front of him. “Talk to me.” He put his hands on his hips and stood legs apart like he wasn’t going to let Poe by unless he talked first.

“Dammit, Finn, what do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know. Anything. We were just told that Leia is dying and she wants you to lead the resistance. You have nothing to say about that?”

“Oh, yeah, I’ve got a lot to say about that. Like, this is absurd. I’m not the right guy. I’ll never be the right guy, and I’ve proven that over and over again. Holdo knew it, you know it, everyone else knows it too. Leia is just flat out wrong about this, and I’m going to tell her that when we get back. I can’t do this. I won’t do it!”

He was yelling, his fists clenched as he threw out his hands to the side. He felt like punching something. Or someone. 

“Of course you can do this,” Finn said, his voice irritatingly calm and steady. “You’re Poe Dameron, resistance hero and the best pilot in the galaxy. You can do anything.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Finn, you’ve got to stop believing that bullshit!” He started pacing between the fences, feeling like a pent up animal himself. This was untenable, this lie that the resistance had been spreading that Poe was some sort of war hero. They never told the truth when they spread that fucking propaganda bullshit because if people knew the truth -- that if you join the resistance, it’s just a death sentence -- people would never join up.

He approached one of the fences and punched it. The wood cracked and it hurt like a son-of-a-bitch, but he didn’t care. Poe just put his hands on the top of his head. The tears started to well in his eyes and he wiped at his face angrily. 

“Are you done?” Finn said conversationally, his hands on his hips.

“Yes,” Poe said and pushed his way past Finn. He continued down the trail, then walked past the main house and towards the cabins. He reached his hand for the door before he realized that he had gone straight for Finn’s cabin as if it were his.

“What are you doing?” he said to himself and immediately turned towards the one behind, which had Poe’s bag in it. He went through the door and tried to slam it behind him, but Finn was right there. Finn came through and shut the door.

“Ok, it’s my turn,” Finn said as Poe turned on him, ready to tell him to get out. Finn put hands back on his hips. “Number one, it’s not bullshit, and you’re going to need to figure that out. How long are you going to beat yourself up about all this? If you really thought that you're not the hero that people believe you are, then why are you still here? Why not just leave? I’ll tell you why. It’s because somewhere deep down, you know that you wouldn’t leave your friends and that this is what you should be doing. You’re here because you care, and you know that we need you.”

Poe opened his mouth to object, but Finn cut him off with a pointed finger.

“Second, no one is dying right now, this very second, and we’ve got some time to figure this out. We’ve got time to learn what we need to and make sure the resistance is prepared. After the discussion we had last night, it sounds like we’ve got a lot of work to do but it’s not hopeless. We’ve got allies all over the galaxy, and they’ve been working to help us. They’ll continue to work to help us. They’re just waiting for our signal, and then we’ll take the fight back to the First Order.”

Finn walked over to Poe and raised his hands. Poe flinched involuntarily, and Finn looked heartbroken for a moment but then rested his hands gently on Poe’s shoulders. 

“And finally, you’re not alone,” he said, his voice soft but his eyes determined. “I will be with you every step of the way. I’m not leaving, Poe, no matter what you say.”

Something in Finn’s voice and touch took all the steam right out of him. Poe's shoulders slumped, and he leaned into Finn a little. This was all too much. Between the news about Leia and his own deep self doubts -- not to mention this growing connection with Finn, which needed to be dealt with sooner or later -- he didn’t know how he was still standing.

It’s because Finn is holding me up, he realized suddenly, like a flash of light. Both literally and figuratively, Finn was right there, was always right there, no matter what Poe did or what he said. 

“Why?” he said, looking in Finn’s eyes, searching the warm depth there for answers. “Why do you stay?”

“Are you serious?” Finn said incredulously. “What is wrong with you?” And then he slid his hands to either side of Poe’s face and kissed him. It was just soft enough, just long enough, just deep and firm enough to punctuate his point, to make sure that Poe was paying attention and understood that he was serious. But it wasn’t long enough for Poe to react before Finn leaned back again.

“It’s because I love you,” he said and then pulled Poe into a strong hug. 

Poe closed his eyes as his chest burst inside him. He buried his face into Finn’s neck and embraced him back. He no longer cared if he cried in front of him, Poe was way past that, and he let the tears finally spill over while Finn held him, rocking him back and forth and telling him that it would be ok, they’ll be ok, they'll figure it out. They stood there for a long time, Finn rubbing Poe's back and petting his hair. Poe’s breathing began to slow and he felt like he could stand again.

Until Finn turned his head, planted a kiss on Poe’s temple, and inhaled deeply, his nose buried in Poe’s hair.

That’s what did it. Something about that action, about the intimacy of it, about having Finn smell his hair like he had that morning as they lay in bed, went straight to Poe’s gut. Suddenly, having Finn so close was going to be a problem for him very quickly, and he pulled back a little, allowing some space between them. He rested his head on Finn’s shoulder and tried to get his breathing back under control.

Had it been anyone else in the universe, Poe would have had absolutely no problem with kissing him back, with pushing him up against the wall and seeing where it went. But this was Finn, and he had no idea what Finn meant by the kiss. It felt almost friendly, like maybe this was something he just did with his friends, but under any other circumstances, that was not just a friendly kiss. He didn’t think he had the capacity at the moment to process all of that, however, so he pulled back.

“You ok?” Finn asked carefully as he pushed a curl off Poe’s forehead. Poe swallowed and nodded.

“I’m… uh,” he looked around the room and thought that he needed to pull himself together. They were supposed to be going out and spending time with their hosts, which seemed absurd at the moment. How was he expected to just carry on after all this? He shook his head. “I just need a few minutes. Let them know I’ll be ready to go soon.”

Finn looked unsure, and he stood there with his hands on Poe’s arms for a few moments, looking at Poe’s face. As the moment grew, Poe could feel his eyes grow slightly wider as he suddenly thought that maybe Finn was going to kiss him again. But instead, Finn just squeezed his shoulders and dropped his hands.

“Ok. I’ll be outside.” He gave Poe a warm smile and turned to leave. As the door opened, Poe called out to him.

“Finn?” When Finn turned around, Poe nodded at him. “You’re a good friend. Thanks.”

Finn didn’t smile back. He took in a deep breath and almost looked sad for a moment, but then nodded and closed the door behind him. Poe covered his face with his hands and groaned.

He was pretty sure he wasn’t going to make it through this day.


	7. Rose saves the day

Finn realized two things when he kissed Poe Dameron on the lips for the first time.

The first was that it was the best thing he had ever done in his entire life. Hands down, no competition. The only thing that might even come close was escaping the First Order (also with Poe, his mind volunteered, Poe Poe Poe). 

The second thing he realized was that he wanted to do it again. And again. And again.

For a few moments, it felt like a door had opened and he could see the whole universe on the other side, and he knew exactly what he wanted. He wanted to hold Poe in his arms and give him as many kisses as he could stand. He wanted it more than anything.

But then Poe had pulled away and thanked him for being his “friend” and it all kind of fell apart. He suddenly realized that he did not want to be Poe’s friend. He didn’t know what he wanted to be, exactly, but for some reason, “friend” was not it. 

“What are you doing out here?” 

It was Rose. Finn had been standing in the middle of the courtyard staring at a blue bush for what felt like hours. It was probably just a few minutes, but time didn’t have much meaning at the moment.

“I kissed Poe.” He felt like maybe he wasn’t totally inside his body. He was having that feeling a lot lately.

“Oh wow,” she said softly, gently resting her hand on his elbow. “Are you ok?”

“I don’t know,” he said, his voice a little high. He slowly shook his head back and forth.

“Did he… kiss you back?”

“Nope.” He took in a deep breath, which helped clear his mind a little -- breathing was also weirdly challenging these days -- and finally looked at Rose. She had her hands out like he was a wild animal and she was afraid he was going to bolt. “He said thanks and told me to wait outside.”

It took a second for that to sink in. “Oh wow,” she said again, her eyes wide.

“Yep.”

She very slowly put her arm in his and started to guide him into the house. She set him down on the couch and disappeared for a few minutes. He was vaguely aware of her talking to someone in hushed tones, but then she was back with a glass of some kind of juice. He automatically took a drink and then held it in his lap, continuing to stare into space. She sat down next to him.

“You want to talk about it?”

His mouth started moving of its own volition. He told her about the arm waving and the punching and the yelling -- although he had enough presence of mind to leave out the details of the conversation with Mon Mothma, at least, and only gave vague reasons for the argument. He described how they ended in an embrace that he thought was good, but maybe it wasn’t so good. When he was done talking, she just sighed.

“I’m sorry, Finn,” she said, her voice soft and empathetic. “I think if you just talk with him about it, you two will figure it out. Poe loves you, but it’s pretty clear he’s struggling right now. Just give him a little time.”

Finn looked at the glass in his hands and considered her words. Things were changing between them really quickly, and even though it felt like he was in free fall and it gave him vertigo, he was eager for it. Hungered for it. Was starved for it. He had no idea he could feel this way. He liked talking with Poe, sleeping with Poe, holding his hand, but he wanted more. He wanted it all. He thought of Mon Mothma’s words, that Poe needed him, and he wanted to be needed. He was eager to get to wherever it was they were headed. 

But he had no idea where that was or what he was doing. He was flying blind, with no context, no instructions, no guidance. If he did nothing, he felt that Poe would just be stuck and they wouldn’t get anywhere. But when he just went with it, it seemed like it was too fast. What was he supposed to do?

He sighed again and Rose gave his arm a quick pat.

“Tell you what. You let me deal with Poe, and you go outside and check out that.” She was pointing out the window where Simi and Lissa were putting some tauntauns into a paddock. They had saddles and tack, and the tauntauns were trotting around and sniffing the ground. A brown-and-white paint and a silver butted heads, and Simi threw up her hand to get them to stop.

Rose was beaming. She looked like she could barely contain herself, and somehow, it caught an edge inside him. She was right, of course. Maybe he just needed to set this aside for a while and let it be. 

He smiled at her goofy face. Things have a way of working themselves out.

\--~--~-- 

Rose was waiting for him when Poe finally made it out of his cabin.

“Let me see it,” she said, pointing to Poe’s right hand. Poe sighed and let Rose look at the scraped skin on his first two knuckles. The wounds had stopped bleeding, but he’d made a bit of a mess of his skin, and a large bruise was forming as his hand began to swell.

“You’re such an idiot,” she said and pulled him into the main house. The domestic droid had laid out a variety of bandages and bacta salves. She carefully cleaned the scrapes as they sat at the counter.

“You gonna tell me why you and Finn were fighting?”

“Me and Finn? Now why would we be fighting?” That’s right, Dameron, keep it light. He felt proud of himself. 

“Because you’re an idiot,” she said and put on a bandage.

“Nice. Love you too,” he said dryly. She just continued working on his hand, giving him a little kiss on the bandage once it was all taped down. They walked outside and towards one of the side paddocks, where Finn, Simi and Lissa were talking. Lissa was holding the leads of two tauntauns, and three others were already saddled, bridled, and tied to the fence.

“Am I in trouble about the fence?” he said out of the side of his mouth as he leaned into Rose, who had taken his arm as they walked.

“No, but only because Finn covered for you. He said the fence broke because you two were ‘playing around’ and it was an accident.”

They walked over to the black tauntaun, which was tied loosely to the middle rail. The beast reached his head over the top of the fence and blew out a breath through his large nostrils. Rose pet his nose.

“He loves you, you know,” she said. For a moment Poe thought she was talking about the tauntaun until he followed her line of sight. Finn was currycombing one of mounts and talking with Simi, who was getting ready to throw a saddle over its back. Poe’s heart squeezed a little, but he ignored it.

“I know.”

“No, I mean --” and she looked up into his face so Poe couldn’t look away, her eyebrows raised. “He really. Loves you. As in, none of the rest of us have a chance. As in, you’d better not mess it up because Rey and I will hunt you down and… and you’ll be sorry.” She tapped his chest.

Poe met her gaze and bit his cheek. Two can play that game.

“As in, he’s too good for me?”

Rose just tilted her head to the side and considered.

“No, he’s not too good for you. I actually think you two make a lot of sense. But you’re pretty messed up these days, Poe. I’m glad you two are finally --“ she reached out with her hands and pretended to put them all over Poe’s body “-- doing whatever this constant public display of groping is. But just ...” She sighed and then reached up and cupped Poe’s cheek. “Be careful with him, ok? He doesn’t get it. You have to be very clear with him about what you want.”

She fixed him with a sassy look. “Because he thinks you just want to be friends, which is so not what’s going on here.”

“Ok, well, thanks for the dating advice,” Poe said, feeling annoyed. He wasn’t _that_ obvious.

He wasn’t, right? That obvious? He looked at Rose’s face again and it seemed pretty clear that he wasn’t fooling anyone. She just shook her head again. “You’re both idiots.”

“Hey!” Finn yelled from the middle of the paddock when he spotted them. He began to scoot along the fence, trying to avoid the back of the tauntauns that were tied up. “Do these guys kick? They look like they’d kick. Nice tauntaun,” he said to the one closest to him as he ducked nervously under its neck and got right up next to the one that Rose was petting. 

“Poe, this is so amazing.” He had a huge, luminous smile on his face that lit up the whole sky. “I already got up on one of them and they are _fast_. It’s kinda bumpy at first but it is so much fun. You’re going to love it!” He was so excited that he bounced up and down and then apologized to the black tauntaun, which was now throwing its head in agitation. Poe couldn’t help but laugh. 

He was so completely fucked.

\--~--~--

Poe didn’t know it, but Finn made sure that he had the fastest tauntaun. 

It turned out that Simi was the master tauntaun trainer at the farm, and she was in the process of breaking in the black one. As they combed the mounts, put on the tack, and cinched the saddles, Finn learned that they all have their temperaments. The silver was big and fast, but he might toss you (that’s the one they gave to Poe). The brown with the black forelocks and fetlocks was sweet and smaller, and that one went to Rose. Finn had the brown-and-white paint, which was steady and sturdy and would go anywhere he asked. The last one was an old white dam they called “Momma,” who didn’t put up with any nonsense from the youngsters and was used to help train the others. She was in the back with Lissa.

They headed up into the hills to the south, along a well-used bridle trail. For a while, they just walked along, and Simi talked about living out in the country on this strange and remote planet. Lissian IV used to have a much larger human population, but during the Old Republic, it was discovered that there were so many unique medicinal plants and animals on the planet that it was almost completely set aside for conservation and medical research, which meant it didn’t really have any strategic importance any more. That was just like she and her husband liked it. 

Of course, the First Order just did whatever they wanted to, so that could change at any moment. But for now, they were mostly ignored.

Finn and Rose asked a lot of questions, and Finn tried to ignore the fact that Poe said almost nothing as he rode behind them. The one time that Finn did get up the courage to look back, Poe was gazing off into the trees, his eyebrows pulled together and his face serious. It made Finn want to panic, but he just turned back and tried to listen to Simi tell stories.

It wasn’t hard. Simi was a dynamic, clever and quick-witted person who clearly loved what she was doing. Every once in a while, the black she was riding would begin to toss his head and trot to the side, and she would pull him around in several tight circles until he was back under her control. She didn’t break a sweat or stop telling her stories, as if this was just a normal thing, and then she’d continue leading them up the trail.

They reached the top of a hill where there was an open field filled with low-growing purplish groundcover. Simi broke into a loping run on her tauntaun, and the rest of them followed. Poe’s silver suddenly sprinted past all of them, and it looked like Poe was surprised as he struggled to bring in the reins. But then he got the hang of it, stood up in his stirrups and leaned forward. The tauntaun got the message and broke into a full run.

Finn took off after him. He knew his mount wasn’t quite as fast, but it was willing, and he chased the silver to the end of the field. But as they reached the edge of the forest again, it looked like the silver wasn’t going to stop, even though Poe was pulling on the reins. At the last second, the silver turned sharply to the right and Poe went sailing through the air.

Finn was off his mount and running towards Poe before he could even think. Poe was lying on the ground, his hands covering his face, and Finn feared the worst. He dropped down at Poe’s side.

“Are you ok? Are you hurt?” He looked for any obvious injuries and then pulled Poe’s hands away from his face.

Poe was laughing so hard he couldn’t speak. He had tears in his eyes as he put one of his hands on his chest and grabbed Finn with the other.

“That was the funnest fucking thing,” he said when he finally caught his breath. He looked at Finn’s stunned face and then started laughing harder. Finn just slumped a little in relief, and Poe pulled him down to the ground and wrapped his arm around Finn’s neck as he laughed. 

Finn’s tauntaun clomped over and put his head down and sniffed them. Poe reached up and patted him on the nose, squeaking out “good boy” before squeezing Finn around the neck again and then laying back on the ground, his arms wide as he caught his breath.

“You’re a crazy person,” Finn said and shook his head. Poe just made a vocal sighing noise and wiped the tears from his eyes.

“And this is news to you?” he said and rubbed Finn on the head.

Simi rode up, leading Poe’s silver behind her. “Everything ok down there?”

“Yeah, great!” Poe said and then sat up. He had purple leaves in his hair. “Let’s do that again!”

The spell was broken after that. All the tension disappeared as Poe and Finn remounted their tauntauns and walked back to the trail side by side, their legs occasionally touching. Poe stretched his neck and groaned -- apparently getting thrown 20 feet by a tauntaun didn’t come without a few consequences -- but otherwise he had a big smile on his face as he patted the silver’s neck and murmured encouragement. 

They still didn’t hold hands, but at least they could look at each other for more than a second. The sight of Poe’s smile playing on his lips brought back all those funny flips in Finn’s stomach. 

Maybe we could just stay here, the thought flit through Finn’s mind. Just work with the animals and maybe get Leia to come too, and they could never leave. Forget about the resistance. Forget about everything. But he knew that could never happen, so he just tried to enjoy the momentary reprieve from the suffocating burden of their everyday lives.


	8. A splinter in the mind's eye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn has a secret, and Poe can’t take it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is a personal tribute to one of the most influential books of my life. All the love and humble respect for the great Alan Dean Foster.

They continued down the trail for a while, the path branching several times and becoming less well used and more challenging. They jumped over streams, skirted around logs, ducked under branches. Eventually they came to an open spot where the trail stopped.

The ground just beyond dipped down into a huge, rounded bowl, and inside was a grove of enormous mushrooms. The largest were as big as buildings, with slimy orange, white, purple, pink and green caps. The edges had white lacy fringe, and the stems were sturdy and wide.

“This was an impact crater, many centuries ago,” Simi said and got off of her tauntaun. She tied the mount to a branch and tilted her head for them to do the same. “Most of these mushrooms are many decades old. They grow, flower and eventually die, and others grow up in their place. No one really knows what they are or how long they’ve been here, but I haven’t heard of anything like it on this planet or any other.”

Finn walked up to the edge of the bowl and looked down into the mushroom grove. The colors alone were breathtaking.

But then a coldness blew over Finn and he shivered. His vision began to tunnel slightly and he rubbed his arms.

“You ok, buddy?” Poe was watching Finn’s face with concern. His hand came up and rested on Finn’s shoulder.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” Finn said. “I just… have a funny feeling about this place.”

Simi and Lissa exchanged a look. “We’re safe. We come here all the time,” Simi said and then began down the slope. Finn wasn’t so sure, though, and he suddenly wished they’d brought their blasters.

“Maybe I’ll stay here and keep watch,” he murmured to Poe as he looked around the forest. He wasn’t sure what it was, but he felt like they were being watched. Poe looked worried as he glanced between Finn and their hosts, who were now walking into the mushroom forest.

“I’ll stay here with you then,” he said with a nod. But Rose wasn’t going to have it. She was already down the slope and looking with awe up into the gills of a giant green mushroom.

“Come on, you two. Stop your moping and get down here!”

Poe tilted his head towards Rose and raised his eyebrows in the question, and Finn sighed and nodded. He just needed to relax. He reluctantly followed Poe down the hill.

It was unlike anything Finn had ever seen. Soon they were deep under the mushroom canopy, and he realized they were glowing faintly. Everywhere he looked were fungi of different shapes and sizes, all of them brightly colored and shiny. Poe, Finn, and Rose caught up with their hosts, who had stopped under a smaller purple mushroom that was just wide enough for all of them to stand under. Simi pointed to something under an enormous pink one that was further in.

“The caretakers,” she whispered quietly. For under the mushroom was a black, long-legged, spindly creature that was slowly stroking the trunk of the mushroom. Finn looked around and found another high in the gills, very slowly working towards the outer edge, where the white fringe was hanging down. “As far as we can tell, they are part of a symbiotic relationship with the mushrooms. They seem to groom them and care for them, and we’ve even seen them carrying smaller mushrooms from one place to another.”

“Is that what's making those noises?” Finn asked, looking around for other black creatures. He spotted another in the red mushroom to their right.

Lissa squinted her eyes at him. “What noises?”

“You know, the…” He looked at his friends. They were looking at him puzzled. “You don’t hear anything?”

“I’ve never heard the caretakers make any sounds, no," Simi said. "They don’t seem to even realize that we’re here. But sometimes this place can play with your hearing. It’s…” she paused and looked around “...special.”

Finn just swallowed. He was definitely hearing things, like a whispering or a rustling, and he didn’t like it. He felt like there was something familiar about this place, and not in a good way. Every hair on his body was standing alert.

Poe grabbed his hand and pulled him closer as they continued further in. They walked close to one of the black creatures, and Simi was right. It didn’t seem to notice them at all as it gently dragged the sharp points at the end if its legs down the side of the mushroom. 

Rose gasped as they walked forward, and everyone looked up. Before them was the largest mushroom of all, an enormous, white-stemmed behemoth that towered above the others. Multiple black creatures were slowly working their way across the upper stem, through the gills, and along the edges. 

“This is the oldest of all the mushrooms,” Simi said as she gazed up at it in wonder. “It’s been here for as long as anyone can remember.” She smiled at them, her face filled with reverence. “Come on.”

They followed her to the stem of the mushroom. As they got close, Finn realized that the stem looked very soft, like it had fluffy, cotton bark, and there was a dusting of light grey spores on the ground. Simi reached out and stroked the stem, her fingers lingering in the softness. She hummed and tipped her head in invitation for others to follow.

Finn was unsure about it, and he had a feeling in his gut like he should turn around and go back to the tauntauns. But he also felt an intense pull forward, as if the gravity of the enormous and ancient mushroom was pulling at him. He felt he was moving in slow motion as he walked to the stem, raised his hand, and set his palm flat on the surface.

The world was instantly silenced. It was as if someone had covered his ears, and all he could hear was his heart pounding loudly in his chest. And then he knew with sudden and crystal clarity that they weren’t alone. There was someone else in the grove, and they were all in grave danger.

“There’s someone here!” he yelled and turned to run to the other side of the mushroom. He knew, deep in his chest, that the threat was almost here, and he had to make it there before the threat came for his friends.

The horror of the moment came to full realization as he saw the white armor of a stormtrooper. The ‘trooper was raising his weapon as he walked up to the mushroom, just out of sight from his friends. Before he thought twice, Finn yelled and bull rushed him, slamming up against him before he could shoot. Finn knocked him to the ground, kicked the blaster out of his hands, and straddled him across his chest. The stormtrooper struggled and Finn wrapped his hands around his neck and started to squeeze. He was grunting with the effort, his panic rising as the ‘trooper thrashed and scratched at his hands and face. But after a few moments, the stormtrooper's hands fell away and he lay still.

Finn was breathing hard as a sudden terrible thought filled his mind. He knew this person, he knew this stormtrooper, he was absolutely sure of it. He had killed a friend. He pulled off the helmet and the world screeched to a halt.

For it was Finn's own face staring back at him, eyes blank and unfocused. 

Everything flashed white as he lost consciousness. 

\--~--~--

“Finn!”

Poe caught his friend in his arms just as his legs buckled. Finn had put his hand on the trunk of the mushroom and then stood there, stiff and unseeing, for several seconds before he collapsed. Poe laid him gently on the ground and turned him onto his back, rubbing his face and his chest. Finn was just staring, unresponsive. “Finn? Finn, wake up, buddy. What’s wrong with him?”

Simi knelt down and held Finn’s hand. “He’ll be alright. Just give him a second.”

“What did you do to him?” He suddenly looked accusingly at Simi, his anger starting to boil in his chest. “What is this place?”

Just then, Finn blinked several times as if waking, and then he thrashed and sat up in a panic. “Where did he go?” he shouted and tried to get up. But Simi held him down and shushed him.

“It’s ok, it’s all right, there’s no one here,” she said gently. “You’re safe. We’re all safe.”

Finn slowly began to focus on Poe, and he reached up and grasped him behind his neck as if to reassure himself that Poe was really there and he was ok.

“I don’t understand,” Finn gasped and then looked around again. “I was on the other side of the mushroom and….” He stopped and looked very confused. He was shaking.

“Finn,” Simi said quietly, still holding his hand. “Did you know you were force-sensitive?”

Finn’s eyes snapped to her face and he stopped breathing. “What?”

“Force-sensitive. That you can feel the force. Did you know you could do that?”

Finn looked at Poe and then the others. “I… I don’t…” He began to look very scared again. “I can’t be, I don’t want to.”

“It’s nothing to be scared of. It’s a blessing. Lissa can feel it too.”

Poe looked at Lissa and she blushed and nodded. But Finn continued to look uncomfortable and wouldn't meet Poe's eyes. Suddenly, Poe saw the truth.

“You knew,” he said quietly, and Finn looked at him, his eyes wide and terrified.

“No, Poe, I --”

“Yes, you did. You knew you could use the force and you didn’t tell me.”

It was the feeling of something immovable pushing against your skull, as if a large, hard surface was building up pressure and condensing to a sharp, fine point. That was The Force. The Force was a weapon, a tool of terrorists, something used to rape people’s minds, to throw them across the room, to strangle them. The Force was something mystical and powerful and horrible, something he could never understand, never even begin to comprehend. And above all, The Force was ruinous. 

It ruined people’s lives. It ruined people’s minds.

Without thinking, Poe stood up. Finn’s mouth opened in distress and he reached out his hand as if to pull Poe back to him. Poe took a step back. Finn seemed to see what he was doing with his hands and snapped his arms back in, wrapping them around himself.

Poe turned and walked back towards the tauntauns, ignoring Finn’s calls behind him. He wasn’t mad. In fact, he didn’t feel much at all. He had this dead, cold weight in his stomach and it was very grounding. No one followed him, and he walked back to the silver, mounted, and made his way back down the mountain. He got lost a couple of times, making the wrong turn on a trail and heading up rather than down. But he eventually made it back to the open field and then he had no trouble after that. 

He let the tauntaun go as fast as it wanted, and this meant most of the time they were running and sometimes sliding a little down the hill. Poe didn’t mind, for it gave him a challenge. He could work on his technical skills: lean this way when the silver turns, sit back when you want him to slow, kick lightly to make him go faster. He thought, I could get used to this. He thought, I bet I’d be an excellent tauntaun racer. He thought, I probably would be the best at just about everything, let’s face it.

He didn’t think about the crushing weight pressing into his skull.

The wind had picked up and clouds were building. It felt like a storm was pushing up from the north, and Poe’s hair was a little wild as he let the silver into the paddock. Affred came up and asked him where the others were, and he said they were in the mushroom forest last he saw them and they’d probably be back soon. He smiled and slapped Affred on the back and then went to find Chewbacca.

He was halfway to the main house when he realized he was going to throw up. He ran for his room and made it just outside the door before he was brought to his knees, vomiting next to the house. He crawled up the steps and into the bathroom, and he was almost crying too hard to pour himself a cup of water. 

Leia was dying. 

Leia was fucking dying. She was going to leave him all alone and he just couldn’t do it. How could he possibly pull it together to be a leader? It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t how it was supposed to go. She was supposed to lead them all to victory, she was supposed to tell him what to do, just so he could ignore her and she could get mad at him and slap him on the face a bunch of times. That’s what they did, and it was right. She was right. He deserved it. And she deserved to see the end of this legacy that is her life.

By the time Finn found him, he was a crumpled up pile on the floor. He hadn’t made it further than the center of the room, and Finn took a deep breath from the doorway. Then the door clicked shut and Finn sat down next to him, his back to the bed.

“Poe, I am so, so sorry. I meant to tell you but I --”

Poe crawled over to Finn’s lap and pulled his head into it, wrapping his arms and his knees around Finn. He turned his face into Finn’s stomach and a new wave of grief hit him, pulling him under and he thought about how life was going to change, how pretty much everything was going to change in the months ahead. He didn’t want anything to change. He wanted this flirty, lovely, heartbreakingly earnest and real thing with Finn to go on and on forever. He wanted Rey and Rose to always be there, telling them how to live their lives and bossing them around. He wanted Chewie and the Millennium Falcon and everything. Just as it is.

But it can’t be. People are going to die, as they always have, as they always will, they’ll leave him, Finn will leave, Leia certainly will, and then one day it will be Poe’s turn. Poe has long been certain that he’s going to die in a cockpit, just like half the people he's ever known.

He must have said some of these things, because he slowly realized that the wave was passing and his breathing was slowing -- and Finn was holding him tight and rocking him, quietly smoothing his hair. 

Poe extracted himself gently from Finn, stood up, and walked to the sink. He blew his nose, splashed clean, cold water onto his face, then got undressed. When he was down to his shorts and sleeveless undershirt, he got under the covers, kicking his bag off the bed.

“Get in.” It was more of a statement than a demand. He still hadn’t really looked at Finn, and he knew if he did he would just lose it again. He was ok at this very moment; the ocean inside him was calm. Finn hesitated and then took off his clothes down to his undergarments and crawled under the covers, lying on his back.

Poe turned on his side and wrapped his arm and leg around Finn, pulling him in as close as he could. This was how they woke up this morning, he thought idly as he sighed into Finn. That was nice. That was before this day, when they were surrounded by a sunny, warm bubble that he could have stayed in forever and ever.

Finn’s hands came up and he rubbed Poe’s back, stroked his fingers through his hair, squeezed his arms and shoulders. He kissed Poe on the head in between two strokes. Poe’s eyes closed and he hiccupped one last time. 

“I’m here,” Finn said quietly and kissed him on the head again. “I’ll always be here.”


	9. Finn is pretty sure Poe is trying to kill him, Pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn had never felt more at home than while holding Poe Dameron as he fell asleep.

Finn wished he could explain this feeling inside him. He felt like he was floating on a sea of gold, heavy and light at the same time. His lips tingled and his eyes stung. His chest was going to burst. His skin and bones were molten. The immensity of how he felt couldn’t possibly be contained inside one person -- it almost hurt, like something inside him was going to burn him up. Finn tried to breathe through it quietly so he wouldn’t wake the precious man sleeping in his arms, but the feeling consumed him.

Because Finn had never felt more at home than while holding Poe Dameron as he fell asleep, and even though his heart was breaking for the depth and breadth of Poe’s struggle, he was so overwhelmingly relieved that Poe hadn’t shut him out that he wanted to cry. 

When he watched Poe walk away in the mushroom forest, that dead look on his face, Finn thought it was over. He had lost him. He tried to get up and follow, but Rose wouldn’t let him. Once Poe was out of sight, he covered his face with his hands and tears of frustration spilled down his cheeks. He was still reeling from the vision, his ears were ringing and his legs were shaking, but slowly he started to catch some of the things that Simi was saying.

He'll be ok. Leia had actually guessed this might be the case, and she had asked them to bring him along to the mushroom forest to see if it awoke something inside him. Yes, the vision was scary, but that was not unusual the first time a force-sensitive person was in a powerful place. It would get better. It would get easier. It was a lesson, and Leia would help him learn from it. Now that they knew for sure he was force-sensitive, Leia would guide him, like she was guiding her new student Rey. 

“Take me back,” Finn managed to croak as he pushed them out of the way. They helped him up, and once he had caught his breath, they walked back to the tauntauns. The entire bumpy ride home, all he could think about was that he will do whatever it takes to remove that look of terror that Poe had on his face when he looked at Finn. He never, ever wanted to see that look again, and it was why he had never told Poe.

Because he knew what Kylo Ren had done to him, and if Finn ever got a chance to kill that motherfucker, he was going to take it.

\--~--~--

Someone knocked tentatively on the door, and Finn’s thoughts were pulled back into the room, into the present, next to Poe. He took a breath and quietly said to come in. The door opened and Rose’s face appeared. She saw the two of them in bed and her eyes widened in surprise, but Finn held his finger to his lips and motioned for her to come in.

She very quietly closed the door and tiptoed over to them. She bent down, her hands on her knees, and looked at Poe’s sleeping face. 

“He looks so peaceful,” she whispered and tilted her head. “Not at all like an asshole.”

Poe grunted on Finn’s shoulder but didn’t otherwise move. Finn couldn’t help the warm smile on his face. He felt like he was holding a newborn baby. A cranky, 30-something, precious newborn baby.

Ok, maybe he really was losing his mind.

“Are we staying here tonight?” she asked quietly.

“Yes.” Finn wasn’t going to even ask Poe his opinion. This was not negotiable. Rose nodded like she had expected it.

“Affred said dinner will be ready in about an hour. You should come in and eat.”

Finn nodded once, and Rose brought her lips right next to his ear and whispered, “You ok?”

She leaned back to look at him, and he knew what she saw. He was glowing. Overflowing. Besotted. Absolutely smitten. She just shook her head and stroked his cheek, but she looked happy for him. Maybe for both of them. She tiptoed back to the door and backed out quietly.

“Did she just call me an asshole?” Poe mumbled.

“Shhhh, go back to sleep.”

Poe stretched his legs and groaned.

“I feel like I’ve been thrown from a tauntaun,” he sighed into Finn’s chest.

“Mmmm.” Finn smiled into his hair.

“And like I punched a fence.”

“Mmm hmm.”

“And cried myself to sleep.”

Finn just pulled him closer. “It’s been a rough day.”

They lay there in the quiet room, listening to the wind blow outside. The storm had finally arrived and rain began to fall, tatta tittatta tit, on the metal roof. Finn leisurely ran his fingers along Poe’s arm. He never knew that he loved the sound of rain.

“I’m sorry I left the forest without you,” Poe said quietly. Finn pulled his head back to get a better look, but Poe kept his eyes closed and Finn worried he was falling back into whatever hole he had momentarily crawled out of. He couldn’t have that.

“You have absolutely nothing to apologize for,” Finn said quietly and pulled him close again, wrapping both his arms around him and resting his lips on Poe’s forehead. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I didn’t really know what was happening to me and I was scared. I was terrified to tell you. Poe, you must know that I would never, ever hurt you. No matter what happened.”

Poe was silent for a while, but then he took a deep breath and as he let it out, he squeezed Finn back. “I know. I know you wouldn’t.”

Finn rubbed his lips across Poe’s forehead and Poe hummed. 

“You know you’re my favorite human being, right?” Poe hooked his hand over Finn’s shoulder.

“What if we included droids?”

He could feel Poe smiling into his shoulder. “Don’t push your luck.”

It’s one of the many, many things that Finn loved about Poe. The constant dance on this emotional current, sailing between playful and sad and sexy with a tilt of the lip. He began to run his fingers along Poe’s arm again, and Poe mirrored the movement by dropping his hand along Finn’s bicep and then back up to his shoulder. Then he began to squeeze -- his shoulder, his bicep, his chest. 

Poe put his head up, squinting at Finn’s chest.

“Fuck, you’re huge. Have you always been this … bulging, with the muscles and…” he closed his eyes, plopped his head down on Finn’s shoulder again and began to run his hand back and forth on Finn’s chest “... and the muscles….”

Poe’s hands were intoxicating. Finn could barely keep from grabbing one and biting it.

“I haven’t had a whole lot to do in the last couple of months.” He dragged his fingernail along Poe’s arm and Poe shivered. “Maybe if you’d been around more, we could have worked out together.”

“Busy,” he said lazily. “Very, very busy.”

“Mmm hmm. It's not because you've been avoiding me?"

He was starting to have a very hard time concentrating. Even though he was wearing an undershirt, he could feel every place Poe's hand went like it was trailing fire. Poe made a claw with his hand, scraping his fingernails into his shirt, digging a little into his skin, and a fingertip caught Finn's nipple. His heart started to race so fast he could barely keep up. 

But then Poe groaned and pushed back. He looked Finn in the eyes.

“Are we going to have sex?”

Finn nearly choked on his own tongue. That was …. “You mean... like, right now?”

Poe’s eyes seemed to darken and his jaw relaxed. “I mean, maybe right now, I wouldn’t object to right now --” and then he winced like he was scolding himself. “No, sorry. I mean in general. Is that what you want? To have sex with me?”

Finn’s brain stuttered to a stop. He blinked several times, trying to get it working again. Uh… sex? Ok, if he’s listening to the very clear message his body is trying to send, there’s really no doubt in his mind that he wants to have sex with Poe Dameron.

The only problem is that he really doesn’t know what that means. He’s got the basic mechanics but he’d never really….

“Uh. I’m pretty sure the answer is yes?”

Poe squinted at him. “Have you ever had sex before?”

“Uh. No.”

Poe let out a huff and scooted back -- the wrong direction, dammit -- and rested his head in his hand. “Ok, listen.” 

Finn was a little annoyed at this change in position, but he rolled over and propped up his head so they were facing each other. “Fine. Listening.”

“This is not normally how I would do this. Normally in a situation like this I would have your clothes off in under a minute and have you coming within five.” Finn gasped and Poe leaned in. “The first time,” he said with heavy meaning and then leaned back. “But Rose tells me I need to be clear with you so here it is.”

He took a deep breath.

“I am very much interested in having sex with you, in whatever capacity that entails. I would do as much or as little as you wanted to. I’m all in. But if we don’t, then that’s ok too. I mean --” He breathed out heavily, his cheeks going out a little “-- I’ll be honest, I’m going to have to rearrange some things in my head and we’re going to have to stop spending quite so much time --” He looked at Finn’s chest and took another deep breath. “-- and I’m really not going to be able to sleep in the same bed with you, that’s for fucking sure. Because --”

He fixed Finn with burning eyes and Finn swallowed. “I’m really into this, whatever is going on here, and if we keep sleeping together, this--” he points back and forth between them“-- is gonna get real heavy, real quick, and I can’t have that be a mistake.”

Poe was mesmerizing. It was all Finn could do to listen to the words and not just watch Poe being Poe: cocky, confident, playful, sexy as all fuck with his dark, heavy-lidded eyes. But then he got to the end and suddenly Poe’s face became serious and he was holding his breath. 

It was fear. There was fear in his eyes again and Finn blinked. He hadn’t expected it -- but maybe he should have, with everything that had happened that day. Poe’s mouth was tight and his eyebrows drawn, and it dawned on him where that fear was coming from.

Poe was afraid that Finn would leave him. That they would have sex and Finn would regret it and leave. This had to stop.

“Ok, no. I’ve never had sex before and no, I’ve never even really kissed anyone. I don’t know what I’m doing, Poe. Like, with anything. Ever. Sometimes I’m afraid to eat breakfast in the morning because I’ve never seen that particular stuff before, but I do it anyway because that’s what people do. So I never know what I’m doing. But do I want to have sex with you? Fuck, yes, I’m sure that I do, but I don’t know what that means.”

And then he looked at Poe’s mouth and his heart rate went up. “But I do know that I want to kiss you again, and I don’t want to just be your friend. And I definitely want to sleep with you.”

Poe released his lungs, his breathing labored. Then slowly his face broke into the most glorious, beautiful smile Finn had ever seen. “Ok then,” he said and nodded. “I can work with that.” Poe reached up, wrapped his hand around Finn’s neck and pulled him into a kiss.

This kiss was very different from the one earlier in the day, which now seemed like ages ago. Poe kissed him slowly, pressing against him with a smiling mouth that softened as they stayed in the kiss. It was sweet and gentle and it made Finn’s head swim as he was swept up in the current. Finn pressed into Poe, not just his lips but his whole body, wrapping his arms around Poe’s neck and pushing his fingers into his hair. He closed his hands, pulling Poe's hair slightly, and Poe gasped into Finn’s mouth. 

Suddenly everything became much more urgent.

Poe groaned as he deepened the kiss, slipping his tongue between Finn’s lips, and Finn involuntarily thrust his hips forward, making the growing ache in his groin both worse and better at the same time. He had no idea what he was doing, but it seemed like his body was taking over anyway, because suddenly he was on top of Poe, grinding down on him as he shoved his tongue into Poe’s mouth.

Poe pushed against his chest and he broke the kiss.

“Woah, whoa,” Poe said and then dropped his head back, trying to catch his breath. “Hold on, big guy.”

“Do you want me to stop?” Finn asked as he slowly angled his hips and pushed up again. He was done stalling. Poe closed his eyes.

“Oh my gods, you’re going to be a handful, aren’t you,” he groaned, almost to himself. But then he opened his eyes again, grabbed Finn by the head, and clenched his teeth. He very slowly and deliberately thrust his hips against Finn.

Yeah, ok, maybe Poe was into this.

“I don’t want you to stop,” he said with another slow, agonizing thrust. His voice was low and rough. “I never want you to stop. I will go as far as you want. But Finn …” 

His eyes became brighter, like he was glowing inside, and it was captivating. That molten feeling spilled over inside Finn again. But then Poe slowly smiled and got that devious look on his face like when he was about to disobey orders and do something dangerous, and Finn suddenly realized for the first time that he might be in deep, deep trouble.

“... there’s no rush.” Poe slowly leaned forward, gave him a firm, warm, promising kiss, and got out of bed.

Finn was back to thinking that Poe Dameron was trying to kill him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing is hard, y’all. These boys are keeping me up at night. The irony is not lost on me.
> 
> Rating is about to go up. As they say in D&D, to be forewarned is to be four armed.


	10. Poe thinks he's in charge of this seduction

It has been a very long time since Poe seduced anyone.

Back in the day (oh, those lovely days), he would drop into a grimy port town or get stationed at some forest outpost or meet with a contact on one of the billion desert planets (it just felt like there were a billion, there weren’t literally a billion) -- anyway, he had a lot of opportunity. There was this one girl in a mountain hideout on Ress who was the hottest fucking translator he had ever met. She was very talented with her tongue. And there was this other guy, a burly mechanic from Evoss V, who had been stuck on a space station for two years without any company but this weird lizard/squid looking thing, and he was amazing with his hands. And then there were the twins on Cerbus Cress -- well, those twins. They were telepathic. It was weird as fuck.

It was just so easy. He was probably 16 when he learned it was all about the eye contact. You look at a person like there’s no one else in the universe and you are undressing them with your mind and they are hot and ready to go in about 30 seconds. And he knows what he looks like. He knows about the hair and the dark eyes and the stubble and the swagger. He’s never been one to shy away from his attributes, which are generous. Or so he’s been told.

But this. This thing. This was…. What was this?

If he wasn’t careful, he was going to lose his nerve. He felt rusty, like his Famous Poe Dameron Charm Drive kept slipping. And that was no good because the second thing about seducing someone was confidence, and that… was a problem these days. He just wasn’t in the groove, wasn’t in the right headspace. He had this big bruise in his mind and he kept bumping into it.

It was trauma. Yes, fine. Blah blah blah, Kylo Ren was mean to me and I got a bunch of people killed and Space Mom was dying, blah blah blah. Fine.

Finn was lying on the bed looking debauched. It was his new favorite look on Finn. Because what’s better than Finn in Poe’s clothes? That’s right. Finn with a lot fewer clothes.

“You should get dressed,” Poe said and grabbed his shirt off the floor. He smelled it and realized that tauntauns fucking stank. He threw it back on the floor. “I’m going to take a shower.”

Lesson number three in seduction: Just leave ‘em there. Lying in bed, unsatisfied, watching you as you take off your clothes on the way to the shower. Let them watch you walk away. It’s fucking sexy, is what it is.

Once Poe was in the bathroom and out of sight of Finn, he had to lean against the wall to keep himself upright. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose as his chest contracted and he tried to catch his breath. He turned on the shower and stared at his hand under the stream as it got warmer. He rubbed at his chest. The ache from earlier in the day was still there, throbbing, and it was so fucking frustrating. He just wanted it to stop. He stepped into the water and leaned up against the wall, hanging his head under the shower head. Once the water hit his face, his eyes started to leak. He was so tired of crying. 

Welcome to Poe Dameron, everyone. Hot fucking mess.

He sighed and rubbed his face, turned and put his head back, closing his eyes and letting the water flow down the back of his head. He knew he was in no shape to be seducing anyone, that’s why it had been so long. It just wasn’t that interesting to him any more. Or, not that, exactly, it was --

He opened his eyes suddenly as a hand ran down the side of his hair. Finn was standing there, naked in the shower with him -- which was what he had expected, right? I mean, this is right out of the player’s handbook, this is what you do, you get into the shower and your lover follows. But for whatever reason, he wasn’t expecting it, he wasn’t in the right state of mind --

Poe looked away, a lump in his throat, and he was about to turn around when his eyes caught on Finn’s chest. Specifically, the deep, white-red scar on Finn’s right shoulder. A lightsaber scar. He'd known it was there, of course, he’d seen Finn during those weeks he lay in an induced coma, he’d stapled the jacket back together. But Finn never talked about it, never seemed bothered by it….

Poe reached out and laid his hand gently on Finn’s scar, and Finn dropped his hand from Poe’s hair and stood up straighter, taking a deep breath that made his chest rise and fall.

Poe wasn’t the only damaged person in the room. Sometimes he had a hard time remembering that. He was so absorbed with his own guilt and heartache and internal drama that he wasn’t paying enough attention to everyone else. He wasn’t paying enough attention to Finn.

He looked Finn in the eyes again and moved closer, rubbing the flat of his hand over the scar, and Finn licked his top lip and looked away. It was like he was standing at attention, a soldier waiting to be inspected, and it plucked at Poe’s heart. He slid his hand up to Finn’s face and gently turned his head so they looked at each other again. 

He ran his fingers over Finn’s round cheeks, over his eyelids, his full upper lip. He had wanted to do this a million times over the past several months, as he stole glances during strategy sessions, at meal times, on patrol. Now here Finn was, open, naked, his face serious and slightly wary. 

It was about time to pay Finn some attention.

He grabbed a bottle of soap from the shelf and poured some into his hand. He put his hands on Finn’s chest and began to lather him as he started to talk. He was good at talking, and he needed Finn to relax.

“When I was a kid, we didn’t have a lot of luxuries, but one thing we did have was a great tub,” he said lightly as he slowly ran his hands over Finn’s chest and shoulders. “I was kind of a scrawny kid, and it seemed like I was always cold, so one of the things I really loved to do was to take long, hot baths. My grandfather had suspended this big round metal tub above a fire pit, and he would build a fire under it to heat the water. If you touched the bottom, you’d burn your foot.”

He rubbed the soap down Finn’s arms and over his chest, down his belly. He ran his hands through the dark hair in his groin, and Finn took in a sudden breath as Poe took one soapy pull on his half-erect cock and soaped his balls. He squatted and moved down Finn’s legs.

“When I was six, I was hunting a pack of stintaril with a slingshot, because, you know, I wasn’t really the brightest kid and my parents were on a different planet most of the time, so I was getting into a lot of scrapes.” He washed Finn’s feet and then stood up, dragging his hands up the outside of his legs. Poe grabbed Finn’s hands and pulled them above his head and leaned him back against the shower wall. He only allowed himself half a second to admire the rock-solid sex god in front of him -- he’ll save that image for later -- before he continued. “The stintaril turned on me, of course, and I got bit.” He held up his right arm, and on his tricep were two long, old scars. He just shrugged and continued to soap Finn’s armpits and arms. “But my grandmother just laughed when she saw me all bloody and said ‘fresh meat!’ She used to laugh this big, cackling evil-woman laugh when she was trying to be funny. It was so great. Anyway, she put me into the tub and took a big paddle and stirred it like it was her cauldron. She called it ‘Poey Stew.’”

He stood back and then made a twirling motion for Finn to turn around. Finn swallowed but obeyed, turning around and putting his hands against the wall.

Poe thought he was prepared, but he really wasn’t. A long ragged scar stretched from Finn’s left hip to his right shoulder -- a white rip in his dark skin. Poe squeezed his eyes shut in frustration. He really, really wanted to punch something again. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this stupid story,” he said, his voice sounding strangled in his own ears.

“Keep talking,” Finn said, his head down, the tone so exposed and raw that it sounded like a plea. Poe rested his forehead on Finn's back for a few breaths, then gave him a soft, gentle kiss on the scar, just where it ended on his shoulder. He leaned back and poured himself some more soap.

“Anyway. My grandmother and grandfather took me in when my parents left for the Alliance, and at that time I knew my grandmother better than my mother.” Poe washed Finn’s back, oh-so-gently running his fingers over and around the scar, feeling the raised skin, getting to know it. He wanted to know this skin, wanted to know where it was sensitive and where it was ticklish and where it was rough. He wanted to memorize every mole and scar, every dip and contour. Finn had dimples above his ass, and Poe kissed them both as he knelt down to wash his legs. 

“My grandmother was tough. She didn’t care what anyone thought about her. She was intensely proud of my mom for doing what she did, for being a pilot with the rebels, fighting against Darth Vader and the Empire. Mom spent a lot of time serving with Luke and Leia, and Han Solo, and my grandmother would tell me so many stories. I found out years later that most of them were made up, of course.”

As he stood, Poe ran his hands up the inside of Finn’s legs and slid his fingers between Finn’s butt cheeks. Finn took a startled breath as Poe’s fingers ran firmly up along the crack and then all the way up his back, along his arms and to his hands. Poe wove his fingers into Finn’s and leaned into him, his half-hard cock pressing against Finn’s ass. He dragged his rough chin from one shoulder to the other and Finn moaned.

The hormones of lust are designed to short circuit critical thinking, and Poe almost lost the fight then and there. He almost ran his hands down Finn’s body and pushed against him, slipping in the soap as he wrapped his hand around Finn’s cock.

But he didn’t. Instead he pulled Finn’s hands away from the wall and gently maneuvered him under the water, turning him around slowly so he could wash the soap away. He cleared his throat and continued with his story. He knew where he was going now.

“My mom and dad finally came back home about a week later and I went to live with them. They were a couple of strangers who were more myth than real, but my mom taught me to fly, so I’ll always have that.”

When Finn was rinsed, Poe pulled him out of the water. Without looking away from Finn’s face, from his full lips, from the water beading in his hair like jewels, Poe grabbed the ring that he wore on a chain around his neck. Suddenly there were tears in his eyes and he had to swallow the lump down before he could continue. “This was her ring.” His voice broke on the last word. “She died two years later.”

Finn’s eyes lost most of the haze of lust that was lingering there and they sharped on Poe. He blinked as if coming out of a dream and then reached up and slipped the ring onto his pinky finger so he could hold it up, the bright silver in contrast to his skin. He admired it, turning it around on his finger. “It’s a lovely ring.”

Poe couldn’t have believed two days ago that this was happening. Could ever happen. That Finn would be naked and half erect, in a shower with him, with Poe’s ring on his pinky finger. Serendipity just followed him around sometimes.

“I always thought I would give it to the right person.”

Finn’s face softened and opened into a look that took Poe’s breath away. He had seen that look on other people’s faces, many times. He’d seen it on his parents. On his friends. On strangers. But he had never seen it directed at him. 

Finn grabbed Poe’s hand and held it between their chests, with the ring still around his little finger. “Maybe someday I can earn it then,” Finn said softly and leaned in to kiss him -- and Poe was instantly close to tears.

Poe Dameron had been around. He’d been in more kisses than he cared to admit. He had a reputation and it was well earned. But he had never been kissed like this. This was what it felt like to be kissed by someone who was in love with you, and it was the most sensual thing he’d ever experienced. It was like they were part of something much larger than themselves, something that was growing outward and pushing in at alarmingly fast speeds, and it hurt and felt enormous and was glorious. He had never known a kiss could be as soft and exquisite and full of meaning as this.

Finn gently pulled back to catch his breath, but he kept his eyes closed as he pressed their foreheads together.

“How are you even possible?” Finn gave a soft laugh and rubbed his forehead against Poe. “You drive me crazy and make me want to cry and make me want to laugh and how can someone be so full of themselves and such a --” he let out a breath and pulled back to look at Poe, still holding their hands together “-- such a lovely man. Lovely and vulnerable and how is it that I met you?” Finn looked suddenly like he was having difficulty speaking. “Because if the force didn’t bring me to you, then how is it possible that I would end up with the most amazing man in the universe?”

“I’m not--” he started to shake his head, but Finn didn’t let him finish.

“I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear you deny what I see in you, what I feel for you. I want you to listen to what I am telling you and take it as truth, deep in here.” He splayed his fingers on Poe’s chest, the ring pressing into his skin. “I love you, Poe Dameron, and someday I want to be good enough to earn that ring.”

Although his eyes were moist and warm, they also had a hard edge to them, something deep and determined and full of need. Finn pulled Poe forward and gave him one more wet, soft, effortless kiss and then pulled away. "Thanks for the shower," he said, his eyes sparkling. His lips twitched and he stepped out of the shower, grabbed a towel and left the bathroom.

And Poe thought he was in charge of this seduction.


	11. Finn watches the symphony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn watches Poe move through the world.

They were having a very difficult time making it out of the cabin. Finn felt like he was drunk again, kind of flittery and jittery and his muscles weren’t working right. He felt rubbery, like he could just flop down in a corner and sink into the floor, boneless and loose. But then he’d get these little jolts of nervous and excited energy just below his sternum, like when Poe came out of the bathroom wearing only a towel around his waist or when Poe touched him on the hip as he was rummaging through his bag or when Poe bit him on his left cheek for absolutely no reason at all.

Is this what it’s like to be in love? Because if so, it’s the strangest experience. It’s kind of exhausting. And exhilarating. And makes it impossible to think clearly. How do people function like this? No wonder the First Order didn’t let people get together.

“So are you going to put on a shirt or are you just going to stand there and watch me get dressed?” Poe had managed to get some pants on, but his belt was unbuckled and Finn’s head was tilted slightly to the side. He was staring at Poe’s crotch and noticing -- not for the first time, if he’s being honest -- that Poe’s penis tended towards the right. He blinked and stood up straighter. 

“Well if you would buckle up your pants and put a shirt on yourself, it would make this whole thing a lot easier,” Finn retorted.

Poe slowly walked up to him and pushed him backwards until his knees hit the bed and he fell onto his back. Poe brought one leg up then another and straddled him, pushing his hands onto Finn’s bare chest. “I’m sorry, what were you saying?” he said absentmindedly as he leaned forward and kissed his right pec.

“What is it with you and your obsession with my chest?” Finn asked as Poe kissed a line from one side to the other.

“Have you seen you?” he said and sat up. “I mean, it’s uh… It’s, um…. You look strong.”

If Finn didn’t know better, he would think that Poe was blushing, except Poe never blushes. Finn got a half-smile on his face. “You’ve got a thing for this, don’t you?” And he flexed both his arms.

Poe’s mouth actually dropped open, but he quickly closed it. “I might have a thing for this.” He shivered.

“Well, it’s not helping me get dressed.”

“This is true. And I have to say -- thank the force.”

“And I’m staaaarving.” To punctuate his point his stomach growled for good measure.

Poe swallowed and sighed and got off of him. “Gotta feed the beast, then.” He pulled him up and they were standing face to face, bare chest to bare chest. Poe hummed a little as he looked down at Finn’s shoulders and arms and then back up into Finn’s eyes. He heaved another huge sigh. “Yeah, you need to stay strong I love the way you look at me.”

That last part came out in a quiet whoosh, like he hadn’t meant to say it and it just escaped from his lips. Poe’s eyes widened a little but then he closed them and leaned his face against Finn’s. “I do. I love the way you look at me. Like I can do anything.” He said quietly and then rubbed his face kind of roughly against Finn as he pulled back. “Right. Food. Clothes,” and he went back to pulling every single thing out of his bag. 

Well, he’s not sure what his face looks like, but Finn can certify that watching Poe Dameron move through the world is like listening to the most beautiful music made by human kind.

\--~--~--

By the time they finally got out the door, the storm was raging. Rain fell in heavy sheets, and the sky crackled and crashed with bright purple lightning. They were running towards the courtyard when the sky lit up, bright violet forks of light moving from one side of the sky to the other. Finn’s breath caught and he stopped in the middle of the courtyard, awed by the lights in the sky, when he was suddenly enveloped in a kiss. 

Poe was pushing Finn backwards and their mouths opened hot and urgent to one another. Poe had one hand on Finn’s neck and his other on his ass as he pushed him against a fence, sliding their bodies together. The rain was completely drenching them, cool cloth against their hot skin, and Finn grabbed Poe, picking him up slightly as he pushed them away from the fence. Poe gasped into the kiss. A few moments later their lips parted as they panted for breath.

Poe pushed himself out of Finn’s arms and put his hands outstretched to the sky. He put his head back and smiled into the rain, his hair falling away from his face, and he laughed like a kid caught in a summer storm. His face lit up in purple light as lightning struck again, and Poe grabbed Finn's hand and laughed as they ran the rest of the way to the house.

They opened the door and found the house in chaos. Loud noises seemed to be coming from every room. Some sort of horrible grinding sound was coming from the kitchen and Chewbacca was howling in the living room. BB-8 rolled up beeping frantically and spinning like a rocket, and he began running circles around Poe, followed by a small ball droid that looked like it could be BB-8’s baby.

Poe was laughing as he knelt down and tried to stop BB-8. “Hey slow down, now what’s going on?”

BB-8 beeped and twittered and Finn’s binary was still not very good, so all he caught was “Chewbacca” and “all over the place.”

“He did what?” Poe said and then stood and followed BB-8 into the living room. He turned to look at Finn just as he disappeared around the corner, his eyes bright and warm and promising. Simi walked up to Finn with a towel, and Finn tried to focus as she spoke.

“How are you doing?” she said, looking at him with concern. Finn toweled himself off.

“Yeah, I’m ok, thanks.”

“You and Poe ok?”

Finn ducked his head as he wiped the back of his neck and looked at his feet. He wasn’t sure if he would describe him and Poe as “ok,” exactly. That seemed a totally insufficient word. “Yeah, we’re good.” He looked back at Simi and she was smiling at him, her face calm and knowing. 

“I’m glad,” she said and patted him on the shoulder. “Rose was asking for your help in the kitchen, if you can spare a hand. We’re trying to get dinner out, but -- well, we’re kind of a mess.”

He was rubbing the towel on his head as he followed Simi into the kitchen, where he found Rose’s legs sticking out from under a counter. He walked over to her and ducked his head down.

“What are you doing down there?”

“Oh good. Can you hand me that power calibrator?” she said, pointing to a tool box. 

“This thing?”

“No, not that one. No, not that. Not that -- Finn, look where I’m pointing! Thank you.”

He handed her the tool and laid down next to her to see what she was doing. A mass of wires, tubes and motors were under the counter above her head, and she was turning a bolt with one hand and putting the power calibrator thingy up to a bunch of wires. It looked like a complete mess to him.

“Put your hand here,” she said and grabbed his hand, making him hold a motor in place. “How is it that you hang out with all these mechanics and you still don’t know what any of these tools are?” she said as she grunted with the wrench.

“I’ve been doing other things,” he said. “I’ve learned Wookiespeak and how to navigate with star charts and I’ve been busy.”

She turned her head and wiggled her eyebrows at him. “I bet you have,” she said with a smile. “So how is that going, anyway? Getting busy?”

“What?”

“You know.” She grinned at him.

“ _What?_ ”

She gave an exasperated huff and rolled her eyes. “Have. You. And. Poe. Had. Sex. Yet?”

“What? No! I mean, I don’t think so.”

“You don’t _think_ so?”

“And it’s none of your business anyway.”

“Fine, don’t tell me,” she said and returned to struggling with the wrench. 

Finn got a smile on his face and leaned in closer to her ear. “But we did just take a shower together.”

Rose dropped her arms beside her body and lay there, staring into a middle distance for several seconds. “That … is an image that is going to be burned into my mind forever,” she said, her voice sounding far away.

Finn sighed and stared up at the wires with her. “Yeah. Me too.”

“How’s it going?” Affred said as he ducked his head in, and they both jumped. Rose took one more twist of the bolt and gave him a thumbs up. “Go ahead and try it again.”

Affred flipped a switch and a horrible, loud grinding sound rattled the mechanical contraption above her until Rose yelled at him to stop. 

They eventually got the thing fixed -- it turned out to be a water purifier that had been broken forever that Rose was eager to get into. “I’ve never rewired an ozone generator before!” as if that meant something to Finn. As Affred and Simi bustled around in the kitchen and finished dinner, Finn wandered into the living room to see what Chewbacca had done. Half of Mon Mothma’s protocol droid was taken apart and had parts all over the room, and Chewbacca and Poe were arguing.

“No, I know BB doesn’t have one, but I’m telling you, I’ve rebuilt several emergency reactivators and that --” he pointed to something green and silver “-- goes in there.” He pointed to the back of the protocol droid’s head. Senator Mothma looked like she had a severe headache, her head in her hand, but the protocol droid just tittered along merrily as if she didn’t have half of her parts spread all over the floor.

“Don’t worry, senator, I’m sure that these gentlemen know what they’re doing. Don’t you, sirs?”

Chewbacca said something about bantha dung and the protocol droid tsked “oh dear oh dear.” BB-8 bumped into Chewie and issued agitated beeps, and Poe pointed his hand at her. “See? Thank you, BB-8. At least someone trusts that I know what I’m doing.”

“Can I help?” Finn offered with a smile, and both Chewbacca and Poe turned to him and snapped “No” in unison then continued arguing. So Finn just sat on the couch and watched the show.

Poe moved around the room with focus and efficiency of purpose. His hands were clever and knew exactly what they were doing, deftly connecting parts together and sorting everything into a system. More than once he and Chewie argued about whether something needed to be replaced or how it could be more efficient, and his deep understanding and broad knowledge of droid mechanics was phenomenal. BB-8 buzzed around and helped sometimes, picking up parts with her little claw and handing it to Poe. Poe was absolutely focused, and even the few times that he looked up at Finn and his face softened and he got a little sideways smile, he always returned back to that intense focus on the puzzle before him.

This was love, Finn thought. Poe loved what he did, and he was so good at it that it seemed that he would surely wither and die without it. Without flying, without puzzles to take apart with his hands, without the resistance. He loved with everything he had, with a devoted focus to the details of his obsession.

He needed it, would die without it, without these things that he loved.

\--~--~--

The atmosphere at the dinner table that night was very different from the night before. It was loud and boisterous, and several conversations were happening at the same time. Finn talked with Simi and Lissa about the forest and Lissa’s first force experience (it was much, much different from Finn’s. Still scary, but also magical and beautiful). Poe was talking with Mon Mothma and Affred, his hands animated, and the protocol droid (which was now mostly put back together except a right foot) was translating a bizarre argument between Chewie and BB-8 about the right way to fly through an asteroid field. 

Poe never stopped using his hands. They were always in motion, and Finn noticed for the first time how often they were employed with taking care of Finn. Poe dished up Finn’s plate for him, tasting things as he went and adding more or less based on what he thought Finn would like. Finn's tastes tended towards sweet and starchy, and Poe automatically got him all the things Finn liked the most. He always refilled Finn’s cup before his own, and when they were done eating, he cleared Finn’s plate. When he sat back down, his right hand fell behind Finn’s back, and he played with the hem of Finn’s shirt while he illustrated conversation points with his left. 

Poe was constantly touching him, and what amazed Finn was less the intensity of the touches but the sheer quantity of them. They were small and could almost be seen as accidents. His knee would bump into him, or he would rest his hand on Finn’s shoulder while he half stood and reached for a roll. Their wrists would brush, their feet, their shoulders, and Finn realized that this wasn’t just a phenomena that was happening on this particular night. This had been happening for months. Maybe since they met. Poe was constantly touching him, and it took until now for Finn to actually realize it.

“You’re quiet,” Rose said from his other side. He smiled at her and she smiled back, her cheeks a little pink.

“I’ve just got a lot to think about, I guess,” he said, and she looked more serious.

“Yeah.” She took a sip of water and set the cup down. “I guess things are going to change for you, aren’t they.” She almost sounded sad about it.

“What do you mean?” 

She looked back into his face. “I suppose you’re going to be spending a lot more time with Leia and Rey. It’s exciting, though. Don’t you feel excited?” Even though she looked happy, it didn’t ring true in her eyes and that didn’t make sense to him.

“I haven’t really thought about it, but I suppose so. Does it… are you worried about me?”

"No!” she said surprised, and then looked around the table. No one was listening, though, everyone in other conversations. “No, I’m not worried. I really am happy for you. I think it’s amazing that you’re force-sensitive, and I’m not really surprised because it’s you, and you’re amazing.” She scrunched her eyes and looked like she was regretting her own thoughts. “I’m just going to miss spending time with you, I guess. And now Rey will be busier too, I’m sure. She’s gone enough already. And if you’re getting together with Poe --” She shrugged.

Finn reached out and pulled Rose into a tight, warm hug. “Aw, you’re such a sweety.” He rocked her back and forth. “I’m still going to hang out with you, even if I spend more time with Rey and Poe. We can all hang out together.”

Rose let out a huge sigh and pulled out of his arms. She wiped away a tear. “Yeah, ok. All four of us together.”

Finn felt like he was still missing something, though, but he couldn’t quite see it. And then a terrible thought occurred to him.

“Wait, you’re not… you’re not mad that me and Poe --”

“Nooooo,” she said again, her eyebrows raised. She squeezed his arm in emphasis. “No, Finn, no. That’s all great. Really really. I’m happy for you about that too. Really.”

“Then…” He looked at her to try to see in her eyes why she seemed upset “...why are you…” He’d never really noticed how her irises had waves and textures in them, like they were mountain ranges or clouds, with shadows and valleys. He felt like the more he looked at her eyes, the more he could see, and when they were dilated like they were, he could see what was hidden in the blackness of her pupil.

He took in a breath and whispered, “You have feelings for Rey.”

Rose’s eyes got bigger and she shook her head slightly. She dropped her eyes and took another drink of water. Finn just pulled her into another loose hug and kissed her hair. 

“It’s ok,” he said quietly. “I won’t tell anyone.”

If Lissa was looking at him oddly from across the table, he decided to ignore it.


	12. Finn and Poe discover the wonders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rating goes up in this chapter. Yesterday was my birthday, so happy birthday to me. :)

Finn was correct. Poe had been touching him for months. 

And while it may not have always been conscious on Poe’s part, it was definitely not an accident, because Poe had been in love with Finn since practically the day they met. 

It happened sometime between when Finn took off his stormtrooper helmet and when he was lying almost dead from a lightsaber injury in his back. It turned from strong attraction to something untethered somewhere in that time range. 

But Poe had only _known_ that he was in love with Finn for about two months. 

It was on the first night they discovered the base at Ajan Kloss. They had spent weeks looking for a base that was safe enough for them to stay awhile and rebuild the resistance. They would identify a possible new site, fly in with the Falcon, scope it out, discover evidence of the First Order, and leave. They did this over and over, and several times they actually found stormtroopers stationed there, at their supposedly-top-secret-alternative bases. Ajan Kloss was the 28th potential base they’d looked at, and it was that far down the list for a reason. The base was old. It went back to the time when it was maybe fourth or fifth on the list for the Rebel Alliance, back when General Organa was still just a princess without a planet.

Ajan Kloss looked like it had been burgled by pirates about five years earlier, but otherwise it had remained untouched for decades -- even by the First Order. Besides that, the other good news was that it actually still worked: it had functioning electricity, running water, and never-goes-bad food stuffs. It was settled then. This was base.

Finn and Poe were on the team that was checking out the sleeping quarters.

“Hey, you and me could hot rack in here,” Finn said and pointed his thumb at the bed. It was a double bed in a room that looked big enough for a couple. Poe opened his mouth to offer his quick retort when two competing sentences seized his throat.

One, does hot racking mean in the First Order what it means in the Resistance, because that would be interesting, and two, are you asking me to move in with you? And he found that he could say neither, because the second thought kind of broke his brain. 

Finn just laughed, made a note on his datapad while he held the flashlight in his mouth, then patted him on the back and moved on to the next room.

Poe stood there for a second, his eyebrows raised, his heart rate elevated, as he looked at the bed and imagined the two of them sleeping there together. And while sure, he frequently imagined having sex with Finn -- after all, Poe is male and Finn is exceptionally attractive -- this was different. The thought of the two of them sharing a bed, sleeping together, living together, spending their nights lying side by side and talking about their innermost thoughts, actually sharing himself with another person -- it froze him in place and wouldn’t let go. The possibility that he could have this with _Finn_ if he wanted to suddenly thrust him into such a state of longing that he had to catch his breath.

In that very moment, like a flash of lightning, he just _knew_. 

“Fuck,” he said and put his hands on his hips. “Gods dammit.”

He spent the next two months trying very, very hard to ignore the fact that he was pretty sure he was totally in love with Finn.

\--~--~--

The rain had stopped and all was quiet.

It was after dinner, and Poe was walking slowly backwards towards their cabins, his boots clicking on the stones as he pulled Finn by the hand. One of the moons had slipped out from between two clouds and it shined in a blue light, casting a sharp contrast onto Poe’s features. He looked eerie and serious, kind of possessed as he dragged Finn behind him, his eyes dark as he watched Finn’s face.

He slowed. He stopped in the courtyard. He drew Finn to himself and kissed him. Chaste, just the tips of their lips, so soft that it was hardly there. 

He drifted backwards again, turning this time so he was leading Finn behind him. Poe squeezed his hand and they seemed to float across the courtyard, dreamlike in the dark, until they reached the steps to Poe’s cabin. Poe climbed two stairs and turned again, and Finn was bewitched.

“You wanna come over?” Poe said quietly, his voice barely above a whisper in the stillness. Finn smiled and stepped onto the bottom step so he was just beneath Poe. He looked up into Poe’s face, watching the way the moonlight refracted brightly through the lens of Poe’s eye.

“Sure.”

Poe smiled. “Ok.” His smile widened as he reached behind him and opened the door. “Good.”

He pulled them through the door and pressed Finn against it as it closed. Poe leaned in and ran his nose along Finn’s chin to his ear then down his neck. Finn put his head back against the door and closed his eyes, concentrating on the feeling of Poe’s nose and lips as they brushed against him. He had never had anyone touch him like this. It was so intimate, having Poe so close and warm, and it felt electric every place Poe touched him. 

Poe put his lips to Finn’s ear. “Can I kiss you?” 

They were so close that Finn could smell his skin, his hair, and he could barely think. “Yes.”

Poe kissed his cheek. He kissed his left eyelid then the right. He kissed his chin and the corner of Finn’s mouth. As their lips finally touched and Poe pressed into him, Finn was transported to another place, outside this room, outside their lives, somewhere where it was just the two of them and the rest of the world had disappeared. He wrapped his arms around Poe’s neck and pulled him into a full-body embrace. The kiss was unhurried and full of intent, a slow exploration of mouths and hands as they learned each other, got to know how they fit together.

Finn broke away from Poe’s mouth and kissed his nose, his forehead and eyes. He kissed his ear and then bit Poe’s earlobe. Poe pressed his body in a little harder, rubbing up against him, and Finn moved down Poe’s neck. When he opened his mouth and ran his teeth along the muscle, Poe’s reaction was intoxicating, his throat vibrating against Finn’s lips as he groaned and pulled Finn by the hips. Finn wanted to hear that sound again so he experimented, moving his mouth down and biting right where Poe’s neck met his shoulder. 

Something about it seemed to ignite something inside Poe, and his whole body became charged with a hard tension. He leaned back and pulled Finn over towards the bed.

“Can I take off your shirt?” he said, his breathing a little faster as he slipped his hand under the hem of Finn’s shirt and dragged his fingers across his belly.

“Are you going to ask me every time you want to do something?” Finn asked, feeling drunk as he as pressed his lips to Poe’s ear.

“I might.” Poe’s eyes were closed and his voice low.

“You can take off my shirt, and your shirt, and our pants and our boots and all of our clothes, yes.”

Poe’s shirt was immediately off and on the floor. He took off Finn’s shirt and dropped it, then pushed him back onto the bed. He straddled him like he had earlier in the evening and began kissing his chest.

“This is familiar,” Finn said with a smile, and Poe ran his hands up Finn’s body to his face and leaned in close, pausing in his kisses to look Finn in the eye. 

“I want this to be familiar,” he said and then kissed his mouth. “I want to know what you feel like.” He kissed down his neck and then licked, hot and wet. “What you taste like.” He continued to kiss down Finn's chest, moving down Finn’s body as he kissed his belly. “What you sound like.” 

Then he positioned himself between Finn's legs and rubbed his face against Finn’s cock where it strained against his pants, and a moan escaped from deep in Finn’s chest. Poe smiled and ran his lips and cheeks back and forth along Finn’s length until he was aching with need. Finn put his hands into Poe’s hair and had the urge to press his hips up to get more pressure, more everything.

Poe made his own guttural sound and put his head up.

“Can I --”

“Yes, for fuck’s sake, Poe, whatever it is, _yes_.”

Poe smiled again -- “all right then” -- and unbuckled Finn’s belt and opened his pants. But he still was painfully slow as he continued to mouth Finn through his shorts. Finn’s underwear was damp near the tip and Poe stuck the tip of his tongue out and tasted it. 

Finn was beginning to breath rapidly and he put his head back to try to catch his breath. Poe’s hand ran up his chest and he spread his fingers over Finn’s heart. But then Finn felt something wet and hot on his cock and he gasped. Poe had pulled Finn’s underwear down and had his mouth wrapped around the tip of Finn’s penis. Finn’s mind seized. 

He didn’t know something could feel this painfully exquisite. Every inch of his skin felt like it was on fire, ignited and sensitive to every touch, every puff of breath. His toes curled as he bent his knees and pushed his hips up, wanting more, wanting to feel more of Poe’s slippery mouth, and his hands curled in the sheets. His chest was burning and he was starting to see white around the edges of his vision.

“Hey.” Poe had stopped and was suddenly leaning over his face, kissing his lips. “Hey, slow down. Just breath.” He kissed Finn again but Finn pulled back.

“No,” he managed and pulled Poe’s full body against him, grinding his wet cock against Poe’s stomach. “I don’t want to slow down. I’ve spent my whole life waiting for things to happen to me and I don’t want to wait any more. I want you, I want all of you, and please don’t stop whatever it is you’re doing, please….” He moaned and bit his lip, closing his eyes and rubbing himself up into Poe’s belly and feeling himself slide, hard and wet, along Poe’s skin.

Poe had his pants unbuckled and his cock out in three seconds. He licked his hand and thrust it between them, grabbing both their cocks together and giving one firm pull. Poe began to stroke them, kissing Finn's face over and over, his eyes, his cheeks, his neck, then back to his mouth for deep, hard, wet kisses. Finn ran his hands over Poe’s back, grabbing wherever he could reach, finally coming to rest on Poe’s bare ass. He squeezed Poe hard, pulling him in and making Poe’s hips thrust forward, and suddenly it was becoming too much. Finn felt tears in his eyes as he moaned loudly, thrusting his own hips once, twice, and he came hard and fast in Poe’s hands, gasping for air with Poe’s mouth on his.

He was seeing stars and breathing hard, riding the high of experiencing an orgasm with another person for the first time, with _Poe_ , when he eventually came back into himself. Poe was kissing his eyes again, kissing the tears that had slipped down his cheeks, Poe's erection still pressing into Finn’s hip. Finn reached down between them and wrapped his fingers around Poe, and Poe stopped kissing him and pressed their foreheads together. He put his hand over Finn’s and they slowly began to slide their hands up and down Poe’s cock.

“I want to see you,” Finn whispered when he could talk again, and Poe took in a breath. His face was so serious, so focused and intense, and he got off Finn and finished taking off his pants and his boots. He took off the rest of Finn’s clothes as well and then got back on top of Finn, straddling Finn’s hips. Poe grabbed Finn’s hand again and wrapped it around Poe's cock.

There wasn’t a lot of pornography in the First Order, but a few things had managed to get passed around over the years -- holovids would get smuggled in or magazines that someone grabbed on a planetary raid. But Finn had never seen anything as erotic as Poe Dameron sitting on his lap, his head back, their hands together as they stroked him to orgasm.

Except Finn wanted to see his eyes.

“Look at me.” 

Poe hesitated, and when he tipped his head forward and looked at Finn, his expression was so raw and untamed that he seemed lost. Something seemed to trigger inside him as he looked at Finn, and Poe quickly began to lose the rhythm, his other hand coming down beside Finn’s head to steady himself. He looked in Finn’s eyes and pumped their hands one more time then came onto Finn’s stomach, a sob escaping his throat.

Poe collapsed on top of him, his head in his hand as he moaned through the orgasm. It seemed like he was having a hard time breathing, and he wrapped his arms around Finn’s shoulders and buried his face into Finn’s neck. Finn embraced him and kissed his hair over and over.

Until Poe issued another sob and Finn realized his neck was wet.

“Hey.” He tried to push Poe back and look at him, but Poe was having a hard time meeting his eyes.

“Hey, look at me.” He rolled them over so Poe was on his back and Finn could see his face. Poe had his hand up and was rubbing his eyes. It took a couple of seconds before Poe spoke.

“I told myself this would never happen,” he whispered and swallowed thickly.

“What? Why?" Finn said quietly and pulled Poe's hand away from his face. "Why would you do that?”

“Because I have been in love with you since we met, Finn,” he said and finally opened his red eyes and looked at him. “And I don’t --” His throat seemed to close and Poe struggled to get the words out. “I don’t know how to do this.”

Finn just stared at him. “What is wrong with you?”

Poe sighed. “You keep asking me that.”

“Ok, you don't know how to do this?" He propped himself up and looked into Poe's eyes. "How about we keep doing that. What we just did. That was good.”

He began to laugh. The mirth just bubbled up from deep in his belly, the delight of how much he loved this absurd man and the relief to finally be here in his arms. He reached for Poe’s face, stroking his cheek. “Poe, I have never done anything like this in my entire life. Any of this. And you get one little thing that you’ve never done before and it freaks you out?”

Poe was starting to look annoyed -- which was an improvement, as far as Finn was concerned -- and it just made Finn laugh again. He kissed him on the nose.

“Well, I’m glad to know that you find my internal angst funny,” Poe said, but it was light. Poe’s face softened and he just looked at Finn for a few moments. “So no response to me telling you that I’m in love with you?”

“Of course you’re in love with me,” Finn said and pressed another kiss onto his cranky mouth. “It’s me, after all.”

He laughed again and Poe kissed him just to shut him up. Then, true to his word, he went about making Finn come a second time.


	13. Finn and Poe listen for ghosts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes back at the base, Finn was convinced his room was haunted. He would lie in bed, listening for sounds. Listening for ghosts.

Sometimes back at the base, Finn was convinced his room was haunted. He would wake in the middle of the night to a sudden sound -- sometimes soft like a whisper, sometimes a loud thud -- but whatever scuttling creature had made the sound had disappeared. He would walk around his quarters, looking in corners and cupboards, convinced he had a rat in there somewhere, but he never found anything. He could never sleep after that, and he would lie in bed, listening for sounds. 

Listening for ghosts.

Lying awake in the dark had never been a good thing for Finn, and at the base on Ajan Kloss, the late-night darkness was the worst. The silence was oppressive. It was never quiet in the First Order because he was never alone, but at the creaky old rebel base he felt isolated and vulnerable, like there was too much space between him and the next living person. What if something dangerous, like a wild creature from the alien forest, came down his hall and no one was around to help? What if he yelled and no one could hear him? Would he die alone, on this strange planet in the middle of nowhere? Why was he out here with these people, anyway?

Thoughts like these would finally drive him from his bed and he would get up and turn on all the lights. He would sit on the couch, a blanket pulled around him, and watch the clock. He had figured out there was a socially acceptable time when he could get dressed and go out into the common areas. If he could make it until dawn, he could go work out in the gym or see if Rey was in the mess hall. She often got up early too. Sometimes he tried to give her space, though, because he knew she liked the quiet emptiness of the base in the very early mornings. They were the opposite in that way: She missed the quiet of solitary life; he missed the closeness of the barracks.

What he really wanted to do on these bad nights was go talk to Poe, because he always imagined Poe would laugh in his easy way and grab his shoulder and make him feel like there was nothing to worry about. Poe had a vibrating energy that seemed to chase all the shadows away. But Poe also seemed to be getting more and more troubled himself the longer they were cooped up with nothing to do. He was often on edge, all that vibrating energy tightly strung like a wire that was ready to snap. He paced a lot and took apart everything he could get his hands on. Something about Poe’s taut energy made Finn’s chest hurt a little, and he didn’t know what to do about it. He tried to talk with him about it once, asking him what was wrong, but Poe just shook his head and said he was fine. Which was clearly not true. So Finn decided Poe had enough on his mind already and it would be best not to look for him on these nights when he couldn’t sleep. Once the sun came up, Finn would usually forget that his room was haunted anyway. 

Except one morning, about a month into living at Ajan Kloss, the thought occurred to him that maybe he was the ghost, wandering the halls of the base like a phantom, disconnected and insubstantial. Something unseen. Forever alone and unknowable. After that, he couldn’t shake that thought from his head.

Maybe Finn was the ghost.

\--~--~--

Finn woke with a start. For a moment he forgot where he was, until he turned his head and saw Poe sleeping next to him. Poe was on his side with his back to Finn, his curls spread on the pillow, and Finn took in a deep breath. 

He knew why he woke up. He had heard something, just like on the base. He slowly sat up and looked into the room. Blue moonlight was streaming in from the bathroom window, casting the room in an ethereal light. He knew he wouldn’t find anything, he never did, but it had become a habit, as if he knew that if he could just look hard enough, he could see it. He studied the room, the clothes tossed around, the bags, binoculars, blasters. 

A boot stood upright in the middle of the room where Poe had tossed it. He tilted his head to the side as he looked at it. It seemed to vibrate.

But that wasn’t exactly it, was it? The boot wasn’t moving, but it felt … different. Finn took in a deep breath and slowly let it out as he relaxed his shoulders and looked at the boot. Then he blinked, and actually _looked_ at the boot. He let his vision become more focused and yet unfocused at the same time, a weird trick he could do without thinking his whole life. He realized now that he saw better when he did it. He saw how things fit together. In the past he had never stayed in that focused/unfocused state for long, though, because it was definitely a distraction when he was trying his hardest to be a stormtrooper.

But now he let it happen. He looked at the boot, looked at the details with his focus and the air around it with his unfocus and he recognized an energy that Finn had seen before but had never really thought about. It was like the boot vibrated a little, as if something had happened to it or had moved it and it still held some kinetic energy. Finn had always had this sense of things, of how they related to each other, but until this night, he’d never associated the feeling with the force.

He slowly turned his head and glanced at Poe, but his companion was sound asleep. Finn concentrated on the boot again, but this time focusing on the energy of it, feeling how it vibrated, examining the details of the leather and how each stitch pulled at the different parts to make sure it held together.

He reached out his hand and whispered.

“Come to me.”

The boot flew across the room and into Finn’s hand. Finn gasped and almost dropped it. He took in two gulping breaths -- and then stood up to get dressed.

\--~--~--

Most of Poe’s dreams over the years involved flying. Whatever drama was happening in the dream -- he’s looking for his parents, but they’re never there; he’s having an argument with some unseen authority whom he can’t quite hear over the intercom; he’s watching his friends explode like fireworks in the sky -- no matter what was happening, he was almost always in or around his X-wing. This night was no different.

He was flying by himself in the upper atmosphere of a gas giant and he was very far from the rest of the resistance. The feeling of isolation was eating away at him in a way that only ever happened in dreams, the feeling like he was losing control, like he couldn’t help his friends because they were too far away, like he was vulnerable. Suddenly the controls of his ship weren’t responding, and he could hear BB-8’s beeps that the droid couldn’t fix it, that they were adrift. His X-wing began the slow slide into the planet’s gravity well as he listened to the panic of the fleet, and he watched with horror as a missile split open the command ship. It cracked open like an egg, spilling his friends’ lives into the emptiness of space....

He woke with a start. He was covered in sweat, and he groaned as he rolled over onto his back. He stretched his hand over the cold sheets next to him and opened his eyes. He was in the cabin on Lissian IV -- and Finn wasn’t in bed. He propped himself up on an elbow and groaned again -- he was going to be sore today -- and looked around the room. Finn wasn’t in the cabin, and his clothes and boots were missing.

“Fuck,” he said and rubbed his face. He swallowed down the panic and lay back against the pillow. It was probably fine. Maybe Finn just needed to… what? Go back to his own cabin? Maybe he couldn’t sleep with someone else in the bed? Maybe he went for a walk? Midnight snack? It wasn’t because they had had sex and Finn regretted it. Right. It was fine.

Poe was on his feet before he could even think about it, grabbing a blanket to wrap around himself as he slipped his feet into his boots. He opened the door and almost tripped over Finn, who was sitting on the bottom step. Poe took in a deep breath of relief and calmed himself, shaking his head at his own insecurities. He closed the door behind him.

“What are you doing out here, babe?” He sat down next to Finn and pulled the blanket around them both. Finn was looking up at the sky, his eyes glinting in the purplish blue glow.

“You’ve never called me that before,” Finn said quietly and rested his head on his arm, turning to look at Poe. 

Poe blinked. He hadn’t even been aware of saying it. “Is … that ok?”

Finn nodded and looked back out into the night. His face was serious, and Poe got that little pang again like maybe Finn was having regrets. “You all right?”

Finn was quiet as he watched the sky. He swallowed and took in a breath like he was finding courage. 

“I can feel the lightning.” 

Poe stopped breathing for a second. He looked out into the night sky, and even though it had stopped raining, small electrical currents were spidering across the sky, creating a deep, distant rumbling of thunder. The hairs on the back of Poe’s neck stood up.

“Is this something new?” he said, keeping his voice neutral.

Finn shrugged. “Not really. I just didn’t quite know what it was before.”

Poe didn’t know what to say to that. He couldn’t understand, he knew that, but he could support Finn. He put his arm around Finn’s waist and pulled himself and the blanket closer. Finn’s face relaxed a little, but he still looked scared or worried. Poe didn’t like it.

“Tell me what it feels like.”

Finn opened his mouth and let out a breath, shaking his head. “I don’t know if I can. I guess I’ve been feeling this my whole life, even in my sleep. But it’s just now that I’ve realized how much of what I see in the world might be the force. It’s like… everything has an energy around it, and some things have more than others. People have a lot of it, and when something is moving, or did move, or is going to move -- I can feel it. It’s not something I can see, exactly, it’s something that I can feel.” He closed his eyes and tilted his face towards the clouds, his face relaxed. “Even with my eyes closed I can feel it. I realize now that I’ve been trying to ignore it my whole life,” he whispered. “Sometimes it’s all just… too much.”

Poe pulled Finn close and kissed him on his temple. “You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met, Finn, and this all makes so much more sense to me now. Of course you are force sensitive. It’s part of who you are. You’re a leader and an inspiration. Don’t be afraid.”

Poe kissed the side of his face again and Finn pushed into it. “I could feel you, too,” he said and opened his eyes and looked at Poe. “The night we met, at the village. I knew you were there at the edge of the clearing. You shot a friend of mine.”

“Oh shit, Finn, I’m sorry --”

“No, it’s ok,” Finn said, shaking his head. “They were trying to kill you. And they wanted me to kill all those innocent people and I wouldn’t do it. And part of it was that I couldn’t take my eyes off you. I watched as Kylo Ren took you on board his ship and I knew what he would do. I could see it in his ... I don’t know how to describe it, other than the way that the force folded around him, maybe? But he intended to ….” He held his breath and worked his jaw, his lips tight in anger. “I knew what he wanted to do to you. He knew you. He might have pretended he didn’t, but he remembered you. And he was so angry.”

“Hey, shhh,” Poe said and pulled Finn’s face to look at him. “I’m ok.”

Finn pursed his lips, his brows coming together like he didn’t believe it, and Poe shrugged. He knew he wasn’t ok, but he was trying. “I’ll be ok, anyway. You don’t need to worry about me.”

“I worry about you all the time, Poe.” Finn searched Poe’s face, his expression openly concerned. “You’ve been in such a bad place, everyone could see it, and I don’t feel like I’ve been able to help you. I don’t know what to do --”

“Just being here with me is enough.”

Finn sighed and looked away. He seemed so unsure of how much he meant to Poe. He clearly had no idea. Poe still was struggling, and that wasn’t going to go away any time soon, but these past few days had been so revelatory that for the first time in a long time he felt hope. There was still a lot to rebuild, but with the information provided by Mon Mothma, they might actually have a chance now. 

And with Finn by his side, he could do anything.

“When the time comes, I want you to be general with me.”

Finn’s mouth dropped open and he looked back at Poe to see if he was serious.

“What?”

“Co-generals, you and me.” Poe squeezed Finn’s shoulder, a small smile on his face. “What do you think?”

But Finn just shook his head, his mouth open like he didn’t know what to say. “Why? You’re not just --” Finn didn’t look like he wanted to finish that sentence. “I don’t think I’m qualified.”

Finn still didn’t seem to see what everyone else did. “Finn, you’re good with people. You’re better at it than I am. I mean, I can handle pilots but they’re just a bunch of drunken masochists with a death wish.” Finn looked at him with a frown, and Poe pushed forward. Best not to dwell on that statement too much. “But you’re good with everyone. You’re optimistic and encouraging, and you always know the right thing to do, and … “ He shrugged. “I don’t want to do this without you.”

“It’s not because now we’re, you know… sleeping together?”

“No, Finn.” Poe couldn't believe Finn would say this. “No, this is because of who you are, how people look up to you. These people would follow you anywhere. I know it. I’ve seen it.”

“I can’t,” Finn said, looking at his hands. “Thanks, but --” he shook his head.

“Why not?”

“Because, Poe, I’m just …” He looked up at Poe’s face but winced at what he saw. He shook his head again.

“What? You're just what, Finn?”

Finn was starting to breath hard. He looked like he didn't want to talk about it, but this was important. Poe wasn’t going to let it go.

“I’m not _really_ Finn Dameron, you know. I’m just a stormtrooper.”

Poe’s face froze and then slowly fell. He went from shock to horror to a deep sadness as the words sank in, and he reached for Finn’s hand, his head shaking.

“You were never just a stormtrooper, Finn,” he said, squeezing his hand and burrowing his eyes into him. “The moment you realized what it meant to be a stormtrooper, you refused. You found a way to get out of there and you never thought about going back. That was never what you were, not to me, not to the resistance.”

Poe turned him so they were facing each other. “Finn, you’re the bravest person I know.”

Finn shook his head. “You get out there and risk your life every time you get in your X-wing. I’m not brave --”

“No. What I do isn’t bravery,” Poe said, his voice adamant. “I’m an adrenaline junky who is just out there getting a fix, and it’s not the same. Being brave means facing your fears and doing what you have to, even if you’re terrified. When it comes to something that actually scares me, like being in love with you, for example, then I just lose my shit. But you always have it together, Finn. You always move forward. Everyone sees it, and it’s what makes you a hero.”

Finn let out a breath. “You don’t get it,” Finn said and stood up, dropping the blanket and pacing in the dark in front of the stairs. He didn’t look at Poe as he spoke. “You grew up in this stuff, Poe. You were born into it. The resistance is your culture. Your heritage. But I don’t belong here. I’m barely even a real person. I’m just a tool of the First Order that has been programmed and conditioned to think a certain way, to feel and act a certain way, and I keep waiting for you all to figure it out. I follow you around but I never know what I’m doing, I barely have a name, barely even know what I like or don’t like. I’m tired of lying to everyone all the time, pretending that I’m a real person like you and Rose and Rey.” 

Poe listened with his mouth open in disbelief. He had no idea that Finn thought this way, that he was so untethered. Finn groaned and rubbed his hands on his face and the top of his head. 

“I have let you down.” Poe stood up and took Finn by the shoulders. Finn’s head dropped and he put his hands on his hips. “I’m sorry, Finn. I have not been a good friend to you.”

“What are you talking about?” Finn said with a sigh. “You’ve never been anything but good to me --”

But Poe was shaking his head. “No, clearly I have not been telling you enough how much you mean to me.” Finn watched him reluctantly. Poe reached over and grabbed his hand, pulling them closer together. “Yesterday you asked me to listen to you when you told me you loved me. And I did. I believe you. I believe that you believe in me, even when I don’t deserve it --” his words caught, but he just cleared his throat and carried on “-- and even when I don’t believe in myself. You, Finn, have been a great friend to me.

“And yet,” his tone turned sour, “you seem to be under the very deep impression that you are not worth anything because you used to be a slave to the First Order.” Poe wrapped both his hands around Finn’s and squeezed them together. “I am so sorry, Finn. I am sorry that this happened to you, that they tried to break you every day of your life. I’m really sorry that I didn’t see it before. And I’m sorry that I can’t fix it, that no matter what I tell you, you’re going to keep thinking this. I can see it in your face.

“But if you let me, maybe I can show you. I can prove to you your worth. But I need you to trust me. I need you to give me time. Will you give me time?”

He could tell that Finn was listening, but it was going to take some heavy work to undermine years and years of mental and emotional conditioning. It was work he was more than willing to do.

“I'll tell you what. I’ll make a deal with you," Poe said and squeezed their hands again. "I’ll get over whatever bullshit is keeping me up at night and making it so I feel like I’m constantly failing, and you do too. All right? We'll do it together. I’ll be Poe Dameron, best fighter pilot in the resistance, and you’ll be…” He raised his eyebrows and pushed down the flood of emotions that came with this entire conversation. “.... You’ll be Finn Dameron, co-general and First Order expert. Deal?”

Finn’s mouth quirked to the side -- the first half-smile so far this night. 

“So you’re not going to let that one slide?” he said, not looking at Poe.

“What? Finn Dameron?” Poe just slowly nodded. “I was thinking about letting it sit for a while. See how it feels in my mouth.”

He reached out and pulled Finn into his arms. Finn’s whole body seemed to relax at the contact. He reached his arms around Poe and they stood there in the starlight, listening to the darkness. Poe turned his head and whispered into Finn’s ear. “Finn Dameron,” he said quietly and firmly, and Finn shivered. 

“Keep it. It suits you.” Poe said and smiled as he pulled back. “Now can we please go back to bed?”


	14. Poe and Finn leave the valley

“Mmm, what time is it?”

The room was bright with the morning sun. Finn cracked an eye and found Poe lying on his side with his head propped on his hand, his eyes bright as he studied Finn quietly.

“I have no idea,” Poe said with a small smile.

Finn frowned. “How long have you been awake?” He closed his eyes again and rubbed his face. He was lying on his back, and his shoulder cracked as he stretched his arms. He grumbled and turned towards Poe, settling back into the pillow with his eyes closed.

Finn felt Poe’s thumb brush along his cheek. His eyebrow. His hairline.

“A while.”

Finn opened his eyes again and blinked several times until Poe came into focus. Poe’s face was relaxed and he seemed deep in thought as he watched his fingers trace the lines on Finn’s face.

“What are you thinking?”

Poe smiled. “Do you always ask so many questions first thing in the morning?”

“I guess you’ll just have to find out.”

Poe nestled his head onto his folded arm so he was face to face with Finn. His expression softened as he twisted Finn’s hair between his fingers. “I guess I will.”

Finn reached out and ran his palm along Poe’s cheek, his fingers spreading as he sank them into Poe’s hair. Poe closed his eyes and turned his head to kiss Finn’s palm, his wrist. Poe ran his hand along Finn’s arm as he turned his head back and kept his eyes closed. Finn felt the thickness of Poe’s curls, how soft and silky his hair was.

“We’re really doing this then?”

Poe opened his eyes, his face still calm but more determined and intense. “I told you. I’m all in. Not that I’ve got a choice in that....”

“You always have a choice.”

“Not when it comes to you, Finn.” He smiled again and reached for Finn’s hand, entwining their fingers together in his hair. “From the moment you took off that helmet and I saw your face for the first time, I never wanted to let you out of my sight. I still don’t. That’s not gonna change.”

Poe kissed him again, soft and firm. “Have I told you today that you’re amazing?”

“Not today, no,” Finn said between Poe’s kisses.

“Well you are.” Kiss.

“Amazing.” Kiss.

“And I never want —” Kiss. “— to leave this place.” Kiss. “We will just have to stay —” Kiss. “— in this bed —” Kiss. “— forever and ever.” Kiss. “Fuck the resistance,” Poe said earnestly as he pulled back, his eyes suddenly little wild.

Finn chuckled. Damn, it felt so good to laugh. “I think maybe we would get hungry.”

“Lissa would bring us food,” Poe said and laid back down on his back, his arm covering his eyes. “She’s a good girl.”

“This is true,” Finn said, rubbing his hand on Poe’s chest. “But I don’t think you would really be happy here. General.”

Poe took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Don’t call me that.”

“Yes, sir.”

Poe sprang up and threw himself onto Finn. “Oh yeah? You think you’re a funny guy, huh? You’re going to pay for that.” He grabbed Finn around the neck and within five seconds they were on the floor, wrestling and tangled in covers.

It was Lissa’s gentle knock an hour later that startled them out of their reverie and had them scrambling for their clothes. All Lissa heard was a gruff “Be right there!” and an uncalled-for amount of unmanly giggling.

~~--~~--~~

The day was already hot and humid by the time they made it to breakfast. They ate another huge meal (“oh my stars, the gravy,” was all Finn could say for several minutes) and then they all helped Simi load up the tauntauns with saddles and supplies. Most of it was food — fresh produce, meats, cheeses, beer — but they also packed a few coveted ship parts and power cells into large nets. It was clear that while Finn and Poe were rolling around on the floor that morning, Rose had been working with Affred and Chewie to put together a few generators and state-of-the-art long-distance communications equipment. Rose (and Chewie) insisted that she carry the most sensitive items on her tauntaun to “keep it out of the hands of the children.”

When they had almost completed their packing, Mon Mothma pulled Poe aside and gave him a small drive to give to Leia and a large bottle of something brown for himself. “I thought you would appreciate this,” she said with a smile. He looked at the bottle.

“Ergesh rum?" He let out an appreciative whistle. "You really are a treasure.” She let out a chuckle as he gave her a big, loud kiss on the cheek, but as she pulled back, her face became serious. She held his arm and stood eye-to-eye with him, forcing him to look at her.

“Poe, you need to know that you are not alone in this fight.” Her eyes were cool and serious, and he was starting to get used to her direct manner. She always cut straight to the point. She laid her thin hand on his and squeezed. “These things always take longer than you’d like, but people will come when you call. It might take them a while, but they’ll come. And when they do, they are going to need someone to point the way. That’s all you need to do.”

She squeezed his hand one last time and let go, as if that was that.

He tilted his head at her as if she were telling him a joke. “Oh really? That’s all? Just point the way. That’s all there is to leading an entire resistance against the most powerful armed force in the galaxy?”

Mon Mothma cupped his cheek like he was a child. “That’s a good boy,” she said and gave him one last pat. “Now off you go.”

He shook his head, gave her another kiss on her hands, and thanked her for everything her family had done for them and for the resistance. As he continued attaching bags onto his large silver tauntaun, he caught Finn watching him closely. Poe winked at him as he finished tightening the straps.

It was going to be fine. Everything was going to be fine.

~~--~~--~~

They said their final goodbyes to Mon and Affred, and Poe, Rose and Finn mounted their tauntauns. Chewbacca strapped BB-8 on to his back and they all waved goodbye as Simi and Lissa led them and their line of pack animals back to the Millennium Falcon. As they passed over the hill where they first saw the valley, Poe stopped for a moment and looked back. Mon and Affred were still standing arm in arm in the courtyard, the farm spreading out all around them, the grasses bright blue and glistening from yesterday's rain, and a lump formed in his throat. He may never see this special place again. He gave one final wave, which was answered by Mon Mothma, and he turned to follow his friends down the trail.

Sweat began pouring down Poe’s back in the day's muggy heat. As soon as they were over the ridge and out of sight of the farm, the magic spell cast by the valley faded, and the underlying anxiety that coated him like a black dye began to seep back to the surface. He wasn’t ready to return to the base, to return to reality.

Finn bumped his leg and it made Poe jump. “You ok?” Finn rode his brown-and-white paint like he had been there for years, relaxed and natural. The quickness with which Finn adapted to any situation never failed to amaze him.

Finn was looking at Poe with that careful expression that he'd had since they began packing up.

Poe nodded and flashed him a smile. “What, me worry?”

Finn just shook his head and rolled his eyes. “Naw, you never worry.”

“See? You know me so well.”

But then Finn smiled, his eyes reassuring and affectionate, and Poe felt his chest relax a little as the fog lifted somewhat from his mind. He reached over and gave Finn’s knee a slap, and they rode side by side until they reached the narrower path through the edge of the forest.

The group spent the rest of the ride discussing where they would take the Falcon first after they returned back to base. They had a new list of potential contacts all over the galaxy, and they couldn’t visit all of them at once. Rose was arguing that it would be best to go to the rich inner planets and raise as much cash for the resistance as possible. But Finn countered that they should recruit as many ships and fighters as they could from the outer rim, where the First Order wasn’t paying as close attention.

They were starting to come to some agreed upon recommendations for General Leia when Simi whispered urgently, “What it is?”

Lissa had stopped her tauntaun at the front of the line and was standing in her stirrups, her head tilted like she was listening. When Poe pulled back the reins, his silver started sidestepping nervously.

“Something’s wrong.”

It was all she had to say for Finn to jump off his mount, only half a second before Rose and Poe. Everyone dismounted and tied their tauntauns to a branch. They crouched and crept through the bushes on the side of the trail until they had reached the top of the small hill that led down to the Falcon. They could see the ship where they’d left it in a small hollow between several huge trees, and they pulled out their binoculars.

For a solid minute they didn’t see anything. But just when Poe was beginning to wonder if they weren’t all just being a little jumpy, two stormtroopers rounded the front of the Falcon. They were discussing some specialized equipment on the side of the ship and pointing to a tablet in their hands, as if trying to identify the ship.

“Oh this is not good,” Poe said.

“Scout troopers,” Finn said tensely from next to him. “They’re assholes. Hotshot snipers. We’ve got to take them out.”

He put down his binoculars and looked at Simi on the other side of Poe. “If they get away, they’ll notify command and your family will be in danger.”

With a nod from Simi, Chewie pulled out his crossbow, and Finn and Poe lined up their blasters. On a count of three, they all fired at once, dropping the two scout troopers to the ground. But just as the blaster sounds faded, a third stormtrooper riding a large green-and-purple lizard bolted out from behind the Falcon and into the forest away from them. Chewie took several more shots but he was too late as the trooper disappeared behind a large tree.

“We have to get him!” Finn yelled, and Poe was up and on his silver tauntaun in three seconds. As he kicked his mount into a full run, he heard shouts behind him. He rounded the large tree and saw the scout up ahead. The trooper’s lizard was steady on its feet and fast in the undergrowth, but Poe thought his tauntaun was faster.

“Yah!” he yelled as he stood up in the stirrups and leaned forward. The silver got the idea and stretched his gait, sprinting into a full run towards the scout. The trooper looked behind him and saw he was being pursued, pulled out his blaster and shot twice. Both shots were high, but close enough to make Poe flinch. He held the reins in his left hand and pulled out his blaster, shooting once wide. His second shot landed squarely in his back, however, and the trooper went flying off his mount while the squealing lizard ran off into the woods.

Poe pulled his tauntaun to a stop just as he saw the trooper rise up behind a fern and shoot. This time, the trooper's shot was true, and the silver let out a gurgling scream as it dropped to the ground, pinning Poe’s leg beneath him.

“Oh shit oh shit.” Poe panicked and reached for his gun, but it had been knocked out of his hand in the hard fall, and now his beast was moaning as it lay unmoving on top of his leg. Poe desperately looked in the underbrush for his gun until the scout appeared over him with a blaster aimed right at his head.

“Die, rebel scum,” the trooper said and pulled the trigger.

Poe had been so sure he was going to die in a cockpit. That thought had haunted his dreams for so long that he just took it as a given. But in that split second, he realized that instead he was going to die on this strange blue planet, pinned under a large stinking beast, shot in the head by a fucking stormtrooper. It almost made him want to laugh.

But just as the trooper’s blaster went off, the scout was ripped off his feet as if pulled by a rip cord. He flew high in the air and crashed into a tree, then fell 40 feet, hitting several branches on the way down before he disappeared into the undergrowth with a thud.

“Poe! Dammit, no!” Finn charged up on his tauntaun with Simi close behind, and Finn flung himself to the ground. “Are you alright? Are you shot?”

“What was that?” Poe tried to make sense of what just happened. He was about to be shot in the head, but then the guy went flying through the air…? He wondered if he was going into shock.

He turned to Finn and pointed towards the trooper. “Did you do that?”

“Poe! Are you shot!?”

“No, I think he missed --”

“Finn!” Simi was yelling and pointing, and Finn disappeared again as he ran towards the trooper. Simi rushed over to Poe and told him to lie still. It didn’t take her long to see what had dropped the tauntaun. A large blaster burn had mangled its neck and the beast was bleeding profusely and gurgling into the fern they had landed on. It’s eyes rolled in its head as it began to convulse, making Poe cry out as something sharp dug into his leg.

“Shh, hush now, baby, I’m so sorry,” she said to the silver. Tears were in her eyes as she reached out and stroked the tuft of dark grey hair between its horns, then brought out her pistol and shot the beast in the head. She covered her mouth as she sobbed once, but then she shook herself out of it and knelt down next to Poe.

“Can you move?” she said tightly as she wiped her cheeks, smearing dirt and blood on the side of her face.

“I’m trapped.” Poe said just as two more blaster shots rang out in the woods. A few seconds later Finn appeared again, running towards them.

“Scout’s dead.”

Simi nodded. “Help me. We have to get Poe out.”

It took a rope tied to Simi’s black tauntaun to pull the silver off of Poe’s leg. He yelled as it moved, but once he was free, he pulled himself out and straightened the leg. Finn was at his side, feeling his shin bones.

“I don’t think it’s broken,” Poe said.

“Can you walk?”

Finn helped him to standing, and when he put weight on the leg, it was painful, but he’d suffered worse. They limped over to Finn’s brown-and-white mount, and Finn helped him get up into the saddle.

“We need to get back to the Falcon and get out of here,” Finn said urgently to Poe as he ran back to the dead silver and untied Poe’s bags. “If those troopers managed to send out a message, then we’re going to get walkers and TIE fighters here real soon.”

Simi had found Poe’s blaster and gave it to Finn, and she remounted her black in one quick motion. “Can you find your way back?” she asked, and the two of them nodded. She spun her tauntaun around and raced off toward the Falcon. Finn grabbed the halter of the paint and led them back through the woods. Poe looked back and saw the scout lying at the base of an enormous tree, two black blaster holes in his helmet.

Finn was breathing hard and kept looking up at Poe with worry and maybe a little frustration.

“I wish you’d stop doing that,” he said tensely after a minute of stomping through the undergrowth. “You’re always running off without me --”

“Did you do that?” Poe asked and swallowed thickly. His leg was beginning to throb. “Did you throw that guy into a tree?”

Finn fell silent as he picked up the pace and wove his way between the trees. They didn't speak again until they were back at the Falcon, where everyone was rushing to unload the tauntauns and get all the supplies onto the ship.

Rose ran over when she saw them. It looked like she’d been crying.

“Poe! Poe, are you alright?” She helped Finn get Poe off the tauntaun. Once he was on his feet, he pushed them off.

“I’m fine,” he said roughly and grabbed his bag. When he turned away from the tauntaun, Finn avoided his eyes and went to help Chewbacca with a crate. Rose slipped under Poe’s arm on the side of his damaged leg.

“I said I’m fine,” Poe grumbled, but as they walked towards the ship he found himself grateful for her support. They hobbled up the ramp and saw BB-8 twirling around in circles inside the hallway, beeping in anxiety. “It’s ok, I’m ok, buddy. We’re getting out of here.”

When they reached the top of the ramp, Simi was in the hallway dropping off some gear. As she passed him to return outside, he reached for her arm.

“Hey, I’m really sorry about the silver.”

Her lips were tight and her eyes red. “It’s not your fault.”

He nodded, even if he disagreed. They just didn't have time to argue about it. “What are you going to do now? You can come with us.”

She ran her fingers through her hair, a pained but determined look on her face. “We will have to leave the planet. I don’t see any other choice. The First Order knows exactly who we are, and they will take this opportunity to murder my whole family —"

“I’m so sorry, Simi —”

“Poe, listen to me,” she said and grabbed his arm tightly, bringing her head in close. Her hands were strong and her grip almost painful. “You and I were born into this. We know what happens if people don’t stand up to tyranny. People are tortured. People die. Whole planets die. Don’t ever think that any of this is your fault though, because it isn’t.”

She let go of his arm and looked between Poe and Rose. She gave Rose’s hand a gentle squeeze. “But we can't come with you right now. You need to get out of here and you can't wait for us. Now go. May the Force be with you.” She disappeared back out of the ship.

Rose cried quietly as they hobbled to the cockpit. Poe groaned as he sank into the pilot’s chair and began his preflight checks. Rose gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and went to help the others, leaving him to fight down the nausea as he fired up the engines.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dears, I am going to finish this. Really and truly. We have a few more chapters to go, including some more sexy times for the boys, so stay with me. I know it's been absurdly long since I've updated any chapters, and I can give you the usual excuses: It's because I've been working on other writing, it's because I've been trying to work from home like everyone else, it's because I'm trying to support my family during COVID, etc. etc. But the truth is I still love this story and want to complete it. 
> 
> I want you all to know that I appreciate this community so much and the solace that we offer each other. In a real world filled with chaos and heartbreak, AO3 has always provided a relief and an escape. I appreciate you, readers and authors. You are what makes this place special. Thank you for being here. <3


	15. Poe's triumphant return

Finn doesn’t know how it happened, but everything started to move in slow motion. Poe’s tauntaun got shot and then it dropped to the ground with a thud. The scout trooper walked forward until he was standing over Poe, and he slowly raised his gun to Poe’s head.

He was going to shoot. He was going to shoot Poe in the head.

Suddenly Finn's whole body felt like it exploded. It was as if a wave built inside him, gathering through his chest and then blasting out from his finger tips as he reached for Poe. All he was thinking was that he had to stop that trooper, and suddenly the scout’s body was flying through the air.

Away from Poe.

After that, everything sped up like a vid that was running twice as fast. He blinked and he was on the ground. He blinked and he was shooting the scout in the head. He blinked and they were pulling the silver off Poe, Poe’s face crumpled in pain as he yelled out.

Finn didn’t really realize what he had done until Poe asked him for the second or third time what had happened.

“Did you throw that guy into a tree?”

Finn’s throat closed. He started to answer that no, of course he hadn’t thrown that guy into a tree, that’s absurd, until he realized that yes. He had thrown someone into a tree. He must have. There was no other explanation. Somehow he had picked up that trooper with his mind and flung him 50 feet without a second thought, without even really trying. He looked at his hand, his eyes wide, and terror filled his chest.

He could do that?

He walked unseeing back to the ship, and as soon as Poe was off the tauntaun and Rose was taking him inside, he kicked those thoughts out of his head and just focused on getting everything on to the ship. Everyone seemed like they were in tears but he just kept going, grunting with effort and breathing hard as he lifted boxes and nets filled with supplies and dumped them into the cargo holds as fast as he could.

Finally they had finished loading everything and Poe was yelling at them through the intercom that they needed to get on the ship, they were taking off. 

“Finn, wait!” It was Lissa. She had been arguing with her mother about something, but now she ran over to him, her long red hair plastered to her face with sweat and tears. “Take me with you!"

“What?” Finn looked at Simi, and the older woman’s face was grim. Simi looked hard and determined as she watched the two of them, but she nodded her head. 

“I want to join the resistance,” Lissa said, her voice breathless but clear, even though her cheeks were splotched and her eyes red. “My family is leaving anyway, and I want to join you. I want to be a fighter pilot. I want to kill those bastards.” Her voice caught finally at the end, and a tear slipped down her cheek.

“It’s dangerous work, Lissa, and I don’t think —”

“Don’t tell me I’m too young. Don’t tell me I can’t do this. Leia was barely older than me when she was leading the Rebellion against the Empire. I’m coming with you!” Her face was hard as she angrily wiped away a tear, and for a moment Finn could see the strength of her mother and her grandmother in her. She was certainly a Mothma daughter. 

Finn pulled her into a tight hug for a second, and then let her go. “Ok, get your stuff. We’re leaving now.”

Lissa ran over to Finn’s paint and Rose’s bay and began to lead the two tauntauns over to the ship.

“Wait, what are you —”

“She’s taking them with you,” Simi said as she came up to Finn. “You have the room and we can’t take all the animals when we leave. Those two are sturdy and will work great with your scout teams.”

Finn looked at Simi, and the woman suddenly looked ten years older than she did an hour ago. He pulled her into a hug as well, and the woman let out a sob into his shoulder until she pushed him back. Tears were now flowing freely down her cheeks.

“You —” she could hardly get the words out, “— you take good care of my girl.”

“Simi, I…” But what could he say? They both knew the risks that anyone took if they joined the resistance, especially if they became a pilot. The numbers weren’t good, and he could make no promises. So he simply nodded and gave her a squeeze on her shoulder. “We’ll look after her. Me and Poe. You have my word.”

Simi nodded and wiped her face again, then went over to her only daughter and embraced her. She kissed her head and stroked her hair as Lissa cried into her neck and squeezed her back, but before they could say any proper goodbyes, Rose was standing on the ramp telling them they had to leave.

Finn blinked, and he was in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon, muddy and covered in sweat, with a cargo full of supplies and two tauntauns and a new young red-headed pilot for the resistance — and the hazy bliss of the morning seemed like someone else’s dream.

~~--~~--~~

Poe wasn’t sure exactly what he was seeing.

“Are we in orbit?” he asked Chewbacca, who glanced over at him while he was flipping some switches.

“What? No,” Chewie barked. “Are you ok?”

Poe was seeing stars. He knew from experience that this wasn’t a good sign, seeing stars when you weren’t in orbit or out in deep space somewhere, near a battle station or something, but he didn’t want to worry anyone.

“Never mind. Is everyone on board?”

He was sure he had already gone through his preflight check list, but he wasn’t really sure. How could he be sure and not sure at the same time? Maybe he was dreaming. That happened sometimes in dreams.

“Poe!”

It was Finn. Finn was yelling in his ear.

“What? Stop yelling. I’m right here.”

“I said everyone is on board and we’re ready to go.”

“Right.” He must have already done his checklist, because everyone was on board and he’d been sitting in his pilot’s chair for a really long time. “Right.”

He fired up the engines and eased the ship up and out of the tree canopy. It was muscle memory, flying a ship, which the doctors had told him wasn’t really a memory in your muscles, because that was impossible. It had more to do with the mylar or myaline or mica…din? something building up in the brain after doing a thing over and over. It built up little pathways in the brain, like paths in a garden. Or a forest. Anyway, taking off in a spaceship a billion times did something like that to your brain.

He guided them smoothly over the forest and aimed them up into the perfect angle to get the Falcon into orbit. It was an exponential function. What was that equation again? Was it f(x) = 2 to the x?

Someone was talking loudly again. It was probably Finn. No, wait, there was definitely some Wookie in there.

“Got it,” he said, because that seemed to be the right thing to say as people started yelling and Finn disappeared from the cockpit toward the middle of the ship. Poe leaned forward and looked out the window. Ok, so why were there TIE fighters flying past them? He performed his defensive maneuvers because that’s what you do when there are TIE fighters around you, and you want to take them out before they get back to their base, of course, because you never want to let TIE fighters go, that was a general rule, so he flipped back around to face them in this flippy maneuver that he always thought was cool.

“The Dameron Flip,” he said and chuckled. Ouch, that hurt. The Wookie said, “What?” and Poe laughed again.

The Wookie said “what.” That’s funny. He should put that on a tshirt.

He could hear and feel the vibrations of the Falcon’s cannons going off — pew! pew! pew! — and every once in a while Finn whooped and hollered, and Poe whooped and hollered back because he liked it when Finn sounded like he was winning. And winning when TIE fighters were concerned meant shooting them out of the sky in big fiery explosions, and he was all for that. Before too long (although, let’s be honest, it could have been hours, time was a little woosier than usual), Finn was slapping him on the back and a course was plotted back to Ajan Kloss and then hyperspace! Boom! The swirly blue and white was pretty amazing. What made the light swirl like that? Weren’t they going faster than the speed of light? How could they see anything out the windows if they were flying faster than light?

“Poe?” It was Finn again. He was suddenly in Poe’s face, blocking the view. “Poe?”

“My leg is wet.” He wasn’t entirely aware that he was noticing that until he said it out loud, and he reached down to his leg. When he brought it back up again, it was covered in something black.

“Fuck, Poe! Gods dammit. Chewie!”

They were manhandling him. He absolutely hated being manhandled. It meant that people were bossing him around and no one deserved to be his boss except for Leia, of course, because she was the boss, and Finn might think he’s the boss of me, but you’re not.

“Poe, you’re bleeding, stop — put your hands down — stop arguing with me and let me look at your leg!”

The next part was even more blurry. He was in what kinda sorta functioned as the sick bay on the Falcon, but it was actually the machine table. It just had good lighting. That’s why they put people there when they’d been shot. Hey, wait a minute.

“I wasn’t shot. I’m fine.”

Everyone seemed upset, and busy, and like they needed to do something urgently. No matter what he said, they kept looking urgent. He looked around at their faces and for a second he couldn’t remember where he was.

“Wait, when did you get here?” he asked as he looked at Lissa. His voice sounded choppy in his ears, like maybe his teeth were chattering. She was pretty. He sure liked that girl. “You’re not supposed to be here.”

He passed out soon thereafter.

~~--~~--~~

There’s a weird state when you’re coming out of sedation and you can’t really see the boundary between consciousness and unconsciousness. It’s like you’re staring at something on the wall for a really long time and then you realize your eyes are open.

Finn was resting on the bunk opposite. They were still on the Falcon, and his leg felt stiff. Poe looked down and saw that he was in his undershorts and had a huge bandage on the side of his right thigh. He couldn’t feel much — until he tried to move.

“Oh, wow,” he said as fire shot up his side. He could swear he could feel the jolt of pain all the way up into his lungs.

Finn was up and at his side before he could even settle back down.

“Easy, now, you just stay right there.”

“What happened?”

“Well, apparently we just had a firefight with half a dozen TIE fighters while you were bleeding out in the cockpit from a huge gash in your leg.”

“Really?” Poe settled back on the bed and closed his eyes. His head was starting to throb.

“Yes, really.” Finn handed him some water and he opened his eyes long enough to take a couple of sips and hand it back. Finn continued. “So not only could you have died, but you could have taken all of us out with you.”

“Really.”

Finn sighed and Poe felt the weight of him settling onto the bed beside him. Finn took Poe’s hand, and for a second Poe smiled thinking it was such a sweet and sentimental thing for Finn to do, until he realized Finn was just checking his pulse.

“I think I’ve figure out why you’re such an idiot.” Finn dropped his hand, and Poe sighed.

“Enlighten us.”

“Because you don’t really care if you live or die.”

The hazy cotton world he was living in at the moment threatened to have its reign deposed by the mean truth in those words. He liked being in this foggy place. He frowned into the darkness.

“That’s not a very nice thing to say.”

Finn’s warm, dry hands were on the side of his cheeks and soft lips kissed his forehead. The lips lifted and then moved to his closed eyes. Then to his cheeks. Finn’s breath was warm and comforting on Poe’s face.

“We will talk about this later,” Finn said, his voice rich and melodic and so close. Poe felt water come to his eyes at the intimacy of that sound. “When you’re thinking clearly again.”

Finn made to move away, but Poe opened his eyes, reached out, and grabbed Finn’s hands. He looked at Finn’s beautiful face, close to his for the first time since that morning, and he pulled Finn down to him again.

“Don’t leave,” he whispered, suddenly terrified of being left alone. He was always alone. He survived because he was alone. He didn’t need anyone. “Don’t leave me.”

Finn’s face crumpled. He squeezed Poe’s hand and leaned down close again.

“I’m never going to leave you, Poe,” he said, his voice sad and earnest. “I’m here for as long as you want me.”

“I always want you.” Poe’s eyes rolled back and suddenly he felt very tired. The blackness of sleep rushed in like a heavy tide, and he slipped into darkness.

~~--~~--~~

Somewhere in Poe’s mind he had envisioned a heroic return back to Ajan Kloss. He had imagined that the whole base would be there when they landed, and they would cheer as he and his crew brought out armloads of beer and cheese, and General Organa would embrace him and look up at him proudly with sparkling eyes. He would bask in the glow of a job well done. That night he would be the toast of the whole base, and maybe afterwards he and Finn would go back to his room and let the real celebrations begin.

Of course, their return was nothing like that. He didn’t even get to fly the ship. Finn and Chewie dropped into orbit and warned the base that they had an injured pilot on board and two tauntauns and, oh, by the way, everything went to shit on their way out of the Lissian System. After they landed, the first people Poe saw were two medics with a stretcher. At first he refused to get on, but when he almost passed out as he tried to sit up, he didn’t have much of a choice.

Poe just looked up at the ceiling of the hanger as he was taken off the ship and carried through the corridors to the sick bay. He was then turned over to the medical droid, who methodically started an IV, removed the bandages, and began cleaning up the wound. It was the first time he got a chance to see it, and now that he actually saw the damage, he realized what the fuss was about. Something very sharp had sliced a deep, six-inch gash down the side of his leg, and the good news was that it looked like a clean wound and there probably was little permanent damage. The bad news was that he had lost a lot of blood and he was going to have to be there for at least a day to recover and get stitched up properly.

He spent an hour in surgery, and as the droid finished up, Rose came in with some clean clothes, looking worried and angry at the same time. She was clean and in fresh clothes, but her eyes were still red.

“Rose, I’m sorry about the tauntaun.” His voice was gruff and it still felt like he had cotton in his ears.

“Don’t worry about the tauntaun, Poe, sheesh. You almost died.”

“I didn’t almost die. It was just a cut —”

“Don’t tell me that,” she said and got into his face. “I saw you. You were grey and your eyes were all sunk in and it took me and Lissa most of the time in hyperspace just to clean the blood out of the cockpit.”

Poe looked away and swallowed. “I’m sorry. Thanks. I… I’m not sure what happened.”

She just shook her head. “You were in a firefight and you had almost two thousand pounds of tauntaun fall on your leg. I’m surprised it wasn’t worse.”

He sighed and she squeezed his hand. She told him that the general was coming to talk with him soon.

“Where’s Finn?” He had a strange, nervous pang in his chest as he asked the question. Rose looked at him briefly and then looked away again.

“I’m sure he’ll be by soon.” She was such a bad liar. He didn’t want to ask why Finn wasn’t there, though, so they didn’t talk much after that. Eventually he closed his eyes and pretended to fall asleep, just to give her an excuse to leave. As soon as the door closed behind her, he stared at the monitors and ran over it all again in his head.

The trooper flew through the air. He flew. Through the air. Because of Finn.

He was going to have to come to terms with this. He’d never been one to put a lot of faith into the mystical arts. He liked the world to be hard and concrete, like a gun in his hand or the joystick in a cockpit. He was a simple man, and he wanted things to be straight forward. The force was anything but straightforward. It was unpredictable and powerful — and, to be honest, Poe always found it a little creepy. The old Jedi could do all kinds of stuff with people’s heads, perform tricks and illusions, and it made him uneasy.

But if he and Finn were going to be together, he was going to have to get past this. He needed to accept Finn for who he was, force powers and everything. He took in a deep breath and a heavy sigh escaped his lungs.

“I hear you’ll survive.”

General Leia Organa was standing in the doorway, her hair in three smooth loops and her makeup perfect, as usual. The expression on her face was unreadable.

“Yes. Lucky you.”

Leia tilted her head slightly and a small grudging smile pressed her lips together. She walked over and sat in the chair next to his bed. They didn’t say anything for several moments as they watched each other, until she reached over and grabbed his hand.

“I’ve had a chance to talk with Chewbacca and Finn. It sounds like you completed your mission.”

“If you can call it that. I wouldn’t exactly say that this was a successful ‘flying under the radar, in-and-out operation.’” He didn’t know why he was so disappointed in himself. This was really par for the course. He always fucked it up.

Leia just nodded as she watched his face carefully. “We just heard from Mon Mothma a few minutes ago. She and Simi and Affred were able to get off the planet without too much trouble. They’re now safe in Dythus City.”

Poe’s head dropped back into the pillow and he let out a sigh of relief. At least they got away. His eyes started to sting and he put his free hand up to rub them. He wanted to tell her he was sorry, but how many times is he going to apologize to her?

“Finn gave me the drive that was in your bag and I’ve had a chance to look over what you brought back. This information is crucial. It means we can rebuild again.”

He swallowed hard, and Leia squeezed his hand. “Poe.”

He rubbed his eyes again and then looked at her. She was leaning forward, her eyes filled with sadness but also hope. “You did well.”

The tears began to spill over. He hated how much he needed her approval, her reassurance, but the truth was, if she asked him to leave, he would leave. But if she asked him to stay, if she told him he was doing a good job and she needed him, he would fly into the sun for her. He would fight any battle, go on any mission. He would die for her. How could he ever function without her? How could he ever think he could replace her?

She patted his hand and gave it one last squeeze before she stood. “You rest up and recover. I need my best pilot to start running missions again. We have a lot to do, Commander Dameron.” She bent down and kissed him on the forehead. “I’m glad you’re back safe,” she murmured close to his ear.

He didn’t even bother to try to stop the tears that flowed as he watched her turn and leave him alone again. Somehow he was going to have to figure out how to move forward, but he didn’t know how he was ever going to do it without her.


End file.
